Today, I was struck down with horrible diarrhea. With barely any toilet paper left, I texted my husband to buy some more and rush home. He replied, "Sorry babe, getting shitfaced with the lads. Get it? 'Shitfaced'. LOL!" and stopped replying to my desperate pleas. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML
Today, work was so busy that when I went to take a shit, I had to force it and wipe hurriedly. Later, when I got home and hopped in the shower, my wife saw the skid mark in my underwear and lost her shit, calling me a disgusting disgraceful pig. FML
Today, in desperate need of a shit, I quickly ran into a shop to buy toilet paper. I rushed home and unleashed, only to realise I'd bought paper towels. Without options, I had to wipe my ass with them and consequently blocked the toilet. I found rolls of toilet paper while looking for the plunger. FML
Today, I was at work alone with a stomach bug. For some reason, our bathroom was out of toilet paper, so I had to quickly run to the nearest store to buy more, only to shit my pants midway there. I'm pretty sure the cashier knew exactly what had happened. FML
Today, I had just sat down and taken a dump in a public restroom when I realized there was no toilet paper. I tried to discreetly call for help, but no one heard me. My only option was to text a friend and have them bring me some. The worst part? My friend ended up texting me, "You called for backup?" as I waited in humiliation. FML
Today, after a shopping trip, I had the worst diarrhea attack and almost shat my pants before I could even get in the front door. By the time I could get the door open, it was taking all of my self-control to keep from shitting myself. I had to shit on the toilet with the front door and bathroom door wide open. FML
Today, I shat myself in front of my girlfriend's family, after drinking too much the previous night and waking up with major stomach problems. FML
Today, I was stuck crouching over the toilet after a night of drinking. My fiancé walked in, gathered my hair, and held it out of the way. When another wave of nausea hit me and I leaned in, he shoved my face into the bowl and ran out, laughing and yelling, "That'll teach ya!" FML
Today, my boyfriend came home drunk from town, busted the toilet door open crying, and proposed to me with a ring and all. I was literally mid-shit. FML
Today, I woke up to use the restroom, because I had to take a shit. There was basically no toilet paper left. I asked my boyfriend if he could go get some. It was 1 a.m. He said he’d go when the stores were open, then told me to just rinse off in the shower. FML
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Top comments
superxmario91 11
use his favorite shirts!!
LostThePlot 3
Your husband has a pretty terrible sense of humour.
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Comments (100)
mozeltov 7
Well, I guess you could say...that's a shitty situation....get it? Shitty? LOL no? Alright, I'll go hide in my corner ;(
MetallicaFTW 16
You better.
zandalee 20
You better hide well!
Aloyese 11
And also hope no one finds you there.
muzy 23
Don't forget to hide yo kids and yo wife as well.
sum42guy2k 6
You better be running fast from that crappy joke...
jarrettd 27
I'm after you. So hide real well.
Azula272 14
If its that bad you could just bathe it off. Geez
LostThePlot 3
Your husband has a pretty terrible sense of humour.
OscarDV 8
I thought that was a pretty funny pun OPs husband said. Plus, if he was already "shitfaced" he had no right to drive and endanger people's lives.
MollyXD124 7
What a butthole!
superxmario91 11
use his favorite shirts!!
AKGirlinSD 20
...and next time he has a stomach ache, make sure that the bathroom is missing toilet paper, leave the home, and turn off your phone. That'll teach him for life!
Ziggy122 15
Oh, wow. Your husband's a ********.
TheAbstract 15
Actually, he was a ********. Haha! oh..
Supergirl1988 16
Get his favourite t shirt from the wardrobe, use, replace back in draw. Two problems solved.
dancinwookie 21
Except now there's a shit covered shirt to deal with in your clean dresser drawers.
gc327072 31
And now the smell of shit will embed itself in the wood of the drawer. Not to mention bacteria, insects...
DishnobFruitCum 5
You know, if you have diarrhea, toilet paper should be out of the question. Find some baby wipes or something and learn how to properly wipe. ;)
kder0aeon 9
or take a shower. def more solutions than jus toliet paper.
Livestrong14 7
He'll regret it when he comes home.
skip_m 6
Use his pillowcase?
curlstar 6
Then he'll really be shitfaced.
zilla52 12
that is the *****