Today, my roommate's boyfriend professed his love to me. I kicked him out, and he stood outside the door calling my name until he saw my roommate coming down the hall. They both came in and he acted like nothing happened. FML

by Anonymous / 07/22/2016 at 6:01pm / Love

domolovesyoshi's comment : Next time he does it record it

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Today, I was fired for being late to work, even though the only reason I was late was because I had to stop at Starbucks to get my boss a drink. His son, who is at least 30 minutes late to work every day, was just walking in as I was walking out with all of my stuff. FML

by jaym42013 / 07/22/2016 at 3:29pm / United States (California) / Work

EDGE1095's comment : Talk to the HR committee! They will help you. Or at least tell us that you threw the coffee in his face!

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Today, I had the option of choosing a train or a plane to get to my destination. The train was cheaper but took 4 hours longer, so I picked the plane. My flight was delayed, so I essentially paid more to arrive later. FML

Today, I'm so deprived of female attention that I got a hard-on when a nurse told me I have beautiful veins. FML

by i fuckin love habaneros / 07/22/2016 at 3:19pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

alphafish17's comment : Were the veins in your penis?

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Today, I had to deal with yet another day of people looking at my name tag and saying "You know nothing, John Snow." with a shit-eating grin, like they're the wittiest people alive. Then I had to deal with my boss telling me to lighten up, because it's "just a joke". FML

by Anonymous / 07/22/2016 at 1:19pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Work

Today, I woke up and found a turd casually sitting in the bathroom sink. Just 9 more months left on this lease. FML

by Anonymous / 07/22/2016 at 1:17pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I've stopped smoking, lost 30 pounds, taken several painful tests, and checked my ovulation daily in an effort to get pregnant. My husband has only had one task during the entire process, and after hours of gaming, he says he's just too tired to have sex. FML

by NotTheMomma / 07/22/2016 at 10:06am / Intimacy

Today, my dad didn't mention he had just aired up the tire on my van and that it might have a hole in it. It wasn't flat when I left the house but it sure as hell was when it exploded, not even a mile down the road. FML

by ThanksForTheWarningDad / 07/22/2016 at 7:09am / United States (Nebraska) / Transportation

Today, I was told I'm not invited to my best friend's birthday party. Apparently, being divorced and childless doesn't "mesh" well with the rest of the group. My parents are still watching her kids so she can go away for the weekend. FML

by Foreveralone / 07/22/2016 at 4:54am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I came home from work early and caught my boyfriend in bed with my best friend. I'm such a pushover that I told them they have to finish up and she needs to get out of my house. FML

by DFTBA but FML / 07/22/2016 at 3:51am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, my batshit crazy coworker told me that she wants to hear my skin sizzle. I'm afraid to go to work now. FML

Today, I was on a plane flying home and fell asleep. I woke up to my own snoring and everyone on the plane looking at me. FML

by Anonymous / 07/22/2016 at 12:14am / United States (Montana) / Transportation

Today, I had to make a choice between being kept awake by the heat, or the cackling seagulls outside my window. I still don't know what's worse. FML