33 years-old
Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML
Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML
Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. Then I found another note on a can that said, "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML
Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML
Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML
Today, my crush took me out to lunch. When the waiter came for our orders he ordered onoin rings and looks at me and says, "I won't be kissing anyone tonight anyways." FML
Today, it was my 17th birthday. My mom forgot and my best friend is out of town. The highlight of my day? The guy at McDonald's slipped an extra apple pie in my bag. FML
Today, I went to the movies with the girl I liked. She kept on eating my popcorn so I whispered in her ear, "Pretty soon your going to have to repay me with kisses." Then she looked at me and walked out the theatre. She came back with a bucket of popcorn and said, "Here, you're repaid." FML
Today, I fell down the stairs and broke my arm. I went into hospital to get it put in a cast, but still went into school afterwards. I got written up for truancy because I didn't have a doctor's note. The cast was still on my arm. FML
Today, my sisters and I were throwing my mom a birthday party. Since I'm not good at baking, I ordered her a really nice and expensive cake. As my daughter and I were headed out the door, she told me she had added some sprinkles to make it pretty. It was the silica beads from a package. FML
Today, my parents invited all their kids and grandkids to join them on a vacation trip to the mountains; all their kids except me, that is. I'm not invited. But they did invite my ex-husband. And his new girlfriend. FML
Today, I was holding hands with my daughter and she wanted to skip. When I went to skip I accidentally kneed her in the face. Everyone saw her holding her busted lip and pointing at me. FML
Today, my grandpa, a married high school teacher, got arrested for having an inappropriate relationship with a female student. Hearing the news, I called my grandma crying. Not only is he most likely going to jail, but in seven months I will have a new aunt who is eighteen years younger than me. FML
Today, I received an anonymous letter telling me that I smell bad, and suggesting that I wear more deodorant. Apparently my BO is so bad that someone feels the need to stalk me to point it out. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend of 3 years out to where we had our first date. I proposed to her. She breaks down in tears as she tells me she's been sleeping with her co-worker for the past year. FML
Today, at work, I was called into the office by my supervisor, on whom I have a massive crush. He called me in to get my password to make some adjustments on my work account and asked me what my password was. I had to hold eye contact with him and tell him my password is his full name. FML
Today, I was chosen by my coworkers to explain to my elderly boss that ''tossing the salad'' isn't another expression for saying ''brainstorming''. She didn't believe me. Guess we will all keep ''tossing the salad'' for new ideas each afternoon. FML
Today, I flirted with a guy for ten minutes before realizing I was sitting between him and his girlfriend. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to play dead so he could have sex with my "corpse." FML
Today, I was on the phone to a guy I really like from work. We'd been talking for about 2 minutes, when he said he was getting another call, and put me on hold. I was so excited to be on the phone with him, it took me a whole 15 minutes to realise he had actually just hung up on me. FML
Today, I found out the real reason why me and my boyfriend of four and a half months have "so much in common". He used to be my stalker, who followed me around in a black hoodie and always posted stuff on my Myspace as an anonymous person. FML
Today, I was walking in the park with my boyfriend of 3 years. He stopped and knelt down in front of me. I started to panic, then he told me to calm down, my shoe was untied. FML
Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by creating an account on Runescape, his favorite game. After finding him in-game, I started talking to him, not revealing who I was. After a while, I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He promptly said no and asked me for nude pics. FML
Today, my best friend decided to start dating my ex. We broke up yesterday. She also thinks I'm crazy because I'm upset about it. FML
Today, my mum got an electric car. It's so quiet that we could hear the bones of my cat break as we reversed over it on the driveway. FML
Today, my girlfriend's parents walked in on us having sex. Not only did her dad make me walk out to my truck with no clothes on, he is my baseball coach and I will be seeing him on Monday. FML
Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML
Today, I found out that the mysterious yellow mould that won't come off my apartment floor is in fact the remains of a condom my room-mate used when she was f*cking her boyfriend in my bed. Afterwards, she apparently threw it on the floor and let it lie there. For three weeks. FML
Today, I went to my boyfriend's house and sat around while he played video games. He turned to me and could see I was annoyed. Then he told his friends on XBox Live that he needed a 10 minute break to have sex with me. FML
Today, while at a party, a cute topless woman sat next to me to flirt with the guy on the other end of the couch. This is the closest I've been to a pair of boobs in 3 years. FML
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