Miss In a relationship
Today, my virgin girlfriend who wanted to lose her virginity to me got on Google, and quizzed me on how to properly put on a condom. She doesn't trust me. FML
Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He got a text and reached over to get his phone. In the process, he elbowed my face and busted my lip. He laughed. FML
Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML
Today, my daughter got engaged. Her fiancé is not only 25 years older than her, but was her teacher in middle school. FML
Today, I was eating at a Mexican restaurant with my sister. I was happily biting into a burrito, when I saw a man in his car in the restaurant parking lot, staring at us and jacking off. FML
Today, I woke up to find my new roommate staring straight at me. She then went on to say, "I love how you sleep," and continued to stare. I live in a residence off campus and I've already changed roommates twice this year. I'm stuck with a person who stares at me sleep for the next two years. FML
Today, my friend and I were racing on our bicycles when my chain snapped. I went over the handlebars and slid, on my back, for about ten feet. FML
Today, I realized the nicest thing my fiancé has said to me all month was that I have "very suckable titties." FML
Today, I turned on my camera to find pictures of my dad's secretary giving him a blowjob. Minutes later, I hear a scream from another room as my 12-year-old sister discovers similar pictures on HER camera. Mom and dad say it's no big deal. FML
Today, I was talking to my mom. During the conversation she asked me, "Does he take his leg off when you guys are having sex?" Referring to the guy I've been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked, "Does he spank you with it too if you've been naughty?" FML
Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML
Today, I had an elaborate plan to ask this girl to Prom, and it was going to take a few minutes to set up. I asked my friend to distract her. He decided to distract her by asking her to Prom. She said "Yes". FML
Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML
Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML
Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon. FML
Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML
Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of two years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML
Today, after being at summer camp for two weeks, my parents never showed up to take me home. A counselor had to drive me. FML
Today, my boyfriend bought a pogo stick. Now he rides it more than he rides me. FML
Today, my boyfriend hacked my facebook account and set my status to say that I was in love with my boss. Seeing the post, my boss called me into his office, and told me he loved me too... FML
Today, I decided not to go on Facebook so people would actually think that I have a life. FML
Today, I've recently gained weight so I bought an exercise video. I started it right away in my room on the top floor. My younger sister screamed and ran outside a few minutes later. She thought it was an earthquake. FML
Today, I decided to try and seduce my boyfriend of two years. He was on his laptop, and while he was on it I took off my shirt and bra, and gave him a hug from behind. What I didn't know was that he was video chatting his father the whole time. FML
Today, I learned that my mom's laptop was originally my Christmas gift. She opened it and decided she liked it so much she should have it. I got hot rollers. FML
Today, I was brushing my teeth and shaving in the shower. My favorite song came on, and I got mixed up. My tongue and mouth are cut badly now. FML
Today, my dad found my "list". 32 guys, 4 girls. Colour coded as to who I would sleep with again and who I wouldn't, who were virgins, etc. He complimented me on my "organizational skills." FML
Today, my boyfriend showed me how he gives himself a semi-erection before he goes into the men's showers after training so his penis will look bigger in front of all the guys. I find it worrying that he won't have sex with me, but has no problem walking around in front of men naked with a semi. FML
Today, while driving through town, I was distracted by a pretty girl walking on the nearby pavement and accidentally rear-ended the car in front of me. Not only did the pretty girl witness the crash and give a statement, it turned out she was a very feminine man. FML
Today, while sitting at my desk at work, a co-worker asked for my help. It was only after I had walked over to his desk, bent over, answered his question, and walked back to my stall, that I felt a breeze. My tube top had slid down across my breasts, revealing my bra to the entire office. FML
Today, I was at work, when a co-worker began to shake a near empty box. Without thinking, I shouted "What if there was a baby in there? You just killed it!" I then remembered she recently suffered a miscarriage. FML
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