Today, I was taking a biology final and was just randomly tapping my pencil. My teacher thought I was somehow communicating with the person next to me, and decided to fail me. FML

by FML / 05/26/2016 at 12:37pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally tested out my new robot vacuum cleaner. My puppy decided she would test it out too by leaving a brown surprise for it to find, which it did. There are now brown marks in every room of the house. FML

by justpeachy1989 / 05/26/2016 at 10:06am / Australia / Animals

Today, I went for a three-mile run. I was really proud of myself until I woke up from my dream in my bed, surrounded by empty soda bottles and fast food bags. I haven't worked out in years. FML

by Ew / 05/26/2016 at 9:02am / United States (District of Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, at my job as a teacher, I saw a student cut another student's hair, I stopped a group of students from eating glue, and I had to tell a student to put away the toy cars he was playing with. I teach high school math. FML

by Courtney / 05/26/2016 at 8:12am / United States / Work

Roostermann25's comment : Yep. We age a little through elementary, a little more in middle school, and then we age backwards in high school.

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Today, my neighbor kindly set off a bed bug fogger rather than getting an exterminator, which we'd even offered to help him pay for. We have baseboard heating in our condo building. Guess where the parasites crawled to now. FML

by UniverseHatesMe / 05/26/2016 at 6:04am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I’m a French teacher abroad, and as my beard has a huge hole near my chin, my students call me Wolverine. At every lesson, they wait for me with pens stuck between their fingers. FML

by X-men / 04/15/2015 at 10:24pm / Honduras

Today, the first thing I noticed about my blind date was the clump of nose hairs sticking out and mingling with his beard. In an effort to not stare, I periodically glanced away. After a while, he asked which guy I was into at the table next to us, because I was spending so much time looking in that direction. FML

by anonymous / 05/25/2016 at 11:45pm / United States (Idaho) / Love

Today, I went into my kitchen after placing a line of salt across the floor in front of the back door the night before to ward off slugs that keep getting in, only to find 12 idiotic slugs dead and shrivelled up, leaving a horrible gooey mess. I don't know why I expected any intelligence from them. FML

by Spongebob Garypants / 05/25/2016 at 10:05pm / United Kingdom (Manchester) / Animals

whysobeachy's comment : Wouldn't expecting intelligence from slugs make YOU the idiot? Ooohh, plot twist.

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winterbee123's comment about their FML

Today, I got back my history paper. The whole paper had been crossed out and at the end, my professor had written "Really?!" I still don't know what I did wrong. FML

by winterbee123 / 10/25/2012 at 4:07am / United States (Oregon)

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

winterbee123

Hi all - I'm OP. I actually went to talk to my teacher and it turns out when he tells us to do "citations" he automatically assumes we know ...

Today, I had a guest at my house. I stood up to shake her hand and kiss her on both cheeks, which is common in my culture. When she was kissing my cheeks, I went the opposite way from her and I ended up kissing her on the lips instead. Her eyes went big and I ran away. FML

by lmaofuck / 05/25/2016 at 9:06pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Tripartita's comment : Ugh, I can't stand the creepy customs of exotic and isolated *looks at publish location* …Ohio, USA?

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Today, I went to a trampoline park and jumped into an adult-area foam pit that apparently used to be for children. I guess it never occurred to them to change the depth of it, as I now have a fractured ankle. FML

by anonymous / 05/25/2016 at 8:34pm / United States (New Mexico) / Health

Today, I was taking a shower, facing away from the faucet, when I dropped the soap. When I bent over to pick up the soap, my sister flushed a toilet in the next room, causing hot water to scorch my anus. I got made my shower's bitch, FML

by teflon_hammer / 05/25/2016 at 7:19pm / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, I'm on crutches due to hip surgery. I went to the fridge to grab a bite to eat, but quickly realized if I wanted anything, I would have to eat there. I can't carry anything. Cold leftovers here we go. FML

by Tmth / 05/25/2016 at 6:24pm / Health