Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me. I got bitchy about it, and said "Did I say you could take a picture?" He replied with, "No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?" I turned around, and they were right behind me. FML
Today, I was walking through Macy's with my girlfriend. I stopped to admire a mannequin's ass, joking with my girlfriend like I was touching it. Then I slapped it. It wasn't a mannequin. FML
Today, I was bored and decided it would be fun to pretend to be an undercover cop and pull over other cars. The first car I pulled over was a real undercover cop. FML
Today, my 6 year-old daughter asked, "What would happen to me if you and daddy died?" I told her that she'd probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said, "You guys can die. I won't cry. I get everything I want over there." FML
Today, I told my girlfriend over MSN that we had to talk. I log on to facebook and the first thing I see is that she changed our relationship from "In a Relationship" to "It's Complicated." FML
Today, I hit a deer. The worst part? Papa deer saw me hit mama deer, and proceded to ram into my car. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend joined a group on Facebook called 'Swallow. Or it's going in your eye.' Today I also found out that my boyfriend takes Facebook groups very seriously. FML
Today, my girlfriend's father sent me a text message that simply stated "You ruined my relationship with my daughter." I wanted to ask him for his blessing to marry his daughter. FML
Today, I was walking towards a group of guys playing basketball, who stopped and stared at me while saying, "Daaaamn..." As I passed them, one of them said, "She looked hotter from a distance." FML
Today, I was rubbing my lips against my boyfriend's lips when I said, "Your mustache tickles" in a sexy tone. His response was, "So does yours." FML
Today, I got a parking ticket while standing beside my car. FML
Today, my girlfriend's father offered her $10 to stop talking to me. I don't have a girlfriend anymore. FML
Today, I start work in an office, with my mother. FML
Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML
Today, I was babysitting for my mum's friend. I put her little boy on my knee, and he kept pulling at my top. I asked him "are you hungry?" He replied "No, I want to see your titties." FML
Today, I couldn't fall asleep till 3am and was woken approximately every hour or so. Why? I found out my new upstairs neighbors have a very active love life. She's a screamer. FML
Today, I was dumped by my girlfriend due to our long distance relationship. She then agreed to date my best friend who lives in the same town as me. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for for his birthday in a couple of days. He replied "to be single" and walked out of the room. FML
Today, I found out I won't be able to go to college. Why? My sister's horse needs surgery. FML
Today, I witnessed a series of nude old people cycling in the city. I was eating. FML
Today, I discovered that my name literally means "burden". This wouldn't be so bad if both my mother and father knew this when they named me. FML
Today, I got Wii Fit, Wii Mario Kart and Wii Mario Galaxy for my birthday, I don't have a Wii. FML
Today, after twisting my knee playing soccer with my friends, I had to take myself to the hospital. Apparently finishing the game was more important to them. FML
Today, I mentioned to my dad (we have a close relationship) that my last condom had expired. Happy to buy me new ones for the sake of safe sex, he asked me "Do you need small, or extra small?" FML
Today, I made a mistake at work that got seven people fired. I'm scared to leave the office because they're all outside. FML
Today, I was closing at work when someone came in ten minutes before our closing time at 2 a.m. and placed a huge order. I couldn't turn him away because he's my manager from my other job. He was drunk. FML
Today, the elevator broke in my dorm and won't be fixed for several days. I live on the 26th floor. FML
Today, I ran over my neighbors' cat. I didn't want it to look like I killed it, so I put it under my other neighbor's car so it would look like they ran over it. The cat's owners were watching me. FML
Today, I put an anonymous note under my neighbour's door asking them to not have sex so loudly during the day. Since then, I haven't heard any sex. Unfortunately, I have heard a woman crying loudly because she just found out about her husband's affair. FML
Today, I locked myself out of my car. While walking home to retrieve the spare, I realized I locked my house keys inside the house this morning. Now I must decide whether to break into my house or car. FML
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