Today, I came home to my bed and most of my room soaking wet. This morning, my mom thought it would be "smart" to warm up my room by opening the skylight above my bed. There were heavy showers all day today. FML
Today, I found out that my older sister is sleeping with my adopted son. They both say it’s fine because he’s 22 and they’re not blood related, but I just can’t get over that she’s sleeping with my son, and is old enough to be his grandmother. FML
Today, my friend dragged me out of a movie because they swore a bit and there was drug use. Apparently, she's a Mormon now, and, "doesn't want her values compromised." This from the same girl who tried to get me to try crack a few weeks ago. FML
Today, we’ve had a rat problem in our house for a few weeks. Recently I hid a bottle of booze in my room so my parents wouldn’t see it. But my parents saw a rat in my room and tore the whole thing apart to find it, eventually finding my bottle instead. I was literally ratted out by a rat. FML
Today, my boyfriend of six years is in the hospital after having a stroke. While being transferred to another hospital, I came to our home to get his phone to call his family, but instead was treated to text messages and voicemails from his other girlfriends. At least 4 of them so far. FML
Today I was walking around the mall and I saw my crush from high school. He came up to me and, instead of talking to him, I burped, and he just walked away. FML
Today, I failed my driving test, and didn't get my great new job that a buddy helped me get. He got fired, and they won't hire me because he recommended me, regardless of how qualified for the job and how great the interview went. He called to tell me an hour before my driving test. FML
Today, my girlfriend offered to roleplay as a sexy nun, then dumped me, claiming my saying yes meant I was attacking her catholic faith and that I’m a sick, depraved criminal. She was the one who offered. I’m not remotely interested in roleplay, I only agreed cause I thought it was her kink. FML
Today, my stepfather woke me up at two in the morning just to tell me he bought a sandwich. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that his best friend of 10 years is giving him the silent treatment because he told her he's in a relationship. He's become a depressed wreck. When I asked him if he's secretly in love with her or something, he flipped a table over and told me to, "mind my own fucking business." FML
Today, my dad offered to make me lunch as it was my first day at a new school. Today was also the day I had to eat a penis-shaped sandwich in front of my new peers. FML
Today, we got on the plane for our honeymoon and her parents were on the same damn plane, going to the same spa resort, in the room next door, and my wife has the nerve to tell me it was a coincidence. How we supposed to get our sexy freak on, sharing a bedroom wall with her repressed mother? FML
Today, I got an email that my Amazon account was probably hacked, and they have gone ahead and canceled all orders that seemed suspicious. Two days ago I was celebrating that I'd finished Christmas shopping early. Never mind. FML
Today, I was feeling sick and ended up throwing up as soon as I got home. My mother's first question was an accusatory, "What have you been drinking?" I was returning from the AA meeting I have been attending for over a month. I go because I'm afraid I'll become an alcoholic like her. FML
Today, what I thought was food poisoning is actually a baby. FML
Today, my boyfriend snuck up behind me while I was naked and whispered in my ear to bend over. I thought this was a lead up to doggy style but nope, he slapped a waxing strip on my exposed bum hole and ran off yelling, “No more hairy hole! No more hairy hole!” FML
Today, both a coworker of mine and my boss agreed that I fit the profile of a serial killer. I don't know what's worse, the fact that they think that low of me, or the fact that this isn't the first time someone's said I remind them of a serial killer. FML
Today, after my ex broke up with me, I threw out all the clothes he’d bought me before, which was basically my entire wardrobe. Anyway, this creepy guy who lives a few blocks away seems to be wearing my old clothes and waves my bras and panties at me. It’s gross and creepy. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he insists I bit his penis during sex, and that I'm a crazy, man-hating psycho. It’s not true, I’ve just not given many blowjobs before, my technique stinks, and my teeth touched his skin a little. FML
Today, I discovered that every time my period ends, I queef loudly and uncontrollably. I’m literally too embarrassed to see a doctor about this. FML
Today, I thought our CEO had clearly stated that I will only be focusing on my job, and all other stuff will not be my problem. Apparently, I was wrong, because I still get blamed for all the other departments' mistakes, even though I don't manage them. He does. FML
Today, the new heart medication I take makes it hard for me to get an erection. It also gives me gas. My wife is getting sick of me farting when we're finally able to screw. FML
Today, after spending 5+ hours of my life painting a portrait of someone's cat for them, I finally finished it, perfect condition, no mistakes. I was supposed to be paid 300 bucks for it. Got 50 bucks because it was too "vibrant." FML
Today, I finished a full marathon and just wanted to relax and get pampered by my husband afterwards. Instead, I spent the evening taking care of him and his back because he had a spasm. Don't worry, he feels much better now. Meanwhile, I can’t move my legs. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about sex and I asked him if he had ever finished inside a woman. He looked directly into my eyes and said, "Babe... I have a son, remember?" Yeah, I forgot. FML
Today, a 100-foot maple tree fell on my house. I was inside. I was sleeping. FML
Today, I've been trapped at home for almost two months because of the epidemic. Now I'm thrilled just to get to go outside to throw garbage away, as if I'm going on a trip. FML
Today, my mom called, crying that my sister had dropped her kids off on my mom’s doorstep with no intention of coming back for them. I called and screamed at my sister, who then called my brother, who screamed at me for making my sister cry. All of this because her new boyfriend doesn’t like her kids. FML
Today, I got to a patient having a seizure and was approached by a bystander who said to me, "I have pharmaceutical grade essential oils, and they recommend Frankincense for seizures." Thank you? FML
Today, I maxed out my credit card trying to help a friend of over 19 years to go see her family for Christmas, only to find out she changed her mind and doesn’t really want to go. I can’t return the bus tickets, and she’s mad at me. FML
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