Rose8u

Today, whilst brushing my teeth, I fell asleep, poking myself in the eye with my toothbrush. FML

Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML

Today, I was in spanish class, having a debate about the death penalty. When I went to make a point, I meant to say "La pena de muerte", which means "The death penalty". I said, "La pene de muerte". Turns out that means, "The penis of death". FML

Today, a creepy man on the subway said he liked my eyeballs. It was the best compliment I've received in months. FML

Today, while shopping in the FML store I bought the "Retro Sport Tee," I didn't notice you are supposed to put your own "FML" on the shirt. Mine says "Today, Your Text Here. FML." FML

Today, my 9 year old nephew found his way onto my iTunes. I now have 401 songs titled "aidfj3P" by "ffjiel". FML

Dick joke

Today, I was eating M&Ms on a chair when I dropped one and it fell under my crotch. My mom came in to see me with my hand on my crotch while angrily muttering, "Where's that little bastard gone?" FML

Today, my boyfriend of five years gave me the silent treatment, refusing to talk to me or do anything more than glare at me during the entire three hour drive we took this morning. Why? Because I slept with his best friend. In his dream last night. FML

Hiking is fun

Today, I went hiking with my friend. We both had to pee really bad, so we went to the edge of a cliff to relieve ourselves. He peed and it came and hit me in the face. He did it on purpose, so I decided to get him back and peed at him. The wind changed direction and hit me in the face again. FML

Today, I pretended to smoke a bread stick that looked like a cigar. It made me feel cool. FML

Today, I was attending a drug-free lecture at school. The speaker said, "There are many ways to quit smoking. You can try patches, gum, or even quitting cold turkey. Any questions?" I raised my hand, and she called on me. I asked, "How does cold turkey help?" And then I realized. FML

Today, I found a piece of rice in my belly button. I can't remember the last time I ate or handled rice. FML

Noooooooooo!

Today, I reached a new low and embarrassed my entire family. While in the frozen section of Walmart, I dropped to my knees and let out a horrific, agonizing scream, when I found out they were out of Strawberry Toaster Strudels. FML

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Suddenly, he grabbed my 'lower' lips and moved them in a talking motion, proclaiming that "the talking vagina declares war and wants to conquer the great penis." FML

Smooth criminal

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying he needed me to bail him out of jail. The crime? Masturbating in public. FML

Today, we were in the car with my puppy, who favours my sister. She had been sat on her lap for a while, when she stood up and climbed onto my lap. I was really pleased until she peed on me and then went straight back to my sister. FML

HOW COULD YOU?

Today, I received a 7-page text message during school from my mom yelling at me because I ate her cereal. FML

Today, I've been considering breaking up with my girlfriend so I don't have to buy her a Christmas present. FML

Today, while going to work, I was mugged. On the way back, I was mugged. FML

Today, my 4 year old cousin is staying overnight. Every time I fall asleep he wakes me up to tell me I fell asleep. FML

Today, I discovered my wife has a YouTube channel dedicated to 20 second videos of her wearing a fake mustache and making weird sounds. FML

Today, I decided to be extra nice to my girlfriend by washing all the dishes and folding all the clothes. She thought I was being "too nice" and hypothesized that I was cheating on her. FML

Today, I was in a parking lot looking for a spot, and after driving around for a long while I finally found one. A homeless man was taking a shit on it. FML

Today, my dad texted me while I was in school saying, "Your cat vomited. Covered it up with a bowl so you can clean it when you come home." FML

Today, I woke up so pissed off that I yelled at my cereal. FML

Today, I came home to my front door open and a homeless man taking a 'bath' in my sink. If this wasn't bad enough, he refused to leave because 'finders keepers!' FML

Today, my mom took me to a counselor because of my addiction to watermelon. FML

Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML

Today, I got mugged. I also got an extra kick in the face for not having money in my wallet. FML

Today, I surprised my four year-old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it "Horny". FML