Today, I returned from a week long vacation in Aruba. After 10 hours of travel and 3 flights, I was walking to my car at the airport, excited to finally get home, only to realize I left my car keys, apartment keys, and work keys at the resort. FML

by kaleemuller / 05/03/2016 at 11:50am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out my 35 year-old brother got divorced 18 months ago when my now ex-sister-in-law told me via Facebook messenger, and asked me to tell my parents, as both of them were too scared to do it themselves. FML

by Clauric / 05/03/2016 at 11:15am / Love

Today, I tried to charge my phone at school by removing the socket for the fan. All the computers in the room turned off. I accidentally removed the power cables for the computers and got suspended. FML

by JoshWontonDo / 05/03/2016 at 11:06am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Work

ProbablyPingu's comment : Just unplug random devices without checking what they're plugged into so you can steal electricity from the government. How could that go wrong?

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Today, I finally realized I've spent the last 6 years building a business I hate. FML

by newbornphotog / 05/03/2016 at 9:20am / Germany (Bayern) / Work

Today, after a 14-mile bike tour in Chicago, I got rug burn on my inner thighs. Having the hostel room all by myself for the last couple of days, I got naked and let the air conditioner cool me off. I then had to explain to my roommate that walked in on me that I seriously was not jerking off. FML

by ImilkedYourMom / 05/03/2016 at 9:31am / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, my overweight colleague twisted his ankle. He's pretty self-conscious about his weight, but I had a brain-fart and told him he shouldn't try to put too much weight on it. His feelings are more hurt than his ankle now. FML

by WeighYourWords / 05/03/2016 at 7:12am / Belgium (Antwerpen) / Work

cacheson's comment : That's a typical thing to say about an injury. He should know that, and it shouldn't affect your ability to speak normally.

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Today, I'm so lonely, I wrote my number on a desk at my university, hoping someone would text me. FML

by insurgent / 05/03/2016 at 4:31am / Belgium (Antwerpen) / Love

DarthKobu's comment : When I was in junior high, I used to write notes on my desk in pencil and then the kid who sat at my desk in the other class would read it, erase it, and write back. This went in for a whole semester and I still have no clue who this kid was.

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Today, it's my birthday. I called my mom to thank her for the gift she'd sent. She was surprised and said, "Oh I thought you were waiting to open it." She ended the conversation with, "OK, I'll call you on your birthday." FML

by Trew Love / 05/03/2016 at 2:25am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, the Australian police woke me up by knocking on my door and yelling my name. I start to panic, imagining the worst: burglars, murder, even drug trafficking. Apparently, I didn’t hear my alarm, so my boss called the cops to come and get me. FML

by Love2sleep / 04/20/2013 at 12:31am / Australia (Queensland)

Today, I found out why my boyfriend of 5 years won't propose/marry me. He would rather wait for his estranged wife to meet someone, fall in love, decide to get married, and do the filing herself. He doesn't want to pay the couple of hundred dollars for the uncontested divorce filing. FML

by Ashley / 05/03/2016 at 12:25am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I noticed my cat was making a loud weezing noise when trying to breathe, so I rushed him to the vet's. $250.00 worth of tests later, he's fine. Just really fat. FML

by just-a-fat-cat / 05/02/2016 at 11:25pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Animals

Today, I returned home after a long day of work. I noticed that my kitten had gotten a hold of my pin cushion, and that there were no needles left in it. My husband and I have only managed to find one, out of 16. FML

by UnknownKitten / 05/02/2016 at 11:07pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, while directing traffic in uniform, I tripped over a traffic cone and fell straight on my butt in the middle of a busy intersection. FML

by onemoredonut / 05/02/2016 at 9:39pm / United States (Virginia) / Work