Today, I had a conversation with the cute girl I like at work for the first time. I told her I worked in the camping department of the store, and we had a long chat about how she heard that the guy who runs that department is a complete dick head. I am the guy who runs that department. FML

by Smitty Werbenjeagermanjensen / 10/26/2016 at 11:19pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Baustigt's comment : It's interesting that you describe it being a long conversation. How long did you participate in slagging yourself off? Girl: "So I heard that he's a total dickhead." OP: "Oh, he's a complete knob. A total bellend. Just an utter fucking yankee doodle ding-dong."

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Today, my boyfriend made spaghetti Bolognese. He put the sauce with the pasta, in the water. FML

by FromBerryToE / 02/02/2010 at 11:47am / France

Today, I was informed I wouldn't be getting a raise because I hadn't followed the updated protocol. I said I was unaware that there was an updated protocol. My supervisor said, "That's because we didn't tell you about it." FML

by notgoodenough / 10/26/2016 at 2:47pm / Work

nreed32's comment : This is why Human Resources departments are necessary.

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Today, I celebrated my fifteen-week anniversary. No, not a relationship anniversary. A migraine anniversary. It won't stop. FML

by ElizaWy / 10/26/2016 at 11:52am / Health

Dilexar's comment : a fifteen week long migraine? please tell me you've seen a professional, cause that sounds like something definitely isn't right

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Today, I finally realized why my 9-week-old puppy was going to the bathroom so much. I went to pick up the food bag and realized she had chewed a hole in the bottom, and eaten half of the bag in the last 4 days. Goodbye 30 pounds of dog food, and 100$ for a vet visit. FML

by Pups4Cups / 10/26/2016 at 8:43am / Animals

Today, I've got the worst eczema I've had in 25 years. It's spread to the worst possible spot: right where my thighs touch when I walk. FML

by ItchyGirl / 10/09/2016 at 8:07am / Australia (Victoria) / Health


Today, I tried to impress a group of friends by jumping a set of stairs on my skateboard. I didn't realize the ceiling dropped down towards the bottom of the stairs and knocked myself out. FML

by HeadStillHurts / 10/26/2016 at 7:43am / Miscellaneous

Today, it’s my girlfriend’s birthday, so I ordered a cake at the bakery and asked the baker to write “Happy birthday Marie!” in italic, because I think it’s prettier. When I opened the box, I saw “HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARIE IN ITALY!” FML

by chachaxxx / 11/09/2011 at 6:35am / Mexico

Today, my parents are forcing me to go to an insanely conservative, Christian private school. I'm gay. This is going to be a long year. FML

Today, I explained to my boss what clickbait is and why it's bad practice to use it when writing online. After my explanation, she ordered me to go ahead with it, saying it's "exactly what we need". This person is the marketing communications director for a major multinational company. FML

by Anonymous / 10/25/2016 at 7:35am / Work

Today, without thinking, I casually advised my mum that the best way to get the piping nozzle clean is to 'fingerfuck' it. FML

by Anonymous / 10/25/2016 at 4:31am / Intimacy