Miss Baltimore 25 years-old Single
Today, my friend told me that Otter Box phone cases protect the phone whether it's thrown or just dropped. I disagreed. He then threw his phone across the room into a cement wall to prove it. The phone's screen was completely shattered and now he thinks I owe him a new phone. FML
Today, my friends showed me a video of me blind drunk last night, getting into a fight with my front door. The door won, unlike my face. FML
Today, my girlfriend called me and said she needs to take a break from our relationship. Why? Her really clingy ex is really depressed about her dating someone else and he isn't ready to accept it. So she wants to take a break "for his sake" until he's over her. FML
Today, I was pouring my heart out to my dad about how I'm such a loser and how I have no friends. He listened sympathetically, until his phone buzzed with a text message. He said, "Balls, the guys from work wanna get shitfaced!" and took a rain check on me. FML
Today, I was making some scrambled eggs. I had the eggs in a pan, stirring for about ten minutes, before I realised that the eggs were cooking very slow. I tried to figure out what was wrong for another few minutes before my grandma pointed out to me that the oven wasn't turned on. FML
Today, I had to go to the emergency room in the middle of the night. Even though they know I don't have any money, let alone shoes on my feet, my parents have decided it's far too much trouble to come pick me up because we're on vacation and they want to have fun. FML
Today, the drive-thru lady at Taco Bell broke my debit card and tried to hide it by wrapping it in a receipt. FML
Today, I got the last clean bowl out of the cupboard for a bowl of cereal. After I had finished, my family asked me if I had cleaned it first. It turns out that that specific bowl is apparently the dog's, and everyone just puts it back after feeding him. FML
Today, I found out my pregnant sister has been watching Teen Mom 2 to find out how to be a good parent. FML
Today, I waited 45 minutes at the Apple Store for my grandpa to very loudly ask why PornHub wasn't loading on his computer. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me because her dog "told her to". FML
Today, my brother was telling me about my "sweet" and "pure" ex-girlfriend. Three stab wounds have already proven otherwise. FML
Today, my step-sister told me that she was getting married to her girlfriend next summer. At a big family brunch, I made a toast to their marriage. I didn't know that my step-mom didn't know they were dating in the first place, or that she was severely homophobic. FML
Today, while at work, I mustered up the courage to talk to a cute girl. I asked her name, to which I replied with mine and that it was nice to meet her. She followed up with a dirty look and the fact she hates anyone with my name. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina is "as clean as a dog's mouth." I'm not sure if that supposed to be a compliment or not. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't like cuddling in bed because he hates rebreathing his own carbon dioxide. FML
Today, I found out that you can ruin a $500 computer with a few stray drops of 100% acetone nail polish remover on the keyboard. FML
Today, I got written up because apparently leaning on the counter at work is unprofessional, even if you're about to pass out and the counter is the only thing keeping you on your feet. FML
Today, my boyfriend got upset that I wouldn't give him head. He was visiting me at the hospital. FML
Today, an older lady approached me at work and stroked my hair, telling me it was 'beautiful'. This isn't unusual, I'm a natural redhead and octogenarians especially seem to love the colour. However, the unusual part was the glob of snot she left in my hair from her unwashed hands. FML
Today, I learnt the meaning of the phrase "ménage à trois". I had always thought it was synonymous with "fiasco" and have used it several times in essays. FML
Today, I spotted an elderly man trying to use the ladder at work. Knowing customers aren't supposed to use these, I went over and helped. Not only did I fall from the ladder, but I landed on the old man's foot, breaking my elbow and fracturing his toe. FML
Today, at work, the girl I've been into for the past 6 months confessed that she liked me, but also confessed she had sex with our boss. Our boss happens to be my dad. FML
Today, I asked my one-year-old to come and give mommy a kiss. She did and it was really sweet, until she tried to spit a piece of dog food into my mouth. FML
Today, feeling very self-conscious about my looks, I told my mom I felt ugly and wished I could be as beautiful as her. She only said, "Yeah, I'm pretty, I wonder what happened to you." FML
Today, after ranting to my best friend about how all our friends are having kids and how teenage pregnancy will ruin their lives, she announced to me that she's pregnant. FML
Today, I discovered that my ex-girlfriend writes erotic fiction describing all of my moves in intimate detail. The whole internet gets to critique my entire sexual repertoire. FML
Today, I fed my 4ft python a live rat for the first time. He now has a new friend he won't let me near. FML
Today, I found my daughter sobbing and trying to stick a wad of gauze to her vagina. She was having her first period. FML
Today, I went to the store with my 4-year-old daughter. While I was trying to change into tight jeans, which weren't completely on, my daughter opened the curtain and yelled, "It's the Mommy Show!" Everyone there heard her and saw me. FML
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