Today, I found out that my girlfriend of one week is suicidal and crazy about me. She showed me that she'd carved her old boyfriend's name in her arm, and she threatened suicide if I ever left her. FML
Today, my son learned about various animals in school, and how they urinate to mark their territory. Apparently, the entire second floor of my house is now my son's territory. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 6 months told me he was not going to celebrate Valentine's Day because it was a "capitalistic consumerism holiday." He works in a bank and helps "capitalistic consumerism" 364 days a year. FML
Today, I was carrying a hot cup of noodles. I sneezed and accidentally stabbed myself in the forehead with a fork. FML
Today, I found out the hard way that my girlfriend lied about being on the pill four months ago. FML
Today, my parents decided they won't pay for college because of a Fox News story that said higher education "makes you liberal." FML
Today, I realized that the only things I gained from my Masters programs are more debt and the knowledge that you can use a semicolon in a list. FML
Today, I went to the movies with my friends. A pretty redhead came on the screen. One of my guy friends leaned over to me and said, "Have you noticed there aren't any pretty redheads in real life?" I guess he forgot what color my hair is. FML
Today, I found out that my mom goes through my garbage. I'm 25 and don't live with her. FML
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