Anonymous
Bite the bullet
Today, I got terminated. I don’t know how to tell my family that I no longer have a job. FML
The Top · The top of the year
Anonymous
Can't be arsed
Today, my dad used to be suspicious of boys like all dads are, but just now he kicked me, actually kicked me up the ass, to get me out of the house for a date. His parting words were, "You’re 32 years-old and still living with me. Marry him, marry anybody, please, before I’m dead." FML
You're next, ex-mom!
Family
Today, I came home to see my house trespassed, vandalized, and looted by my cousin, whom I have always hated, and his friends. As I get the cops to haul them to jail, he got kicked out from home for the Nth time and said my mom invited them. When I confronted my mom about it, she dismissed it saying, "He's family!" FML
Juggalomayne
Hey good lookin'
Today, at the library, I saw my ex for the first time in two years, about 100lbs lighter and super hot. She’s engaged now. I asked her why she couldn’t do that for me when we were together. She replied, “Because my man loved me at my worst, unlike you. So he deserves me at my best. Have a nice day.” and walked away. FML
Little mermaid
The pros and cons of FWB
Today, I got to speak to a friend with benefits and he’s been stringing me along for months now. We finally got the chance to do the deed and my husband ruined it. Now he only speaks to me when it’s convenient for him. FML
Anonymous
Step-dad no more
Today, my wife of 9 years told me she wants a divorce all because I refuse to legally adopt her kids. FML
Anonymous
United Kingdom
Nature is healing
Today, I took my son fishing and we did quite well, catching enough for several nights worth of meals. Then, as we were packing up, the dumbass tipped the whole lot back into the sea because he somehow thought the freaking ocean was subject to catch and release. Four hours wasted FML
Anonymous
United States
Consolation Prize
Today, a guy who I was low-key crushing on asked me out. I excitedly told my best friend, as I do when I have big news. She informed me that the same guy asked her out 15 minutes ago. He'd originally been into her and only came to me because she rejected him. FML
Anonymous
United States
Pipe down
Today, my husband is threatening divorce because I loudly objected at his daughter's wedding and made a scene. His daughter is 19 and got married to a 40-year-old man. FML
Anonymous
United States 🌶️ Spicy
Be careful what you wish for
Today, I finally gave into a kink I wanted to try out. I asked my boyfriend to send freaky voice clips of him barking and whimpering. He actually did it, and It immediately gave me the biggest ick. I am now stuck with his horrible "sexy" barking. FML
DumbHead
Chennai, India
Self-sabotage
Today, I really like my job and need it for sustenance. Despite that, my brain constantly finds ways to screw up my job. Outside of work, all my friends refer to me as "The Genius" or the "brilliant one". But at work, I'm a dunce. Why brain, why? FML
Anonymous
United States
Hypercontrolling
Today, I was thrown from a horse. Thankfully, there was a trainer there to break my fall and prevent serious injury. Instead of being concerned for my safety or even grateful, my boyfriend flew into a rage that the trainer’s hands had brushed my breasts while saving me. FML
ViciousCycle
Berlin, Germany
Temper tantrum
Today, my husband has a terrible temper and starts screaming for everything. Consequently, I've learnt to deflect and shift blame to save myself. He says he flies off the handle because I shift blame, while I do it to avoid being verbally abused. Made for each other much? FML
Anonymous
United States
Ballsy move
Today, I found out that the woman who I punched in the face after I caught her on my porch snooping through my mail is pressing charges. FML
Anonymous
United Kingdom
Obviously
Today, I heard my boyfriend on the phone to his brother saying that he didn’t know what it was, but he felt like he’d had a really good weekend, and he was feeling much less stressed. I’ve been giving him the silent treatment since we argued Friday morning. Guess I know why he had a good weekend. FML
Anonymous
United States
It's the (saucy) thought that counts (or not)
Today, I surprised my wife with some new lingerie for our upcoming anniversary, thinking she would like it. Instead of a thank you, I got an ungrateful attitude from her instead. FML
Anonymous
United Kingdom
Little brat
Today, I was in hospital after surgery when someone’s little brat came wandering into my room like a mini hurricane and all I could do was lie there trying desperately to call for a nurse as he ate my snacks, knocked over my books, went through my bag, etc. If I can sue his parents, I will. FML
Anonymous
Canada
Small town
Today, I found out that my dad has a massive number of kids he doesn't know about, some of them have hooked up, and it is a serious possibility that I've slept with one of my half-sisters unintentionally. FML
Anonymous
Serious business
Today, I showed up for a Tinder date. I sat there for 45 minutes, waiting. Finally, I messaged her to ask if she was coming. She replied, “Oh no, I wasn’t serious. You just seemed polite. I didn’t think you’d actually show up.” FML
Anonymous
Life's not fair
Today, I hate the job I am in and just want a minimum wage to live through. My dad gave away millions because it's "his money" and I need to put up with entitled male chauvinistic idiots at work. I would only need a fraction of the amount he donated to live peacefully for the entirety of my life. FML
Anonymous
Sitcom moment
Today, my friends were criticizing me, a 36 year-old man hitting on a 22 year-old I met at a bar. I brought up that she’s a consenting adult. One of them responded, “Dude, the year she was born, you were old enough to jerk off and your voice was dropping… isn’t that a turnoff for you?” FML
Lonely
Plenty of fish (or not)
Today, I have been single for four years. During this time, I have hit it off with a dozen women. Ten of them turned out to be very religious or in cults, which is a deal breaker to me. Of the remaining two, one became a dear friend before blocking me when she met her now boyfriend, and the last one is asexual. FML
Anonymous
🌶️ Spicy
Kick off
Today, my boyfriend and I were having spontaneous sex on the sofa when he suddenly pulled out and sat back down, boner waving like a flagpole, because half time was over on the football and he hadn’t thought the sex would take so long. Let's see if he ever gets sex again, tosser. FML
Anonymous
Cost effective
Today, I got into yet another fight with my wife because I keep telling her Los Angeles is too expensive and that we need to move somewhere cheaper. But she won't listen. She keeps saying all these high prices are going to blow up in the government's faces. I agree, they probably are, but when? Tomorrow? FML
Anonymous
United States
Thanks Grandma
Today, my husband and I had to cancel our family Disney World trip because my mom stole and gambled away all of our spending money. Our kids are still crying and throwing tantrums and don't understand why we can't afford to go anymore. FML
Anonymous
Ottawa, Canada
Danger zone
Today, despite repeatedly telling the nurse I'm severely allergic to NSAIDs, she insisted she give me Advil for my high fever. When I told her I would go into anaphylactic shock, she said, "Well you are in the right place to go into anaphylactic shock!" and then told the doctor I was refusing treatment. FML
Lia
United States
No politik here
Today, I just moved from New York and I started a new school with new people. Nobody wants to be my friend or talk to me because I’m Israeli and apparently I “participate in genocide and take Americans' tax money.” I've lived in America since I was 4 and haven’t done any of that, let alone go back to Israel. FML
xXCharlieXx
United States
Homeowners war
Today, my neighborhood Facebook group was arguing about whether leaf blowers should be banned. Thinking I was posting in a private chat, I wrote, “Imagine making leaf blowers your entire personality.” I accidentally posted it publicly. Two neighbors haven't spoken to me since. FML
Anonymous
St Louis, United States 🌶️ Spicy
Mythbusters
Today, I’ve realized the whole “men are more sexual than women” isn’t true. I have ended up in two long-term relationships with two different men who had zero sex drive, stopped any sort of romantic connection/flirting, and then it felt like I just had a roommate. FML
Anonymous
United Kingdom
Freaky family
Today, I missed my daughter’s engagement because her cousin has a crush on her and was planning to ruin it. So while my daughter was agreeing to get married, my sister and I were in the car park with the jealous little shit in a headlock, whilst screaming that he loved her and that it’s not fair. He’s 27. FML