The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Working conditions

Today, I'm sitting in a disgustingly hot office with all the windows thrown open. There is no fan, and the owner won't let us use the air conditioner. The smell of mold permeates the room from the ceiling, giving me headaches by the end of the day. The owner refuses to get someone in to clean it. I can't quit. FML

Denied

Today, the guy I've been dating online for the last year and who I'm madly in love with blocked me. FML

Today, I had to take my parents to the hospital after a failed attempt at a Kamasutra position. FML

Carry that weight

Today, I was getting up from sitting on the floor. I lent on the coffee table to help support my weight and heard a pop. I'd bruised the tendons in my wrist and now have to wear a wrist guard for 6 weeks. FML

Blue Christmas

Today, my mum told me she would rather spend Christmas with her boyfriend than with her own family. FML

It's not for everyone

Today, my fiancé had a nightmare and sat bolt upright in bed, claimed he had a nightmare where we were married, then his head hit the pillow and he was asleep again. That was his nightmare. Us being married. FML

It's not

Today, a guy I met online cancelled meeting me for the second time. The first time was because of work, and this time because of a game. I don't understand why was i even looking forward to meeting him, and I feel like it's all my fault. FML

Stingy

Today, I found out that my friends all think, "Don't worry about it" means "It's free." I'm a few thousand dollars in debt and they back each other like a gang. Never mind all the Aussies who say it means, "Pay slowly." FML

Worked out

Today, three days after receiving the vaccine, I was finally able to lift weights again. At the beginning of the workout, I broke my finger. Lifting weights is the one thing that keeps me from being depressed. FML

Time for a beer

Today, I tried making homemade bread, just for fun. My girlfriend started yelling that we had perfectly good bread from the store, "but noooo, my boyfriend just HAS to make his own bread!" She ended up ruining the experience, so I just threw the dough in the garbage and went to get drunk. FML

Heavy load

Today, I realized why my sister has had so many fluids coming out of her, yet I was sick too and nothing was coming out. It's because everything I ate in the past 72 hours was piling up in my ass, and just came out as a monster 5 times bigger than normal, and left my ass on fire for 45 minutes straight. FML

Bad omens all around

Today, I got into a accident at the dunes, rolling a Razor buggy. Last weekend, I sleepwalked and microwaved my phone. Last month, I gave myself third degree burns while curling my hair. I need to live in a bubble. FML

Isn't there someone you forgot to ask?

Today, I've come to the realization that my girlfriend's mini Australian Shepherd dictates everything, from a hug and kiss goodbye, to when we try to have sex. The worst part is she won't do anything about it. Looks like another night with the damn dog between us… FML

Nerves, dear?

Today, on my first date with a guy I really like, I threw up not once, not twice, but three times. FML

Snot machine

Today, I had to supervise my 9 year-old nephew taking a shower, because he won't wash with soap or shampoo unless someone makes him. Instead, he blows three-inch-long green and brown boogers out of his nose that dangle from his nostril. He's disgusting and hasn't even hit puberty yet. This is future of the world. FML

What do you want from me?

Today, after weeks of my girlfriend moaning that I never go anywhere, I went out with some friends. An hour in, she started blowing up my phone. When I answered it, she was screaming in rage because I wasn't home to cook dinner. FML

Dominion

Today, I told my boyfriend I was unsure of the future of our relationship, so he gave me a gigantic hickey to "show the world that I'm his." I work as a cashier and see people I know personally on a daily basis. FML

Next time, wait a couple of years

Today, my boyfriend met my parents, siblings, and some other family members. Thirty minutes later, he broke up with me and stormed out, yelling no way was he staying with me because they’re all fucking psychotic. He's my second boyfriend driven away by my family. FML

Bad sign

Today, my 24 year-old boyfriend said that he wanted to move out of our apartment, but also stay in a relationship. He's moving back in with his parents, over two hours away. FML.

Smart criminals

Today, I came out to find my truck window broken. They broke into my truck to yank out the stereo. It was unlocked the whole time. FML

My body hates me

Today, I was dumped once again, all because I had to cancel a date due to a fibromyalgia flare up that confined me to bed for a few days. This happens with every guy I get close to. I think I need to come to terms with the fact that I shouldn’t even bother dating, and that I’ll be alone with my cats forever. FML

GET ME THE MANAGER

Today, after a very long and stressful day at school, I had to go to work right after. There's no better way to start my shift than getting screamed at by a Karen. FML

Golden

Today, one of the dogs I’m walking stops to sniff something, then raises his leg to pee on it. The other dog, wanting to sniff that same spot, then goes and sticks his head right under his buddy’s raised leg. FML

She has a bright future in politics

Today, I learned that my "friend" told my other friends that I was homophobic, sexist, and racist. None of that is true and she's just trying to turn everyone against me for no reason. She has also apparently been talking BS behind my back. Worst part is I did nothing to her. I don't know what to do now. FML

Mystery unwanted gift

Today, I came back from school camp and really had to go to the toilet. I ran to the nearest one, which was by the principal's office. After I finished, I tried to flush the button. Turns out the water was turned off so it wouldn't flush. I bolted. The principal is now stuck with my unwanted present. FML

Worried?

Today, my grandmother gave me a long speech detailing how she was worried about my well-being, and told me that I could tell her anything. I tried to open up to her about my mental health issues, to which she responded, "Stop, I don't care, I'm not your therapist." I'm so confused. FML

**** McGee

Today, thanks to autocorrect on our new company laptops, I sent an email to all staff but when I signed my name, it autocorrected my surname to Nipple. FML

Time to skedaddle

Today, my boyfriend told me he wants to date other people, but still wants to be with me. He said, “Yes I want to be with you, but maybe we can both find better.” I found out he’s been texting another woman. FML

It's all too much

Today, I discovered that in addition to being an autistic HSP, I also suffer from misophonia, hyperacusis, and tinnitus. My audiologist has described me as having, "the worst case of abnormally sensitive hearing she has ever seen in her life." I rarely leave my house anymore. I wish I was deaf. FML

Dental records

Today, it's the sixth day in a row of non-stop migraines, due to grinding my teeth. Medicine works, but doesn't last. A mouth guard offers very little relief, I'm just so stressed out, and I think too much. FML