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Saturday 3 November 2012

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Today, after I gave birth to our first child, my husband looked at the doctor and seriously asked, "When do you circumcise the baby?" We had a baby girl. FML

by Anonymous / 10/29/2012 at 6:32am / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, before leaving my house, I OCD-checked all of my doors 16 times to make sure that they were locked. When I got home, my house had been broken into. Turns out I accidentally unlocked my front door when trying to lock it for the last time. This is why I have OCD. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2012 at 11:02pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I told my dad and brother that I want to take Zumba classes. My brother said, "Did you hear that? Pumbaa wants to Zumba!" Then he starting dancing and making pig noises. My dad high-fived him. When my mom heard, she high-fived him too. FML

by hakuna matata / 10/31/2012 at 6:06am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, after being a germaphobe for almost ten years and refusing to go out to restaurants because of it, I finally had the courage to face my fear, and went to dinner with my family. After three bites into my salad, I found a dead bug in it. FML

by Anonymous / 11/06/2012 at 1:34pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband and I found out that our dog was pregnant. He now refuses to have kids with me for at least two years, because he wants to raise the puppies without any "distractions". FML

by Lilly / 10/30/2012 at 2:45pm / United States / Animals

Today, I was reading a book in public. Some bastard stranger came over and started spoiling the plot for me. FML

by Spoilicious / 11/05/2012 at 10:58am / Singapore / Miscellaneous

Today, I met someone really cool and their departing words were, for some odd reason, "We should totally be friends, I mean unless you're schizophrenic or something, haha!" I have schizophrenia. FML

by Anonymous / 10/30/2012 at 7:42pm / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, my dad agreed to let me borrow the car to go rock climbing with my friends. He'd just filled it up with gas, which is how I realized halfway back home that one of my "friends" had siphoned well over half the gas straight out of the tank. FML

by me / 11/10/2012 at 2:49pm / United States (Oregon) / Transportation

Today, I was at a barbeque with my family, my boyfriend, and some mutual acquaintances. Someone jokingly called my boyfriend a pussy, to which he loudly replied, "I guess I am what I eat!" My mother was sitting across from us. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2012 at 4:24pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I sampled some of the food my fiancée's mom is making for our wedding. Everything tasted terrible, and I almost vomited. Turns out she never actually went to culinary school as she claimed, but had just watched Julie and Julia. It's too late to book another caterer for the wedding. FML

by WeddingWoes / 11/03/2012 at 3:42pm / United States (Missouri) / Health

Today, at work I was trying to be nice and give a customer a discount because she was having trouble finding money to pay for her food. Everybody behind her then demanded a discount as well. FML

by cassiebee / 11/04/2012 at 9:16am / United States (Utah) / Work

Today, after a year of living with my boyfriend at our new place, he told me that he wants to sell our house and live in a trailer, so he can be closer to his mom. FML

by Anonimo / 11/08/2012 at 4:22pm / Italy (Sardegna) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friend showed me a video of me in a nightclub. I was holding two Skittles vodka shots and shouting, "Red and green, merry Kwanzaa!" The shots were yellow and purple. I can't remember that night at all. FML