Today, I grazed my hand over the bottom of my desk's keyboard tray, and found something sticky. I gagged when I realized it was jizz, and I immediately washed my hands and wiped everything. I then checked my browser history, which was full of porn. Thanks, roomie. FML
katluvnc tells us more.
katluvnc 10
Computer is now password protected. It wasn't before cause I let him use my computer for school work, but obviously, he was using it for other purposes!
Today, I came home to find that my dog had figured out how to open the fridge again. He'd helped himself to raw eggs and crab. FML
Today, I had an accident at work. Not the kind involving worker's compensation. The kind involving desperately scrubbing my office chair with paper towels, before going home to change my pants. FML
Today, while shopping in the baby department at a local department store, a woman approached me asking when I was due. I told her that I was due in 4 months. I lied. I'm not pregnant. FML
Today, I had to ask my sister if she'd shit her pants because the smell of poop was following us around Paris. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I had to ask an eighteen-year-old, or that she said yes and didn't do anything. FML
Today, my new girlfriend canceled my badly needed haircut appointment. She feels that having my female hairstylist wash and cut my hair involves "too much touching" and "counts as cheating." FML
Today, my boss is now so comfortable with me that she doesn't even try to hide the fact that she goes digging for gold in her nose through every conversation we have. FML
Today, I've stopped smoking, lost 30 pounds, taken several painful tests, and checked my ovulation daily in an effort to get pregnant. My husband has only had one task during the entire process, and after hours of gaming, he says he's just too tired to have sex. FML
Today, while out for a jog, I noticed that you never know how fast you run until you're being followed by someone in a car you don't know, and they're continuously honking at you. I later found out it my dad in his new car. FML
Today, I was late to dinner with my anal-retentive parents because my boyfriend was too busy making cock puppets in the shower to get ready to go. FML
Today, I took a picture of myself and put it on Facebook. After I did so, I realized that in the background, you can see my crush's Facebook page up on my laptop. He tagged himself. FML
Today, my wife mentioned that she wanted to give me a three-way. I was ecstatic, until she opened her right hand, only to reveal a 3-way lightbulb. FML
phatdaddy62 tells us more.
phatdaddy62 23
Im a criminal defense and divorce lawyer. That prank might not have desirable results!
Today, my boss reached over and yanked up my shirt right above my breasts while she said, "I'm all for flaunting it if you've got it, but don't reveal that much cleavage, there are dirty old men that work here." FML
Today, I found out that if I don't get fillings in at least ten of my teeth within the next year, I could lose them all. I'm 19. FML
Today, I joined my boyfriend at a work conference out of state. One of the other conference-goers struck up a conversation and I obliged. Apparently, I was too nice. He followed me into the hotel lobby and openly watched me go back to my hotel room, making sure to count the room numbers. FML
CreeptacularBait tells us more.
Hello there! OP Here! Sorry for the long post in advance! Thank you for all the comments! 1) I went for a walk outside while my boyfriend was off at a meeting at the main office (It's a HUGE Company). Since he was gone for hours I was trying to entertain myself. The man approached me outside the hotel as I was coming in. I only knew he worked for the same company because he had on a company shirt and was talking with a large group of other people wearing the same shirt. He stepped into my path inside to talk to me. 2) I didn't think anything was wrong at first but when I went to go inside I could see his reflection on the glass doors of the hotel and noticed he was watching me leave. I tried to shrug it off as me being paranoid. 3) The layout of the hotel is that there is a large open lobby plan. All of the rooms open up to the main lobby, so you could be on the first floor, or the ninth floor, and still see everything from standing in the main lobby. I was on the third floor almost already at my room when I glanced down and saw him in the main lobby STARING RIGHT AT ME. I immediately whipped my head forwards and watched from the corner of my eye and he refused to take his eyes off of me. I panicked and thought about hiding behind a pillar but realized that would alert him to the fact I knew he was there and might make him react in a bad way. I went towards my room, realized that that was also a bad idea because now he knew what room I was in, so I turned and went to try and head down to another room, but panicked again and hid behind a pillar when I saw he was counting the doors from the lobby and hadn't seen me come back out again. So I darted back in my room, locked the door, and stayed in the back room with a lamp at the ready. 4) I immediately tried to call my boyfriend but he didn't pick up. Not long after I heard someone at the door and had the lamp at the ready when my boyfriend walked in. He was completely bewildered, so I explained everything. He laughed and said if the guy did try to come to the room he would answer the door: Naked. 5) We ended up leaving a day earlier than expected and it turned out for the best because his friend apparently wasn't booked for the night when he needed to be so we gave him our room. We also warned him about the guy and he said if the guy did show up, he'd answer the door naked too! We did get some lovely sight-seeing in, instead. :)
Today, I didn't feel like going to work, so I called in sick. Five hours later while out shopping, I got hit by a car at a crosswalk. Now I'm laid-up in the local hospital, really wishing I was with the guys at work. FML
Today, I heard grunting noises from my brother's room, like when he's having a seizure, so I went in to help. And now I need brain bleach. FML
Today, I met a girl who was just as socially anxious as me. We spent the whole night staring at each other, then quickly looking away when the other person saw. FML
Today, I tried to power through work on a construction site after a couple of sick days. I can't do anything without constantly sucking on cough drops. And it turns out that excessive consumption of cough drops can have a laxative effect. FML
Today, I told the man I've been in love with for 3 years, who also happens to be my boss, how I felt. He responds by filing sexual harassment charges against me. FML
Today, I came home, turned on my laptop, and turned the TV on mute so I could check my email. My mom came home an hour later, took a look at me on the couch, then the TV, and asked what on earth I was watching. I looked up from my laptop and realized it was porn. FML
Today, my boyfriend's parents decided that I was untrustworthy and that if they ever saw him with me he'd be heavily punished. They're travelling hundreds of miles just to make sure he stays in the house and doesn't talk to me. FML
Today, I went bowling. The guy at the lane next to us was bowling by himself and had a few of his own bowling balls, and he had one that looked like a yin-yang and it looked very cool spinning down the lane into the pins. Not really thinking, I casually said to him, "Hey, I like your balls." FML
Today, I got a text from a call girl. She asked me to delete her number because I'm too demanding. FML
Today, I was at work laminating a large photo. While I was doing this, I had a sudden itch on my nut sack. So I quickly scratched it away. When the customer came to pick up the print, I noticed that one of my pubic hairs had laminated itself on the cheek of the woman in the photograph. FML
Today, I was at church and saw a blind teenager who obviously looked lost. Feeling like I should help, I went over and asked if he needed anything. He said, "I can't find my caretaker." I asked, "What does she look like?" FML
Today, while getting it on with my boyfriend, I decided to be spontaneous and do something sexy. I started taking his underwear off with my teeth. My teeth dragged over his shaft, and my braces cut up his foreskin in the process. Now he's not talking to me. FML
Today, I went to school without makeup. No one recognized me. FML
Today, we had some workers come to paint my office building. As a receptionist, it's my job to stock the fridge with soda. I walked into the supply closet just in time to find a worker peeing in a bucket. I stood there for about 10 seconds before I understood what was happening and ran out. FML
Today, my cat likes to share my pillow at night. I guess she was extra comfortable last night, because she didn't bother getting off it to hack up a hairball. I woke up because I rolled my face onto it. FML
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