IronMan89

Today, I had a long, meaningful telephone conversation. After hanging up, I realized I hadn't had such a great conversation in a long time. Who was it with? The Dell Customer Support guy. FML

Today, I found out I have a daughter. How did I find out? She added me on Facebook. FML

Jump scare

Today, I was watching a horror movie with my girlfriend. Suddenly, the killer jumped on screen. My girlfriend screamed. I pissed myself. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided to name his penis "Jesus". For the last two hours he's been continuously asking if I "want to be touched by Jesus" or will I "let Jesus in to spread his warmth." FML

Get back here!

Today, my very drunk mother decided to run down the block naked, screaming at the top of her lungs, "She's trying to kill me!" as I followed behind her in my car, yelling for her to get in. FML

Today, I locked my keys in my car. I was late for work so I went to smash the side window with a big rock. The rock bounced off the window and into my face. FML

It can't wait

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth removed. I went to see my boyfriend for comfort because I was in so much pain. The first thing he asked me when I saw him with huge cheeks? When would be the next time I could give him a blowjob. FML

Today, I met a man at the bar, and he asked me to go home with him. The problem? He's 80. I'm 29. The bigger problem? I considered it. It's been that long. FML

Today, I was babysitting for my mum's friend. I put her little boy on my knee, and he kept pulling at my top. I asked him "are you hungry?" He replied "No, I want to see your titties." FML

Today, I asked my fiancé what he liked most about being in a relationship with me. His answer? "I can watch your boobs without being called a perv." FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. He got on the bed on all fours and crawled towards me, saying "My precious... my precious" in Gollum's voice. FML