Today, I got more happy birthday wishes on my porn account than my Facebook. FML
Today, I dropped off my 19 year old daughter at her first job. It's at a strip club. FML
Today, I spent 3 hours trying to read my dog's mind. FML
Today, I dislocated my elbow chasing my cat around the hardwood floors of my house in knee-high socks and wiping out going around a corner. The doctors suggested that I not tell people how it happened. FML
Today, someone spray painted a black skull on the side of my house. We painted over it and installed lights to hopefully persuade intruders not to vandalize the property because it would be a bright area. The lights were stolen. FML
Today, my 27 year-old boyfriend chose playing with Lego over making sweet love to me. FML
Today, while walking down the street, I saw a man attacking a woman in an alley. I ran to help, and shoved the man away from her. Except it turns out he wasn't attacking her; he was getting it on with his fiancée. FML
Today, I was talking about phobias and anxiety disorders in psychology class. I nearly had a panic attack because I was worried that someone might realize I suffer from them. FML
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