Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend hid my car keys and decided that she wouldn't...

By failure - 08/04/2011 05:24

Today, my girlfriend hid my car keys and decided that she wouldn't give them back until I succeeded in giving her an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 727

You deserved it 80 944

May weddings: Love and blunders
Weddings are supposed to be perfect, but our stories show that perfection can sometimes be... surprising! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

By Joey - 04/06/2016 18:52 - United States - Apo

Today, I took my girlfriend to her ex-boyfriend's apartment for her to exchange his spare car keys for some of her grandmother's items. I waited outside in the parking lot for an hour, with no idea which door was his. She came out no longer a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 167

You deserved it 2 637

Why would you stick that there?

By Co-B - 03/09/2009 20:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend reached into my pocket to get my keys so she could get something out of my car. When she yanked them out, the condom that we'd just used flew up into the air and landed on the floor in front of her entire family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 872

You deserved it 61 036

Stuck

By Forgetfull - 02/02/2010 17:07 - United States

Today, I thought it would be romantic to take my girlfriend to the beach. It was raining so we left our shoes and phones in the car so we wouldn't be bothered. Apparently, I left my keys in the car too. The car was locked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 748

You deserved it 26 620

By Anonymous - 14/03/2013 16:59 - Germany - Dortmund

Today, my girlfriend and I were going to get intimate, so I masturbated before leaving my place, hoping it would help me last longer than usual. 10 minutes in, she shoved me off and started screaming at me, convinced that I've been cheating on her and practising with someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 681

You deserved it 10 543

By GrandTheftArson - 09/03/2016 03:51 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, my ex stole my car keys. Good news is she can't drive stick. Bad news is she set my car on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 181

You deserved it 1 584

By cockalicious - 01/03/2011 05:29

Today, my boyfriend let me know he wanted me to leave by repeatedly jabbing me with my car keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 709

You deserved it 5 021

By Anonymous - 01/11/2012 17:09 - Philippines - Makati

Today, after a week of looking for my car keys and being forced to drag my family around on public transportation, my wife found the keys in our car's ignition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 089

You deserved it 32 260

Great night out

By Boyufd - 02/05/2022 04:00

Today, I had an amazing date with my girlfriend. Everything was going great, until I locked my keys in the car. It then started raining. FML

I agree, your life sucks 792

You deserved it 181

By seththing - 22/05/2016 03:49

Today, I locked my keys in my car. I had a spare key in my wallet, that I also left in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 099

You deserved it 3 174

By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 09:11 - United States

Today, I couldn't get to work because I couldn't find my car keys. It turns out, my mother took them and put them "somewhere safe." She can't remember where they are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 118

You deserved it 2 543

Cinn_fml 22

Friday 8 April 2011 12:15

That's one way of doing it. But there is probably a better way of telling you what you need to give her.

Give_Linux_A_Go 28

Friday 8 April 2011 12:14

Just do oral I guess? Or, like the guys above me are saying, take something of hers!

Comments

VeggieTrunks 0

Friday 8 April 2011 19:49

Sounds Hawthorne lol

VeggieTrunks 0

Friday 8 April 2011 19:51

Hawthorne* lol damn phone

VeggieTrunks 0

Friday 8 April 2011 19:53

hawt* lol this phone killing me

misfitmarta13 0

Friday 8 April 2011 20:06

good for her

tenzito 0

Friday 8 April 2011 20:09

doesn't sound like a problem to me... quit being a pussy and get in there!!!

emily370043 0

Friday 8 April 2011 20:25

well u deserve that

facilitator 0

Friday 8 April 2011 20:40

not FML, FTW

ninjacapo 2

Friday 8 April 2011 20:41

only an fml if u cant get her off lmao >.< if u cant it sucks to be u

joshosh420 2

Friday 8 April 2011 20:43

what are you waiting for?

akallaan 7

Friday 8 April 2011 20:44

GET TO WORK!!!!!! Research and experiment!!!!!

Keywords

Transportation Cars Embarrassing Poopoo peepee Work Awkward Fire Kids Food Capitalism Money Clothes Miscellaneous AITA Thief Intimacy Health Birthday Death Sex Disability Abuse Love Camping Fish Vegan Holidays Ableism Geek Gamers

The Top

Today, I went for a lunch interview for my dream job. The interview was great and at the end, I tried to seal the deal by complimenting my future boss. I said, "You're really hardworking. Do you always work on a Saturday?" He looked at me, smiled and then wrote something down. Today's Friday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 841

You deserved it 59 885

Today, a guy I've been dating for a year asked me to meet him for dinner and a couple of drinks. After dinner, he confessed that he's been seeing another woman and has decided he wants to seek a relationship with her. He then told me how sex with me is great, but he didn't want me to continue being "the other woman." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 148

You deserved it 232

The Top

Today, my mom came into my bedroom and told me to "Listen to this voicemail." I listened to me and my girlfriend talking dirty, followed by the bed springs bouncing for 3 minutes. I had my phone in the pocket while I was having sex with her and it left my mom a nice voicemail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 803

You deserved it 42 531

Today, my girlfriend and I were talking about times we'd made our mothers cry. She said she'd only made her mother cry once. When I asked when, she said, "When I told her I was thinking about dating you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 962

You deserved it 3 518

Today, after scrubbing every surface twice a week for a month, I finally found the source of the pee smell in my bathroom. Under the toilet. The people who built our house didn't think it was necessary to seal around the toilet. There was two years of pee under there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 257

You deserved it 385

Today, my sister got a speeding ticket in the mail. A month ago, I got pulled over and used her name, intending to take care of it but forgot. She's going to the police station to review the footage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92

You deserved it 1 646

Today, I learned that in a battle to not be dehydrated, I achieved something called overhydration. The symptoms of which are similar to being dehydrated. After emptying my body of what has felt like every fluid I’ve ingested ever, I'm now back at square one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 729

You deserved it 273

Today, I paid $2300 to a mechanic for fixing my car. It's also the day I got into an accident and totalled said car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 656

You deserved it 172

Same thing different taste

Why would you stick that there?

Stuck

Great night out

Top comments

Comments