abbyhoneywaffles

Today, I was casually shopping at Walmart. Everything was normal until the young guy browsing the aisle next to me suddenly approached me and whispered "sperm" into my ear. My spine has never experienced a chill like this one before. FML

Today, I learned that my hairdo must look like a rat. I found out when a hawk swooped down and dug its claws into my head while I was sunbathing. FML

Today, a private number called me telling me to "Beware the water bottles" as soon as a water bottle flew through my open window, hitting me. FML

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in ten years. He was stealing my car. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend I was ovulating. He said he didn't want to have sex because he was afraid of getting eggs on his penis. He then compared it to having sex with a fish. FML

Today, my sister's boyfriend said the only thing he'd change about her was her last name. My boyfriend told me he'd change the shape of my nose. FML

Dick move

Today, I had to ask my boyfriend to stop measuring his penis during our conversation. FML

Today, after putting an ad on Craigslist to sell a coat, I finally got a call. The guy on the phone seemed interested, and was especially curious to know if I could "model" it for him, in "stockings and suspenders." FML

Today, I went on a fifth date with a guy, and he asked me if we could be boyfriend and girlfriend. Just after I said yes, he pulled out a contract and asked me to sign on the dotted line. FML