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Today, my wife entered in an ugliest sweater competition at her work. She wore a plain white sweater with a picture of my face printed on it. She came home with first prize. FML

by mclovin09 / 12/18/2009 at 2:52pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered my neighbors have bought a karaoke machine. FML

by the_music_major / 10/18/2010 at 9:09pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found a surveillance camera in my room. FML

by Anonymous / 10/17/2010 at 8:27pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, while riding a roller coaster I got hit in the chest by a wasp going 80 miles per hour. As if that didn't hurt enough it somehow managed to survive and fell down my shirt. It crawled around and bit me a few times before the ride ended. FML

by jreed509 / 07/03/2011 at 1:25am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Animals

Today, I informed my parents that my husband and I are separating after much deliberation. We came to this conclusion relatively peacefully. According to my parents, I'm now Satan, and will end up on the streets as a crack whore if we don't change our minds and stay together. FML

by Anonymous / 08/11/2011 at 2:04am / Canada / Love

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate with each other for the first time. He shoved his hand down my pants, touched about an inch away from my clitoris, and whispered "cummm" in my ear. I doubt I'll have an orgasm ever again. FML

by Anonymous / 11/03/2012 at 2:02pm / Australia (Western Australia) / Intimacy

Today, I asked my girlfriend what she loves the most about me. She said it's the fact that I look like her cousin. FML

by Anonymous / 12/08/2013 at 11:49am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my landlord's control issue got out of control when I got a call telling me I have "too much stuff" and have to move out of the apartment. I sold all my furniture when I moved in and all I currently own is a scratch post, a chair and a pair of curtains. FML

by that makes me a sad panda / 05/19/2014 at 5:44pm / Sweden (Vasterbottens Lan) / Money

Today, I was at a concert. During the concert, my shoelaces went undone, so I bent down to tie them. Not two seconds later, the girl behind me jumped on my shoulders and refused to get down. She said "tall guys" are the best to ride on during concerts. My name is Maria. FML

by tallwoman / 05/18/2010 at 2:57pm / Denmark (Arhus) / Health

Today, I was babysitting my nephew and we decided to color together. He drew a picture of someone who looked dead, almost zombie-like, while everyone else looked pretty normal. When I asked who it was, he said in a serious, scary voice, "It's you." FML

by BondingTime / 03/17/2014 at 5:51am / United States (Minnesota) / Kids

Today, I was playing Charades. My boyfriend, who I'd recently had a fight with, had trouble and just said his answer was the name of my celebrity twin. Nobody got it. He said "Really? It's Fat Bastard." Stunned silence followed, broken by a single "HAH." from my 'best friend'. FML

by Anonymous / 01/20/2015 at 6:04am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, while working at the hospital, I had a patient with a blocked bowel. It was so bad, feces were entering into her stomach. While leaning down to talk with her, she threw up. I was both vomited and defecated on at the same time. FML

by Mew / 06/04/2009 at 8:07am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I switched from a pediatrician to an adult doctor. The guy was really persistant about a few personal questions. Then he brought my parents in the room and told them that I have an abnormally small penis and what remedies he knows of to fix it. FML

by dude5028 / 09/08/2009 at 5:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous