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Keep it down

By lukas - 11/01/2014 00:24 - Canada - Lyndhurst

Spicy

Today, my new neighbor asked if I could keep my dog from yapping during the evenings, because it kept him awake last night. I don't have a dog, but I apologized anyway. I didn't have the heart to admit that those are the sounds my girlfriend makes during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 078

You deserved it 8 503

Full support

By Anonymous - 15/03/2010 23:42 - Canada

Today, I told my parents I wanted to try modelling. I thought that since I have such a low self-esteem, that it might benefit me, and make me feel better about myself and how I look. The first thing out of my dad's mouth was, "What? Why? You're ugly." Thanks dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 237

You deserved it 7 510

Capitalism kills

By malicemassacre - 21/03/2020 15:00

Today, the county I live in is quarantined. My boss announced that, "We keep working until the government says they will shoot us if we leave the house.” We work in a call center. Not essential at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 038

You deserved it 243

Stay away from us!

By KingSnow03 - 31/03/2020 20:00

Today, because I have a coughed a total of 2 times in a row, I'm now banned from seeing any of my family until I get tested for coronavirus. The earliest available appointment is May 3rd. Looks like quarantine is going to be a lot worse than I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 715

You deserved it 245

I've had even enough

By nobabies - 14/10/2022 06:00

Today, I started my period. Unfortunately, my last period only ended six days ago. PCOS sucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 018

You deserved it 106

Quid pro quo

By quarantine hell - 31/03/2020 17:00

Today, I called my sister and asked if she could watch my baby while I went to the store for desperately needed groceries and supplies. She refused, despite the fact that she's randomly dropped off her three rambunctious boys more times than I could count so she could go clubbing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 100

You deserved it 292

By LA - 17/02/2009 01:31 - United States

Today, at physical therapy, the girl next to me had a blue armband. I said, "Hey, sweet iPod". She said, "Actually, I have diabetes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 378

You deserved it 41 671

SHUT UP

By Anonymous - 11/03/2010 15:24 - United Kingdom

Today, my extremely loud and nocturnal flatmate phoned me to tell me excitedly that he got an accordion for his birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 300

You deserved it 2 774

Fridge fight

By kb. - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out how it feels when a refrigerator door unhinges and falls on your toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 759

You deserved it 2 518

Gagging for it

By Anonymous - 24/02/2024 20:00 - Greece - Athens

Spicy

Today, I thought I knew what sexual frustration was in my teens, but that was nothing compared to a (due to circumstances, but still) sexless married life, in a shitty economy. I'm so tense, I could tear down a wall with my bare hands right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 464

You deserved it 173

By Maddy - 10/03/2010 08:00 - United States

Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend for taking me for granted and being such a jerk. He didn't even show up for our date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 175

You deserved it 5 003

Shifting

By Anonymous - 02/08/2021 14:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Today, my mom is trying to be quiet, thinking me asleep. This means she will whisper to the dogs in the upstairs hallway, then quietly go downstairs where she will bang the doors so hard that the house shakes. Apparently, she thinks each floor is in its own separate dimension. FML

I agree, your life sucks 875

You deserved it 121

Conjunctivitis

By Anonymous - 26/10/2022 22:00

Today, after my naked husband farted in my face because he’s an immature man child who refuses to act his age, this morning I woke up with raging pink eye. I’m half blind and I’m supposed to be taking my driving test this afternoon. I can’t see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 219

You deserved it 245

By moronforadad - 05/01/2013 02:04 - United Kingdom - Carshalton

Today, during dinner, my mum asked why I've been so upset recently, so I just admitted it was because my girlfriend had cheated on me. At some point during my venting, I asked why this stuff always seems to happen to me. My dad looked up from his plate and said, "Probably karma." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 820

You deserved it 6 463

By foreverafatty - 31/03/2011 05:49 - United States

Today, I learned that I can work out for over an hour a day, cut my daily calories by almost half, keep careful track of my diet, drink nothing but water, and not lose a pound. But I can sure as hell gain weight after one dinner at a buffet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 726

You deserved it 15 876

One Day…

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Australia - Gosford

Today, I paused the movie my girlfriend and I were watching and told her, for the first time, that I loved her. Her response was to stare at me silently for a few seconds before unpausing the film. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 754

You deserved it 7 228

Red flag

By Anonymous - 29/10/2022 06:00

Today, I have a broken nose because my girlfriend saw I got a text from a woman called Gemma. Gemma is the name of my ex, so she smashed me in the face with a full cereal bowl. Funny thing, Gemma is also the name of my boss, who was texting me about a work thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 615

You deserved it 165

The talk

By airplanes-suck - 21/08/2009 00:20 - United States

Today, I went on a plane and was sitting next to a mom with her 12-year-oldish daughter. Apparently, they decided to have "The talk." On the plane, right next to me. I heard everything, and actually learned new things. I'm 35. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 347

You deserved it 6 691

Deal with it

By tough love - 01/11/2022 04:00

Today, my son came running in, saying he had a project due tomorrow. I asked when it was assigned; he said two weeks ago. I refused to help, saying that he failed to act responsibly and had to live with the consequences. Now he's throwing a tantrum and my wife is screaming at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 838

You deserved it 259

By Dani - 24/01/2012 05:23 - Australia

Today, I tried to take a piss in the woods, but ended up peeing all over my feet. I still had to hike another five hours in wet shoes. My boyfriend's only comment was, "At least you didn't wet your pants." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 342

You deserved it 26 765

By Ramis182 - 16/12/2013 08:52 - United States - Auburn

Today, I thought it would be to a good idea to introduce my indoor cat to my dog. The pee stains, multiple scratches, and puncture wounds to my face prove otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 009

You deserved it 10 225

By ohman - 28/12/2012 03:06 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Spicy

Today, after having sex for the first time with my girlfriend, I realised I was in love with her. I noticed she had an eyelash on her breast. After tugging it a few times I realised it was actually a single black nipple hair. She was so embarrassed, she kicked me out and now won't return my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 439

You deserved it 27 422

Slam the brakes

By wrecked - 23/01/2012 01:52 - United States

Today, I totaled my car, because I mistook the leaves blowing across the road for a child. I swerved and hit a tree. The home owner wants to sue for "harming his tree" and hospital wants to test my mental stability. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 826

You deserved it 6 656

Dat ass

By brandonborgie - 10/08/2021 04:01 - Australia

Today, my boss slapped me on the ass and said, "Good work, princess." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 296

You deserved it 135

By biomajor - 07/02/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I was talking to a guy at the bar and I told him I was a biology major. He promptly said, "NEXT" and moved on to the girl next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 321

You deserved it 3 592

By ashsaunde - 08/12/2013 06:58 - United States - Denver

Today, I got to spend all of my time scrubbing poop off the walls and carpet because my 2-year-old decided he wanted to 'paint mama a picture.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 918

You deserved it 5 184

ashsaunde tells us more.

ashsaunde 13

Sunday 8 December 2013 20:40

Hey OP here! First off, thanks for publishing this. It's the first one I've ever submitted. Secondly, yes he was finger painting with it as well as wiping his butt on everything in his room. We're in the middle of potty training so he thought he was helping by cleaning himself off. I also had to clean him and all of his stuffed animals up because he got it EVERYWHERE. Yes, he did get punished in an appropriate way because he's not gonna know it was wrong unless I teach him. And to the comment that I said I need to watch him better, it was while he was napping in his room. Any parent knows you can't watch your kids constantly.

By Cathy - 17/01/2012 00:33 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out why I find damp spots on my favorite jacket. I appears that my dog often becomes very intimate with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 825

You deserved it 3 440

By notthedad - 15/03/2011 15:50 - China

Today, I got a call from my long distance girlfriend. She's about a month pregnant. I haven't seen her in person for six months, but she still insists it's mine. I don't know which would be worse: her lying or her being that stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 529

You deserved it 5 648

Bitch move

By Ineedtoshutup - 19/08/2021 16:01

Today, I went to the movies with this guy I'd started dating. During the movie, I thought it would be cool and funny to make sarcastic comments. When he dropped me off home, he told me that it was the worst date ever and to not talk to him again for being "annoying and obnoxious." FML

I agree, your life sucks 250

You deserved it 2 378

Stalker or coincidence?

By Jenny - 08/05/2020 05:00

Today, I went grocery shopping at the store near my house. Upon checking out, I look up to see that my cashier is none other than the woman I went on a date with a few months ago, and whose calls and texts I ignored after she began to obsess over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 450

You deserved it 728

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The Top

The Top

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. This was after I saved several paychecks to afford to give her a weekend away for her birthday. Why did she end things so quick? Because apparently I'm balding faster than her Dad. I'm 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 589

You deserved it 2 667

Today, I woke up in my boyfriend's dorm and decided to take a shower before he woke up. I used the girls bathroom on the above floor, and afterwards just threw on a towel and ran to the elevator. I forgot to press my boyfriend's floor and I was taken to the lobby in a towel. People were waiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 064

You deserved it 32 349

Today, I spent the first day of my senior year in the ER because my new ear piercing got so infected that the doctors had to cut the earring out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 759

You deserved it 970

Today, I was trying to sleep when I saw a head looming from the darkness with no eyes and a mouth open like a silent scream. I just froze and pissed myself. It was my daughter wanting to cuddle with us. Alas, the bed was wet, so she got put back in her bed, while we had to share the sofa downstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 345

You deserved it 280

Today, I was at a wedding and leaned over to whisper to my friend, “Wow, this is the cheapest-looking cake I’ve ever seen.” The bride was right behind me holding the cake knife. She heard every word. Luckily, she didn't stab me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70

You deserved it 835

Today, I moved into a new place. I wanted to be a good neighbor so I baked banana bread and knocked on the door across the hall. The woman looked terrified, said “No thank you,” and closed the door. Building security later asked why I was “soliciting food.” Turns out there’s been a string of fake delivery scams in the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 392

You deserved it 66