Today, my boyfriend and I watched Star Trek Into Darkness together. He liked it so much that he's now chosen to yell "KHAAANNNNN!" as he cums. FML
Today, I was driving on the freeway when I get a call from my friend explaining that our two best friends died in a car accident. I pulled over in hysterics and a cop came to see what was wrong. I explained what happened and he gave me a ticket for talking on the phone while driving. FML
Today, my mother-in-law moved in because she has a hip problem. I don't know what's worse, her constant complaining and slob like tendencies, or the eight cats she brought along with her. FML
Today, my fiancée told me about her new diet. Apparently, she is only going to drink water and tan in a tanning bed so she can photosynthesise. She thinks this will help her lose weight, since she doesn't have to eat anything. I'm dating a dumbass. FML
lucas90 tells us more.
lucas90 2
Hey, I'm the OP! In all fairness, she and her friends were wasted, and I was the designated driver. She didn't remember any of this the next day, and actually found it quite funny. She's not dumb. Sorry to dissapoint you. And to the people that pointed out my typo - yes I'm MARRYING a her. English isn't my first language and I was exhausted when I wrote this. :)
Today, I was waitressing for a huge family. Their bill was $750. Excited about the tip, I was shocked to see only $0.50. As they were leaving, I threw the two whole quarters at their heads. Guess who also got fired today. FML
Today, my husband and I got into a huge argument. He called me wasteful for throwing out old food. He insisted that you can simply pick the mold off and the food was perfectly fine. He’s going to kill our kids. FML
Today, in the middle of sex with my boyfriend, my visiting brother knocked on the door saying he'd want to hear the details later. My boyfriend said, "Sure", and kept going. FML
Today, my dad wants a divorce. I can either stay with my wine-loving mom or move 300 km away with my dad. FML
Today, after three days of getting stared at by my neighbour from the window, I realized that she wasn't alive anymore. FML
Today, I had to lie to my therapist about my sex life to make myself feel better. FML
Today, I started training my replacement for my job. My replacement already makes more money per hour than I do. FML
MySonshine7 tells us more.
MySonshine7 13
OP here. I'll start by saying I'm leaving tis job voluntarily. I'm moving to a new town, I'll actually be making more at my new job. I have no hard feelings towards my current company. They even offered to pay me more to get me to stay, but sadly they don't have a branch in the town I'm moving too. To be clear this is a manager position I worked up too and they decided to raise the starting pay of my job after they started looking for someone. Apparently they think if the pay is good enough they might get someone as close to how good I am. So I took that As a compliment, I don't plan on screwing the new girl over. I just find it funny they wait until they are losing me to finally listen to me about how my department is under appreciated. I do wish them all the best though, they are making some great strides to being better. Sorry for the long response!
Today, my boss requested that I re-organize every file in the office, because she wanted the filing cabinets alphabetized right to left, not left to right. To thank me, she came into my office to give me one uncooked ear of corn. I think my boss has mistaken me for some kind of farm animal. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. My phone started ringing and it was my Mom, she said I could answer it. As I answered the phone my girlfriend started playing with my dick. I moaned. Loud. FML
Today, my employer gave me a gift to celebrate the one-year anniversary of my hire date. It would have been a really nice gesture if they weren't laying me off at the end of the month. FML
Today, my teenage daughter asked me how old I was when I lost my virginity. I sarcastically replied that I'm still a virgin. She looked at me blankly and said, "Jeez, no wonder you're so uptight. You need to get laid, mom." FML
Today, my 6-year-old son asked me what a "sex toy" was. Not really knowing what to tell him, I said it was a game. He's asked for one for Christmas. FML
Today, while out with my boyfriend, I gave a beggar some cash, who then smiled at me and said to my boyfriend, "You have a beautiful little lady, take good care of her." Flattered, I hoped my boyfriend would agree with the compliment. He turned and said, "Hear that? He said you were little." FML
Today, my 8-year-old daughter was throwing a tantrum, and I said "Keep this up and I'll tell Santa to take your presents back." She told me I don't even know Santa, at which point I accidentally blurted that I'm "Santa". FML
Today, I'm still learning how to drive stick. I went to pick up my son from school and stalled out during high traffic. The crossing guard had to rescue me by getting in my car and pull it out of the flow of traffic. FML
WhataStrangeTripThisIs tells us more.
OP here! I got the car as a Christmas present from my fiance. My previous car was totaled by an ex (intentionally, another FML) and I'm a poor single mom, so I didn't have much choice except to learn how to drive it asap or walk. I was doing fairly well, but was in a line of cars on a hill, with the car behind me a few inches off my bumper. The First and Reverse are right next to each other, and in a panic, I couldn't figure out if I was in Reverse. On a hill you have to really hit the gas or you roll back. I couldn't tell which gear I was in, so the choice was not hit the gas hard enough and roll into the car behind me, or maybe accidentally in R and floor it into the car behind me. Had a blank moment of panic. The crossing guard was a sweetheart and pulled my car out for me so I could take a few breaths. Then cheered me on when I recovered and peeled out! P.S. This does not make me just another stupid American.
Today, my stepdaughter proudly showed off her new tattoo. It says "Jace’s place" in sloppy script on her lower belly. She’s 15. Jace is a boy she’s been seeing for 3 months. She got the tattoo in "some guy’s garage." It happened during her weekend visit with her father. Hello teenage rebellion. FML
Today, I found out where my favorite shirt has been for the last six months. My ex-fiancé's new girlfriend is wearing it. FML
chasesd tells us more.
The situation is a bit more in depth... maybe this little addition might clear it up some. She knows it's mine, because when I was living with him, towards the end of the relationship, she had become a pseudo roommate. This'll probably up the "you deserve it" and ah well. The shirt is my favorite for the reason that it was only available at a particular booth at the San Diego Comic-con. After the end of the relationship I had literally only one day to pack for a flight, which I had to get at the last minute (we live in Oregon, my family is in California). The apartment just wasn't organized or easy to find everything that I had there. To allow myself to get over the breakup I hadn't kept contact and of course was distracted with finding a job and getting back to normalcy that when I finally got back into contact with him, and when I finally realized that the shirt was missing, there was a conveniently posted facebook photo of his new gal and him. The shirt is unmistakable, as, like I said, it's not widely available. Oh, and I rocked that shirt like no other, the new girl looks like a reject Sinead O'Connor with man hands; why on Earth would my favorite shirt look hideous on me?
Today, when I came home from work, I saw my wife in nothing but black boots and a Santa hat. My boss and coworker were with me. I now have guys wanting to have a threesome with us. FML
Today, I found out why the girl I like won't give me the time of day. Apparently, I called her ugly and pushed her into a puddle when we were in kindergarten. FML
Today, my boyfriend bought me a voice personalized Build-a-Bear. I thought he was going to propose to me through it, only to press the foot of the bear and hear, "We should break up" instead. FML
Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me a blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. Hard. FML
Today, my boyfriend picked me up to come spend the night at his house, and on the way he started pulling over to get some condoms. I told him no need, I was on my period. He turned the car around and took me home. FML
Today, my parents told me that they think I've gone off the deep end. I don't drink or take drugs. What did I do? I got McDonald's a couple of times after school. FML
Today, I was getting my first tattoo done. My parents told me it was a bad idea. My friends' parents told me it was a bad idea. I told them that people get tattoos done all the time and nothing goes wrong. Fifty minutes into the tattoo on my back, the artist said, "Oh shit, shit, shit. We can fix this." FML
Today, I was on my way home when I saw a cop hiding behind a Budget truck. I immediately slowed down and prayed that he wouldn't give me a ticket. Then I realized I was walking. FML
Today, I overheard my husband telling my step-dad that I have the same ability to sniff out chocolate in a house as a certain animal has to find truffles in the woods. FML
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