Today, I overheard my ex bragging to his buddies about how freaky his new girlfriend is, what with her animal tail butt plugs and such. Towards the end of our relationship, he called me disgusting for suggesting we spice things up with handcuffs. FML
by Anonymous / 05/27/2016 at 1:15pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy
srhearrell's comment : Well, good riddance then. I certainly wouldn't stick around that kind of guy.
Today, my dad mentioned how quickly I go through batteries. I've been single and celibate since I moved back home 11 months ago. He doesn't realize this and keeps asking about "missing" batteries. FML
by thundermoo / 05/27/2016 at 12:13pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy
Dusty_Cups's comment : Why aren't you buying your own batteries? If you want things to be discrete then you have to take the first step in making it that way. Also, try re-chargeable batteries if it's really that big of a problem.
Today, due to a new tattoo, I can't wear a bra for the next few days. My coworker knows about it and thought it would be funny to blast the air-con all day. I swear I could have used my nipples to type this, instead of my fingers. FML
ThunderLightTSV's comment : Key their cars with your nipples in revenge. Don't actually, but yea they're assholes.
by chazzywazzy654 / 05/27/2016 at 9:20am / United Kingdom (Ealing) / Health
Today, I was mowing my lawn and it had a dry looking dog turd. I figured I'd be able to mow it easily into the grass bag as dust. Instead, it still had enough moisture to splatter into clumps. Including a couple that went up my left nostril. FML
by Furzball / 05/27/2016 at 2:19am / United States (California) / Animals
Today, after spending all day begging my husband to stop playing video games and show me some attention, I finally fell asleep out of boredom. As soon as I did, he shut the game off and went to hang out with our neighbor. FML
by megsterr413 / 05/27/2016 at 12:45am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love
by ijustwannaplaymymusic / 05/27/2016 at 12:40am / United States (New Jersey) / Work
Today, I was playing basketball in the searing heat with my friends. I jokingly told my friend that I was gonna die if I stayed out there much longer. Two minutes later, I got the ball and made the shot that won. Too bad I didn't see it, since I collapsed right as I took the shot and blacked out. FML
by Anonymous / 05/27/2016 at 12:07am / United States (South Carolina) / Health
by RedFaced / 05/26/2016 at 8:11pm / Netherlands (Zuid-Holland) / Miscellaneous
by Disappointed / 05/26/2016 at 4:27pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love
Today, the management office of my apartment building announced it will be keeping packages in the office until you can pick them up. They also posted new hours. There will be someone in the office once a week, for two hours only. I work those two hours, every single week. No more mail for me. FML
by nomail / 05/26/2016 at 3:55pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous
Today, my economics teacher gives us a lot of photocopies, so I told her that she kills pandas by wasting so much paper. One of the girls in my class said, “No way! They use pandas to make paper?” FML