Today, everyone says I'm being too hard on my son, who I disowned and went no contact with after he cleaned out all of my late wife's belongings without asking. I have nothing, literally nothing left of her now. FML
Today, I realized that, after waiting until I was 29 to be in a serious relationship, I got with a guy that turned out to be exactly like my abusive piece of shit father. Why? Why God? FML
Today, at my new job, my coworkers pranked me by moving around the things on my desk. I was horribly upset by it and reported them all to HR. Now no one will talk to me and I'm the office pariah within my first week. FML
Today, it's been two weeks since my ex took me on a date and said honestly that he missed me and wanted to be with me. I said I was too busy, and he nodded, shrugged, and said OK. I haven't heard from him since and I can't stop thinking about him. FML
Today, my boss is such an evil evil woman that this morning when a neighbour a few doors up started drilling something, I peed a little in fright because I though it was my phone vibrating from her ringing to ask me to work the weekend. I had to change my pyjamas. Does this count as PTSD? FML
Today, me and my husband have been trying to get pregnant for so long that we have gone from, “Yay, sex everyday!” to “Damn, the schedule says we need to have sex again.” We don’t even really undress anymore, we just move clothes aside so the appropriate body parts are exposed. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 3 months said she was going to do the dishes, so I said I’d do the bins and mop the floor once I was at my games checkpoint in 30 seconds. She completely blew up at me for “never helping around here” when I literally just said I’d mop the floor in 30 seconds. FML
Today, I was uninvited to a family reunion because I’m the result of my mom’s affair while she was married to her husband, who raised me as a dad for 22 years before we found out. According to my aunts, uncles, and cousins who I grew up with, it means I’m not really family anymore. FML
Today, I’m a recovering alcoholic. With the upcoming holiday, I have two choices; I can go over my family’s house who are all heavy drinkers and hope I don’t relapse, or I can stay home by myself and hope the crushing loneliness doesn’t drive me back to the bottle. FML
Today, I was house-sitting. A lady came to the door and demanded to know whose white car was in the drive. It was mine. She said she had video proof of me hitting her mailbox. I panicked, asked how much it was. She said $200. Later I checked my car. No damage. Impossible angle. I gave $200 to a strange old lady. With no proof. FML
Today I booked an Airbnb for a few days and the instructions for the television were a laminated sheet saying, “It’s a tv, not a supercomputer, figure it out snowflake!” I can’t work out how to move it from Sky to Netflix; I’ve tried every possible button, menu, and setting. FML
Today, I was talking with my newly-single male friend, who I've had a crush on forever. He was rattling off his list of what he looks for in a woman, like, "Must want kids, must eat meat…" I got excited thinking I might have a shot until I heard, "Must be at least somewhat right wing." Fuck. FML
Today, I discovered that my deceased mother, God rot her festering soul, wrote me and only me out of her will. All my other siblings are wealthy; I’m the only one in financial trouble after my divorce. And why did mom hate me so much? Because I’m divorced and God says divorce is bad. FML
Today, I’m hard of hearing and rely partly on lip-reading. At a grocery store, the cashier asked me something I didn’t quite catch, so I smiled and nodded. Apparently, she had asked if I wanted to donate to a charity, so I ended up donating a couple of bucks to a cause I still don’t know the name of. FML
Today, my wife and I had to cancel our family vacation to the Atlantis resort in the Bahamas that we had planned for almost two years and spent thousands on, because our son tripped over his suitcase and dislocated his ankle as we were leaving to go to the airport. FML
Today, I'm stuck in a nightmare where one of my young twins is fixated on spending as much time with her sibling as possible, while the other one is a complete introvert who wants her sister to leave her alone as much as possible. Either way, someone is upset and crying, mostly me. FML
Today, I realized being a passport bro cost me my life’s savings and $40k credit card debt. I married a beautiful petite Thai girl molded out of my dreams, only for her to tell me six years later that she’s leaving me for her husband in Thailand. She’s a US Citizen now (thanks to me), and is now gonna sponsor him. FML
Today, my parents found out that I separately convinced them not to get back together, and now they're not speaking to me. FML
Today, even though I know better than to trust doctor Google on any kind of diagnosis, and with my chiropractor and doctor being completely clueless as to what my constant pain in my right buttock was, I found piriformus syndrome. A condition that perfectly mimics sciatica nerve pain. How did my chiropractor miss this? FML
Today, I saw a friend from college, who I'd cut ties with after her much older boyfriend convinced her to drop out of college and marry him. She looks amazing and has two beautiful kids, while I'm a struggling obese single mom. She said, "The hoe phase really worked out for you, I see." FML
Today, my marriage of only a month is falling apart because my wife is furious that I allowed my daughter to move in with my mother, who lives just a few houses down. My daughter wanted to go live with her grandma and I agreed because my wife brought in four kids and my daughter had virtually no space. FML
Today, during a first date, we discovered we had complete opposite views on tipping. Neither of us wanted to back down, so we spent an hour debating economics instead of getting to know each other. At the end, the server thanked us for the entertainment and asked if we'd be coming back. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I spent almost $500 adopting a senior cat and buying everything we needed to take care of him. He died 6 hours later. FML
Today, I have an office crush that I'm completely in love with. I tried to make some type of connection, but to him I'm dead, I'm just like some kind of office furniture, like a lamp or a printer, but even more useless. FML
Today, I picked up a receipt in a parking lot and noticed someone had spent $437 on decorative gourds. My entire day was ruined by questions that would never be answered. FML
Today, I tracked down my long-lost daughter after losing her to foster care 26 years ago when I was on drugs. I knocked on her door and introduced myself, going in for a hug. She maced me and physically kicked me back into the hall, threatening a restraining order if I ever spoke to her again, and slammed the door. FML
Today, I’m divorcing my husband. Not because he plays video games, but because he lost a round and wrecked the living room for the second time in six months. He broke the TV, slammed his PS5 into the ground, and threw his $400 gaming chair through the sliding glass door into the backyard. FML
Today, my husband said early in the day that he wanted to cook dinner. When he decided it was time to cook, he apparently put some meat on the grill. I didn't know he'd started dinner. He does this every time he "cooks" and gets mad every time I haven't prepared the rest of the meal. FML
Today, I attempted meal prepping to “get my life together.” Within an hour I'd burned rice, melted a plastic spatula, and discovered I’d seasoned chicken with powdered sugar instead of salt. My smoke alarm and my stomach filed complaints. FML
Today, I got in the car with some friends, only to realize none of them were wearing seat belts. They heckled me until I took mine off, then the driver slammed on the brakes and I hit the dash. They'd all known it was coming and braced themselves. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
