Today my mom, bored lover of games and mysteries, bragged about outsmarting scammers by burning all the post and gifts they have been sending her. For a special birthday / Christmas, I'd splurged on an expensive, interactive mystery game where you are mailed clues over the course of 6 months. FML
Today, while I was showering, a dark object in the shower kept startling me. After about the fourth time jumping, I realized it was my shadow that was scaring me. I am actually literally afraid of my own shadow. FML
Today, a few weeks after moving back to my home country, I found out my diploma isn't recognized here. The only training provider I can find that can upgrade it to something valid wants another 2 years of my life, 500 hours of work experience and $16,000. FML
Today, I got a new smartphone and wanted to surprise my girlfriend with a naughty picture with it. A few minutes after sending it, I got a reply back from my girlfriend. And my best friend. And my sister. And everyone on my contacts list. FML
Today, daylight savings is on the way. Two years ago, I planned to propose right before the time change, all to have an extra hour of "the best day of my life". Now I have an extra hour to remember how distinctly single I still am and how awful she was. FML
TheSadPupper tells us more.
OP here, made a new account just to respond. Been on this site for years and this is my first submission so at least I'm batting 1.000 on FMLs huh? Clarifications: The idea stemmed from a party I hosted the year prior as a post Halloween party. Didn't even realize it was Daylights Savings and when it was in full swing we realized we had a whole extra hour. We referred to it as the "Critical Hit" of party hosting. We had been together for 2+ years before the break up and it was HER that was trying to push for marriage after the first year. Like, in retrospect some really manipulative stuff about how she shouldn't have to jump through hoops and prove herself to me if I really loved her, and that she KNEW I was the one. I wanted to take my time and live together first, but I was head over heels for this girl. Finally around the two year mark I felt that I knew her well enough and felt like I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Clearly I was misguided. She broke up with me about 3 weeks before my proposal plan. Had to get my money back I had put down on an engagement ring ($1000 on $10K). That trip to the Jewelry store was not fun, but the workers there were super super gracious. I blamed myself for the longest time for driving her away and was an absolute mess for over a year. I'm.... a bit better now. I found out much later after the break up that she had cheated on me (that's a whole other crazy story), and that she lied to me about some CRITICALLY IMPORTANT information. And that she was already seeing someone else when we hooked back up about 4 months after our breakup. Her absolute lack of care for fidelity really got me when I found out she cheated on some other guy with me without my knowing. I actually like the interactions with OPs on this site so I'll try to be as open as possible.
Today, after a fire alarm went off, everyone was going back into the building. I had never gone up the stairs before because I live on the 9th floor. As everybody was going back inside, I followed some guys right into their suite on the 1st floor, thinking it was the way to the stairs. FML
Today, I set my car's speed to 125km/h to pass the speed camera announced by a road sign. Sure of myself, for a laugh I flipped the bird as I went by. When the flash went off, I realised that the speed limit was 110 km/h, not the usual 130 km/h. FML
Today, I climbed to the top of the tallest building in my city with this guy I really like. He spotted the girl he had a crush on, and wouldn't shut up about her for the rest of the night. FML
Today, on a plane I was showing my brother the life-jackets kept under the seat. After pulling on what I thought was the life-jacket, I then realized that they were kept in the arm rest to my right, and for the last five minutes I had been pulling on the foot of the man who was sitting behind me. FML
Today, as usual, I got to my internship early, did everything my bosses asked. At the end of the day, I was fired after 3 weeks of working unpaid overtime because they found an applicant with more experience for the job I applied to and they wanted to cut costs. FML
Today, the cat climbed up to the spice shelf while I was cooking. As I looked up and told him to leave, he tipped over a chili container which coated my face with chili powder. The bloody pain in my eyes then made me knock over a pot of boiling water. FML
Today, at work, my manager fell in front of an entire lobby full of people on a wet floor. I'm the only one who burst out laughing. Turns out she has a broken arm. FML
Today, my cute co-worker asked if he could use my computer. I told him my password and went to the bathroom. When I came back he said he'd finished. I tried to log in, but my password wouldn't work. I then noticed a Post-it note on the desk saying, "Stop stalking me and I'll change the password back." FML
Today, I found out my landlord has bought himself a new boat. He refuses to turn up the heating to save money. I'm freezing. FML
Today, when I went to work, my nice coworker gave me a gift basket. And cookies. I had to tell him that I caught his kid keying my car last night. FML
Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML
Today, I shaved my legs for the first time in three weeks. It took half an hour, three disposable razors, and I cut my legs up so badly they look worse then they did when they were hairy. FML
Today, I decided to have a hot cup of coffee. Then I stumbled on a chair and somehow spilled the hot liquid on my privates. The searing pain worked better to wake me up than the coffee itself. FML
Today, a bunch of guys at work chased me down a corridor with a Febreze spray for smelling like I'd been "sleeping in a hollowed-out horse's carcass" and having "the personal hygiene of a billy goat." FML
Today, to impress my friends, I attempted to do a back flip. The only one impressed was the doctor who set my broken leg. FML
Today, I drunkenly hooked up with my friend's cousin. After trying to stick his finger up my butt, he blacked out on top of me with his penis still hard inside me. I tried yelling his name and pushing him off, with no success. I ended up having to call my friend to help me. FML
lendahandmanda tells us more.
Not only was he a pretty muscular guy, but his arms were pinning mine down to a point, and i had no leverage laying in the position I was in. To those of you saying I should have just waited til he woke up, he was sort of choking me, his head was under my chin pressed against my neck, and I felt like I was being suffocated, and his body on top of mine was making it difficult for me to breathe. It might have just been anxiety though. I probably could have stuck through it.
Today, I pulled up to the stoplight near my house. It was dark with no traffic and the car behind me kept edging closer and closer to me. I finally got fed up with waiting and the car and ran it. In fact, it was a cop and he was trying to read my license plate because the back light was out. FML
Today, my math TA showed the class how one of her "dumb" students answered a test question. Everyone laughed as she wrote out the students answer, including myself, until I looked down at my answer sheet and saw that I submitted an identical answer. FML
Today, I tried to get my son off of the couch by turning off the wifi. Afterward, I went to watch tv. Turns out he got me back by turning off the cable. FML
Today, I found out that my son thinks it's acceptable to use words like "on fleek" in high school level essays. FML
Today, I noticed a cute girl in the checkout lane at the store. Feeling a little flirtatious, I decided to blow a bubble with my gum to get her attention. I accidentally shot the gum out of my mouth onto the guy next to me, spitting all over myself in the process. FML
Today, a doctor examined my wrist, which is completely swollen and painful. He diagnosed a case of tendonitis and asked me, "Do you use this hand for a particular sort of sport?" I just smiled like a twit. FML
Today, I was supposed to talk to my girlfriend's mom to ask permission to date her daughter but I chickened out. We've been together for almost a year, but have not been on a real date because I am too damn scared of her family. FML
Today, I thought I was being a good worker by showing a mother and daughter several rooms before they settled on one. Turns out Mommy dearest only wanted a place for her brat to throw a party. The cops found alcohol, drugs, and guns. This from the people who complained about a loose chair arm. FML
naivemisanthrope tells us more.
Hi, OP here. I thought this was pretty straightforward, but since at less 111 people so far say otherwise. . . I work at a hotel. (Why would I be showing rooms of a house, much less mine?) We were slammed because of some game, and I was working 3-11, the busiest shift. This woman and her daughter came in, had a reservation for a double. They wanted to inspect the room first. I was busy, so I gave them a key and said I'd be by to check on them in 5 minutes. When I got to the room, they said they didn't like it. So I took them to pretty damn near every unoccupied double on the property, except the one already reserved for a regular. I did this because I had been told my customer service needs work. (And it does. I hate people. Hence the Misanthrope' part of my name.) So after finding something wrong with every room, they decided that they would go for the first room. Then, after I got them checked in, they came down an hour later to complain about a loose arm on the desk chair and asked to take a second look at another room. I practiced my robot-assassin smile and obliged. They decided not to move. I figured they would cause trouble, but the "this place is terrible, I want my money back, here's a bad review" trouble. Imagine my surprise when I showed up the next afternoon to learn that there had been a party, a fight, and a stabbing. The mother had rented her daughter a room for a party, and there was all kinds of illegal shit going on. A bunch of middle-class kids decided to play Fallout Raiders, I suppose. And the topper? They were locals. My hotel charges a steep deposit to locals to prevent just this. The mom had a fake ID from Florida, which means she knew about the policy and wanted to get around it. And this was after signing the paperwork with NO PARTIES in all caps, underlined, with the threat of fees and police. I had always thought the deposit policy was unfair--still do. But I see how it came to be. So, Ms. Cool Mom and Miss Brat wasted my time, wrecked a room, got fined, drove the deposit up even higher, and are facing legal charges. My only consolation is that they're worse off than I am. Every time I think I've encountered the worst of humanity, they surprise me (hence the 'naive' moniker). Oh, and the chair arm was never apprehended.
Today, I was driving down a highway during rush-hour. I heard my phone ring and couldn't find it. I bent down to feel around for it and got in an accident and totaled my car. The ringing? A commercial on the radio. Where was my phone? On my dresser at home. FML
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