Today, I caught up with a good friend and he let me rant about my sexless marriage. He was really understanding and supportive. I got home and he sent me 5 pictures of his wife in a small bikini, saying, “Guess who doesn’t have your problems?” FML
Today, I was masturbating in my bedroom, when suddenly, my mom opened the door and walked in with guests. I didn't react quick enough. FML
Today, a co-worker, who lives 30 minutes out of my way, had broken down so I picked him up. We were both 5 minutes late and both got fired. Our department takes 30-60 minutes to even start running. FML
Today, my sweet, nonviolent boyfriend found out my daughter's asshole boyfriend had hit her, so he rugby-tackled him so hard, it ripped the door right out of the frame and into the garden. I never knew he had it in him, so I'm proud, but now we've got to fix the door. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend to a festival. The very first thing we saw when we got there was a guy being wheeled away by paramedics. She freaked out and demanded we leave. FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend oral, and he got so into it that he grabbed my hair. Just as he was about to climax, he pulled my hair so hard that my extensions came out. I jerked back and hit my head on the wall behind me. He then came in my hair. FML
Today, I had to make the heartbreaking decision to break up with my boyfriend and kick him out after his second relapse. A few hours later, I had police banging down my door. To get back at me, my now ex had called the cops and anonymously reported all the drugs he’d hidden around my house. FML
Today, I found out my "wonderful" boyfriend was recently dumped by another woman, not just after he started stalking her, but after he wrote her a love letter in his own blood. FML
Today, I reached my exam center late after taking the wrong metro twice, only to find out that I forgot my calculator at home. FML
Today, I had a garage sale and sold some books I don't read anymore. A woman came up and yelled at me, saying I'd stolen one of the books from her house. I later found out that it was a distraction so that her boyfriend could steal my TV. FML
Today, after over a dozen separate blood tests, my doctor told me conclusively that my results are perfectly normal for a middle-aged woman in the early stages of pregnancy. Problem is, I’m a 24-year-old guy, so my doctor is very concerned. FML
Today, I was swimming at the beach. At the end of the day, I felt a huge hard lump in between my toes. When I looked closer and pushed on it, it sounded and felt exactly like a bean bag. I had a blister from the day before and it had filled with sand. I had to cut it open to pour the sand out. FML
Today, I got rejected from participating in a depression study that provides free medication, for not already being on antidepressants. That's because I can't afford health insurance or medication, which is why I applied to the study. FML
Today, on the one-year anniversary of my best friend committing suicide, my boyfriend of 2 years decides to dump me because he wants to focus on his skateboarding career. He doesn't even know how to skateboard. FML
Today, I realized the only real accomplishment I've had in my life that I take any pride in is that I've had an FML published. FML
Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend showed up at my new job to, "Keep an eye on me." The same ex-girlfriend who has been stalking me since we broke up. Two years ago. FML
Today, my son was looking through old photos and showed me a picture of myself and asked who it was. When I told him it was me, he responded by saying "But mommy, the lady in the picture is not fat!" FML
Today, I went to pick up a pizza with my kids for an easy dinner. As soon as I opened my mouth to order, the 2-year-old in my arms vomited into it. FML
Today, my cat peed on the kitchen floor. As I went to get the mop, I slipped on the puddle not once, not twice, but three times. In quick succession. FML
Today, I shaved off half of my right eyebrow by accident. It still looks better than my left eyebrow. FML
Today, I finally got my paycheck that I could enjoy $300 for myself after taking care of my bills with so many other ones. Then, I find out that the water was shut off, which is supposed to be my roommate's responsibility. Apparently, he has not paid it in months, and they want $288. FML
Today, I found out that my mom paints, and that I was artistically represented in a painting, as Satan, in a painting made shortly after I told her that I was an atheist. FML
Today, my date left the restaurant because I didn’t agree with his opinions about the mentally disabled or mixed race couples, etc. Basically, a real scumbag. He also left me the bill, and it turned out he had all the most expensive menu items, including a £120 bottle of wine. It cost over £300 total. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were finally able to settle on having a day out together after putting it off for months because of work/other random reasons. This morning I woke up with the worst case of diarrhea I’ve ever had in my life. I won’t be leaving the bathroom anytime soon. FML
Today, my husband was changing our son’s overflowing diaper. Instead of getting up and walking the putrid mess to the bin, he decided to shoot it basketball-style. He missed and it hit the wall, sliding down leaving a huge sloppy streak. He expected me to clean it. FML
Today, my violent geriatric patient was trying to escape the facility. When I intervened, she poked my belly then told me I was squishy and that I might explode. FML
Today, my brother came up with what he thought was a genius idea for how to make money. I then had to explain to him that insurance fraud is illegal. FML
Today, my mum put up a sticky fly trap to try get rid of our fly problem. My phone started ringing and I jogged to answer it, but my hair got stuck in the trap. My mum had to pull my hair out of the sticky mess and pick dead fly bodies out of my hair. FML
Today, a bird took a dump on my truck as I was driving and the wind pushed it into the keyhole. FML
Today, I sat down to do my taxes. As I was going over my forms, I found my employer only took $1.72 out the entire year for my Federal Income Taxes. I now owe the IRS over $500 that I don't have. FML
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