Today, my husband and I put our 9 month old twins to bed and went outside to enjoy a very rare few minutes with each other, a couple of beers, with a baby monitor. He shut the sliding glass door, and I watched the bar that locks it accidentally slide into locked position. All the other doors were locked. FML
pollychrome tells us more.
The rest of the story: I had my cellphone on me (I always do). I called a friend who lived close by who keeps a set of keys for us. She drove over while we sat in the garage (the car trunk was unlocked and I crawled through to get to the inside of the car, and I could get access to the garage door opener, but my husband had locked the inner door to the house - which is why I tried the garage door in the first place) waiting and listening to the monitor. I had grabbed a beer for solidarity, but wasn't really drinking it. I honestly don't like to drink very much since having the kids (obviously didn't drink while pregnant, either), but my husband is awesome and deserved some time off. So I grabbed beers for both of us so he would have one. Usually he just finishes my beer or it ends up getting poured out. The friend got there rather quickly (about 15 minutes) while my husband sat, drank his beer and wondered aloud which of his power tools he would use to cut through the garage wall into the house if the kids started crying (they never woke up). We got in, we laughed. I carry my keys in my pocket at all times now, and my husband doesn't think I'm weird for always having my cellphone on me anymore. It wasn't a crisis, but it sure did freak us out. We're pretty attentive parents, and these are the only kids we're ever going to have (I got my tubes tied after delivery - we figured that two kids would be one for each of us, 0 growth population and really all the kids we could ever take care of anyway), so sometimes the whole first parent thing can make one kind of dumb. Sleep is in short supply, but the kids are worth it.
Today, as I was driving home, I saw a woman get hit by a car. I immediately parked on the side of the road to assist her. I called an ambulance and stayed with her until they came to get her, comforting her all the while. When I returned to my car, I found a parking ticket in my windshield. FML
Today, I learned how to make my fridge colder. I felt that what it was set on felt a little warmer than normal, so I turned it down. Now everything in my fridge is frozen. FML
Today, on a flight, I needed to use the restroom. The passenger next to me was in a deep sleep, and was very large, so I couldn't get out by climbing over him. The urge got severe, so I resorted to tapping him on the shoulder. Turns out he had some nice reflexes and hit me in the face. FML
fractured_ tells us more.
fractured_ 22
After being hit, he said, "oh, oops, do you need to get out?" I was let out, and after waiting in a line of about 6 people, I made it to the restroom.
Today, I should be spending my birthday with my boyfriend of 8 months. Instead he's visiting his ex, who's pregnant with a baby that "may or may not be" his. FML
Today, my husband and I were lovingly holding hands on the couch. I'm not typically a cuddler, but I went with it… until he sneezed into his hands. This would of been fine, if my hand wasn't still coupled with his. His laugh suggested harmless fun. My drenched hand suggested murder. FML
Today, due to my blood pressure, I've begun getting an agonising migraine every time I get increased heart rate from arousal. We’re supposed to be trying for our first baby, but we’ve not had successful sex in weeks because I can’t last until orgasm before I feel like my head is splitting open. FML
Today, I fainted because of a condition I have. My husband, who was standing right there, failed to catch me because he didn't want to drop his yogurt. FML
Today, my band played for our school. We were cheered for and everything. Being the lead singer, I tried to look cool and push the mic away and pull it back by pushing down the bottom of the stand with my foot. It hit my face and I bled like crazy, but I kept singing. No one clapped at the end. FML
Today, I found out my husband has been "cheating" on me with some girl from Russia that he has to pay for regularly. This explains why he never has any money, he's actually dumb enough to be scammed. FML
Today, my parents decided that since summer is almost here, it's a great opportunity to start having nude barbecues. I found this out after walking out into the backyard, hoping to sun myself a little, only to see the living nightmare that is my parents' naked bodies. FML
Today, my landlord told me he is raising my rent next month. I thought he was kidding until he asked if I still wanted to live here. My landlord is also my live-in boyfriend. FML
Today, my mom rolled up the car window on my fingers. She thought my yelling and crying was because I was throwing a tantrum. I'm 26. FML
Today, a guy I went out with twice, and slept with once, came knocking on my door, hysterically crying. Apparently his wife found out about “us” and kicked him out. He’s now asking where he can put his stuff, since he’s now homeless. I had no idea he was married, and she’s now looking to fight me. FML
Today, my husband presented me with a DNA test proving that our newborn daughter isn't his. Confused, I got her tested again. She's not a match to me either. FML
Today, I was using a public toilet when someone entered the stall next to mine. Instead of using the facilities, the person in there reached under the stall to steal my bag. Fortunately, I was holding the strap so they couldn't take it. Unfortunately, they decided to take my right shoe instead. FML
fordneagles tells us more.
fordneagles 34
Hey guys, I'm the OP, for those worried about the grossness of the floor, the cleaners had just been in (the wet floor sign was still there), so I just took off the other sandal and looked a bit of a bogan, but better than replacing everything in my wallet! And for the record, my bag was not on the floor, it was resting on my (previously sandalled) feet. I've never noticed any hooks in the stalls, but then I've never expected someone to try and nick my bag either.
Today, I found out my boyfriend is an active member of the suicide forum. He told me I should make an account too. FML
Today, I received a 7-page text message during school from my mom yelling at me because I ate her cereal. FML
Today, I tried fixing my dad's lawnmower after he said, "Girls can't change a lightbulb right, let alone fix a machine." An hour later, when I had the lawnmower running again, he bitched me out for trying to make him "look stupid." He's been sulking and acting pissy ever since. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot in the bedroom. Her phone rang and she stopped to have an hour long conversation with her ex. FML
Today, I woke up and headed downstairs ready to do the dishes, when my mom hissed at me to, “go do the dishes!” As I was washing them, my mom stood over me the whole time. She eventually said, “You know, it’s pretty fucking sad that I still have to tell you to do these things.” FML
Today, I visited my dad. He gave the, "You live under my roof, you follow my rules" lecture since I didn't do my "chores". I moved out 3 years ago. FML
Today, I was going on a blind date with a girl. She walked up to the table, said "Nah, no thanks" and left. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in his bed watching football when it went to commercial. He started kissing my neck and trying to get me turned on. Then I remembered we'd be going to visit his mom soon, where we'd be playing Wii. That thought turned me on more than my boyfriend did. FML
Today, I have to take medicine that gives me painful, violent farts. Tomorrow, I have to either get fired or go work in an office that's dead silent. How silent? Last week I heard my coworker drop a paperclip, three desks away. FML
Today, I saw a text message on my husband's phone from a "Candice", asking him if he and his wife are still separated, followed by an invitation to spend the night. I never knew we were separated in the first place. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex, and it was my first time being on top. I got so into it that when I went to put my hands on the wall for support, the shelf above my bed snapped, with my favorite little cactus falling onto his face. FML
Today, I was falling asleep on my desk, my head on my fist. My elbow slipped off the edge of the desk and I punched myself, leaving a fist mark on my cheek. At school, people think my parents hit me. My parents think I'm getting bullied at school. No one believes the actual story. FML
Dobby123 tells us more.
Dobby123 0
For those who don't get it, beside my desk is a table a little bit lower than the desk. When my elbow hit that, it stopped, but my head kept on going and technically my face hit my fist, although my fist also hit my face. Sorry couldn't put that in the story, we can only write 300 characters, so yeah. I still have no idea how I could've hit my face so hard I got a mark :(
Today, I got a tattoo of the snake and staff medical symbol on my wrist. Now everyone keeps asking what illness I have; they think it's a medical bracelet substitute. FML
Calaraphea tells us more.
Calaraphea 16
OP here. I didn't expect it to be noted as a medical bracelet substitute. It's very artsy and colourful; it also has a date underneath so I didn't expect people to think it was due to an illness.
Today, my friend and I offered a hot girl a lift home from campus. I was sitting in the passenger seat and she climbed in behind me. As I adjusted my seat forward to give her more leg room, my friend pulled off - slamming my seat back into her legs. FML
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