Mr Single
Today, it was my daughter's birthday. She had been wanting a cat for a long time, so I went to the animal shelter and got an orange one. As soon as she saw it, she ran upstairs screaming, "GINGER! GINGER!" She refuses to come downstairs until I get rid of "the soulless creature." FML
Today, I decided to be a generous guy and slip a dollar from my pocket to a beggar. Turns out I'd slipped my hard-earned $100 bill instead. FML
Today, my parents bought purity rings for my twin brother and me for our birthday, and had them blessed by our priest. Neither of us are virgins. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky. He pulled off my panties and was about to go down on me when he said, "Wait, what's this white thing?" It was a piece of toilet paper. FML
Today, I saw my neighbor's Christmas tree they had put up on their porch, with decorative presents under it. Being that my neighbors hate me, I figured I would take a present to piss them off. While walking back home with the present, I opened it. Inside it read "I knew you would, douche bag." FML
Today, my wife posted on Facebook, "FUCK THA POLICE!" She got 40 likes. I'm a police officer. FML
Today, thanks to a new form of birth control, I've now been having my period non-stop for six weeks. FML
Today, I was feeling depressed and got very, very drunk. This evening, I was feeling equally desperate, and ended up having to get my special dildo removed from my asshole at the hospital. FML
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