Today, while trying to relax because I'm sick and I feel like crap, the shower head attachment fell and hit me on the head. FML
Today, my girlfriend called me an "obsessive weirdo" for always checking the chamber on my handgun whenever I pick it up. The last time I let her touch it, she mishandled it and shot a hole in the floor. Glad she's learned her lesson. FML
Today, I went to my parents' for dinner, who greeted me outside and immediately my mom said, “What are you wearing? Go to my room and change your shirt.” I was with my husband and I’m 47. FML
Today, I've lost so much weight from depression that I don't fit into women's clothing anymore. There's nothing like trying to find dress pants in the kids section. FML
Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend can't swim and we are about to go on a romantic holiday to Zanzibar where all our excursions include water-based activities. His solution is that I just go do them all by myself. FML
Today, my two boys wanted to sleep in bed with us. My wife gave them the okay, even though there’s not enough room for all of us to lay. I’m now sleeping in my 3 year-old’s bed. FML
Today, my CEO called and spoke to me like I'm a child. Apparently, she has a surprise for me, "but only if I clean up my office first." She hasn't been to my office in months because she works in another state. Turns out, someone texted her a picture of my messy office. FML
Today, I went on a first date with a guy. He told me his wife had filed for divorce this morning (I had no idea he had ever been married) and then he sent me the e-receipt for my nachos along with his Venmo handle. FML
Today, my brother and I were nearly made homeless by a good friend and roommate, because after repeatedly leading on my brother, and admitting she’s disrespected me all along, she and her boyfriend took off suddenly without a word of notice, leaving us to a house we can't afford alone. FML
Today, I woke up to a flooded apartment. Apparently, the upstairs neighbor's bathtub had overflowed and water was pouring through my ceiling. My landlord said he couldn't do anything until the water stopped, so I spent the morning frantically trying to mop up the water while feeling completely helpless. FML
Today, after a full year of work getting my house decorated, it was finally finished. I stepped back from the last painted wall to admire it and my neighbour on the other side of the wall, who was doing some decorating of his own, drilled too far and punched his drill bit right through the wall. FML
Today, I've come to accept that I'll likely never be intimidating or taken seriously, because despite being 6'3" and 205 lbs, I have the face of a 12 year-old. I'm 25. FML
Today, I ended up in the hospital for the fourth time since beginning of January due to kidney stones. FML
Today, I had a dream in which an electrical outlet began spewing water. It then spoke to me, "You’re not telling ANYONE about this." I then woke up with laryngitis. FML
Today, I picked up my 5 year-old son for Christmas break. We were on the way to the airport, talking about Santa and what we were going to do over the break when my fiancée called to tell me that she had been exposed to Covid-19. I took him home to his mom's and missed my flight. FML
Today, my psychiatrist prescribed Xanax. I thought that was a little extreme and that my anxiety wasn't bad enough for that. Within the next hour, I had 2 panic attacks. I guess I'm worse off than I thought. FML
Today, my alarm clock consisted of my children stomping on my manhood while dumping Froot Loops on my head. FML
Today, I told my mother I was doing fine with my classes when I actually wasn't because her mother is dying, and I didn't want her to have more things to stress about. She found out and she's very hurt. I feel awful about it and I know lying wasn't the right thing to do, but in the moment I didn't want to cause her any more pain. FML
Today, my dad is in the hospital for heart failure. Almost every single one of my aunts, uncles, and cousins have managed to find a way to make it about themselves for attention. FML
Today, my wife forced me to delete a female friend’s number off my phone because she’s jealous of our friendship. She then showed me a demonstration of what will happen if I contact her again, with a photo she got from her Facebook, gasoline, and a match to “make sure we understand each other.” FML
Today, I went back to work after a nasty sinus infection. While I was talking to my manager, I sniffled, and a huge ropy string of green snot popped out of my nose. My manager pointed and shrieked, "OH MY GOD! EWWWW!", getting the attention of everyone in the office. FML
Today, my girlfriend won't stop complaining about the recent lack of intimacy in our relationship. There's an easy solution to this problem, but I'm currently covered in poison ivy rashes and she refuses to let me touch her until they clear up. Guess I'd better get used to itching and whining. FML
Today, I was in the middle of my workout when my cat meowed so loudly, it startled me into dropping a 50-pound weight onto my foot. FML
Today I knocked on one of my roommate's door and asked her to stop vacuuming since it's was late. She started to record me and went on a tirade about how none of the girls there respect her. She has previously tried to push two girls down the stairs. Her lease isn't up for 4 more months. FML
Today, I had to break up with my boyfriend because we’re not on the same page. He doesn’t want to get married or have kids because he “wants to enjoy his youth” and “you’re only young once, don’t waste it!” He’s 38. FML
Today, I asked my science teacher if he'd had my mom when she went to my high school. He took one look at me, glared, and said, "Oh yeah, I remember HER." I have that class every day the rest of the year. Thanks a lot, Mom. FML
Today, our dog is old and deaf, and has figured out she just needs to bark if she needs to be let inside. Unfortunately, she's also a bit senile, so sometimes she just barks for no reason, while lying still and quite comfortably on her dog bed, staring at nothing. FML
Today, I had to break off all contact with my toxic ex and my even more toxic adult daughter, for my mental health and suicidal urges. My elderly parents, who don’t think mental health is a thing, not only took their side, they’re taking me out of their will and putting my daughter in. FML
Today, my boyfriend trapped me in a corner of our apartment and kept making sounds that he knows cause me to become violently angry (I have misophonia). He wouldn't stop, even though I was practically begging him to, and now he's mad that I freaked out and broke his nose to get away from him. FML
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