Choose the period

All time / Top of the month / Top of the week / Top of the day
April 2013

Choose a category

Agreed
Commented
Favorited

Today, my car was stolen from the parking garage, the same one I work at as a security guard. FML

by naps aren't what they used to be / 04/27/2013 at 6:05pm / United States / Work

Today, my husband rejected sleeping with me because he wants to "save his energy" for building his custom car. Apparently, I'm a "distraction." FML

by Anonymous / 04/23/2013 at 9:38am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and I told him I was close to having an orgasm. He smirked and started talking like Yoda, saying, "Strong with the cum, this one is". Orgasm gone. FML

by iwassoclose / 04/10/2013 at 12:32pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, my school announced its senior motto for the year. For the second year in a row, it's "YOLO". FML

by it's a wonder I'm not illiterate as fuck / 04/12/2013 at 1:21pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was yelled at and called a pedophile by a mom for talking to her 5 year old girl. I work at a library and she looked like she needed help. This is the third time it has happened. FML

by LibraryPedo / 04/25/2013 at 9:37pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I got served paperwork stating that my ex-fiancée is suing me again for child support. About 7 years ago, I proved via DNA testing within the court system that I was not the father the first time. I see a talk show in my future. FML

by haku4u / 04/01/2013 at 7:18pm / United States (Florida) / Money

Today, my girlfriend from high school contacted me, telling me we should hang out some time; I casually agreed. Two hours later she's on my doorstep in tears, wanting me to take her back. She's married with kids. I live four states away and haven't a clue how she found out where I live. FML

by Anonymous / 04/21/2013 at 7:26pm / United States / Love

Today, I sent a girl a friendly conversation starter on Facebook. She replied, "I know what you guys are like. Oh, and that invitation to a date in about 5 messages time? Not a chance." FML

by Porter_Robinson / 04/30/2013 at 4:50am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I was discussing possible career choices with my relatives. Pretty much everyone expressed the belief that I'm screwed for life, with my grandma commenting later: "She ain't even got the tits for porn. God help her." FML

by flea-bitten / 04/06/2013 at 3:41pm / United States / Work

Today, one of my 5-year-old son's teeth fell out, but he's quite scatterbrained and he lost it. He did however find my vibrating duck under my pillow, and is now crying because he thinks that I stole his tooth so that the tooth fairy would bring me a toy. FML

by laptitesouris / 03/31/2013 at 7:35pm / France (Provence-Alpes-Cote d'Azur) / Kids

Today, I told my bald, goatee-sporting chemistry teacher that he looks like Walt from Breaking Bad. I quickly got sent to the principal's office and received a 3-day suspension for "slandering" my teacher by implying that he makes meth. FML

by me / 04/04/2013 at 4:07pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my little brother gave me an open jar of peanut butter for my birthday. I'm deathly allergic, and he knows it. Despite his maniacal grin and snickering, my parents said it was an innocent mistake, and grounded me for yelling at him. FML

by stuckwithafamilyofcunts / 04/27/2013 at 4:23pm / Spain (Comunidad Valenciana) / Health

Today, I went to have a breast exam. The doc told me that she would touch different parts of my breasts, and said to tell her if at any point it felt painful. As she was examining me, I was going to say that it wasn't painful, but instead I blurted out, "It feels good." FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2013 at 12:51pm / United Kingdom (Glasgow City) / Health