Today, I found a pair of glasses in my car. I don't wear glasses, and nobody besides myself has been in my car lately. It appears that someone has been sleeping in my car and forgot their glasses. FML
Today, somewhere between home and work, my glasses vanished off my face. I know I had them on before I set off because I cleaned them in the car and put them on, then halfway to work I suddenly had to squint to see because glasses gone. I’ve been searching for an hour, they are nowhere. HOW? FML
Today, I'm horribly out of shape. My arms are sore, almost like I'd been doing heavy lifting yesterday. Nope. It just was from squeezing cupcake icing out of a tube. FML
RyoKioKio tells us more.
First off, you guys have genuinely made me laugh, even the less than kind comments have been hilarious. To clarify: the tube of icing in question was snagged from a discount bin because the decorating tip was broken, and an improvised opening with a knife was required. I didn't gouge a hole in it because I was spelling something out and I didn't feel like getting icing everywhere. In regards to my weight, I'm honestly not that athletic, I am a bit on the plush side, and yes, I do need to work out more (I go on daily walks around the neighborhood with my dog as a start). Baby steps, right?
Today, I came out to find my truck window broken. They broke into my truck to yank out the stereo. It was unlocked the whole time. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I felt sick. He told me to describe the symptoms I had. With every new symptom I described, he took a step back. FML
Today, I couldn't move without people talking to me about the "Royal Baby". It's like it's actually going to have an effect on my life. FML
Today, days before my graduation, I got sick with a virus, so I had constant vomit and incontinence. To receive my diploma, I had to wear a diaper and spend the whole graduation drinking electrolytes. FML
Today, I got a notification that a package had been delivered. I opened my door and saw it on at doorstep. I was expecting one, so I grabbed and opened it, then realized it wasn’t mine, but my neighbor’s. I had to awkwardly re-tape it, then sneak over and leave the disturbing contents of the box on their porch before they noticed. FML
Today, I went to see my boyfriend with the intention of breaking up with him. Instead I discovered that he lost his job today and has to move back in with his parents. I can't bring myself to dump someone who's already crying about his horrible day. Now I have to comfort my soon-to-be ex. FML
Today, I discovered that the actress who played a girl I have a crush on faked her résumé. Not only that, but she wasn’t even interested in acting, she just wanted a job. And boom, she also voted for Trump. And I STILL have a crush on her character. FML
Today, a customer ordered the spicy shrimp ramen bowl. The menu says spicy, I warned her it was spicy, it’s in the fucking title SPICY SHRIMP RAMEN! Despite all of this, instead of ordering something different, the stupid fucking Karen sent her order back four times because it was too hot. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend can't swim and we are about to go on a romantic holiday to Zanzibar where all our excursions include water-based activities. His solution is that I just go do them all by myself. FML
Today, my aunt vented her anger on us for no reason, and her words really cut like a knife. I always pray that someday I'll have a home that I can call my own, where I can lay my head and heart. FML
Today, my husband saw my vagina for the first time since I gave birth. I know it’s changed down there, and I may not have shaved, but I wasn’t expecting, “Oh my damn, that’s way different.” He wasn’t being mean, he’s too nice to be mean, but “Oh my damn” felt unnecessary. FML
Today, I had to sit in silence at a restaurant table as my friends ripped into the Tesla Cybertruck and laughed about how "shit and cringe" it is. I was silent because I couldn't bring myself to defend it, even though I think they're pretty cool, and I actually want one. FML
Today, my relatively new car locked down, with my keys inside of it, while it was still running. In a panic because it was getting dark and I was already low on fuel, I called a locksmith. He showed up and told me he needed to see some ID before unlocking the car. My ID was in the car. FML
Today, I went outside for the first time in a week and ended up tripping over something, busting my lip and nose, and breaking a tooth. I ran away in a dazed and confused panic while dropping all my stuff. Not going outside again for a while. FML
Today, I got robbed in a elevator. Obviously I got scared, and I immediately called my mom to seek comfort. Instead of comforting me, she started yelling and calling me stupid. FML
Today, I woke up from a dream where I was talking with my Pa, who raised me, about my life. He and I drank coffee and talked and he told me everything will be OK. I will never talk with him again; he passed almost 59 years ago and I never got to say goodbye or tell him how much I loved him. FML
Today, my three year-old son excitedly went to the window to watch the construction site next door. He does this all the time and it's adorable… at least, it was until a man got run over by a bulldozer with him watching. He screamed for hours and now cries if I don't keep the curtains closed. FML
Today, I was playing Monopoly with my kids. It was fun, and led to some mock fights. My neighbor, who despises me for being a single mother, used it as an excuse to call the cops on me for "abusing" my kids. They were too confused to do anything but nod at the officer's accusing questions. FML
Today, I went to have dinner with my girlfriend and her family. It got silent, so, noticing her legs were darker than they were a few hours ago, I wanted to ask her if she used tanning lotion. I ended up asking her if her legs were fake. Her dad has prosthetic legs. FML
Today, at work I was playing football with one of my camp kids in the indoor-pool. I saw a co-worker walking by and I decided to hit him with the football. The football slipped out of my hand and I hit a lady in the face, breaking her nose, and causing her to fall and get a concussion. FML
Today, after pulling an all-nighter for my Bio final at 8AM and drinking 6 sodas, 3 energy drinks, and coffee throughout the night, an hour into the exam, I had to go to the restroom, so I get permission and go. I'm 1 of 3 people. They later find a cheat sheet in the restroom. Now I'm a suspect. FML
Today, I was looking online for an alternative number for the interior decorator that is making curtains for me because I couldn't get hold of him. Instead of his number I found a website warning people about him, saying he is a conman. I paid a very big deposit. FML
Today, at my local fishing tackle shop, some dumb kids got into a fight and knocked me over into a glass display case of antique fishing hooks. I’m now in hospital, not only from cuts from broken glass, but to have 27 barbed hooks removed from my hands, arms, and face. FML
Today, I'm grounded for literally the whole summer because my parents found out that I was still seeing my grandma behind their backs, even though they banned her from ever seeing us again after she spanked my sister. FML
Today, my allergies flared up and I started sneezing. I guess my girlfriend was having a bad day, because she lost her shit and started telling me how annoying I am and how I can never do anything right. I'm not sure if we're still a couple, because she stormed out and won't answer my calls. FML
Today, my aunt had the wonderful experience of hearing my boyfriend and I have a very "satisfying" encounter after we stupidly forgot to turn off the baby monitor. FML
Today, I began training my replacement at work. She's a senior citizen. She got excited when I taught her how to highlight text on the screen and double-click the mouse because she "never knew how to do those fancy tricks." The job is entirely computer-based. I have to train her for 6 weeks. FML
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