Today, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. It was a man with a speech impediment, and I began imitating him. He was the manager of a store I applied at. He wanted to arrange an interview. FML
Today, I overheard my fourteen year old daughter talking on the phone. Apparently, as of last night, she and her best friend have their "official licenses in muff diving". FML
Today, I had my buddies over for a few beers and, trying to be cool, I told my wife to get out of the living room and back in the kitchen. I felt smug, right up until she said, "Why? Your mom doesn't need to be turned over for another 20 minutes, dick." FML
Today, I gave the option to my boyfriend of 5 years to either quit World of Warcraft of lose me. He said WOW makes him happier. FML
Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML
Today, I got back from vacation and walked in on my boyfriend and my brother in my bed. FML
Today, I went to a fast-food joint and ordered off the $1.00 menu to save money. Five hours later I go to the hospital with food-poisoning. After a whole day of not eating, crapping, puking, having tests, and a bunch of IV fluids, my $1.00 burger ended up costing me $2,000 in bills. Really. FML
Today, I was feeling a little naughty, so I put on a sexy outfit, laid down on the hood of my boyfriend's car, and waited for him to find me. When he came into the garage and saw me, he freaked out and bitched at me, because I "could've dented the chassis." FML
Today, while driving home from work, I noticed the driver next to me was happily chatting on her phone. I fucking despise these would-be murderers, so I slammed my horn to signal my disgust. She panicked and swerved straight into my car. FML
Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML
Today, I tried to imitate Mary Poppins by jumping off a shed with an umbrella. I spent the next 3 hours in the emergency room. My leg is broken. FML
Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML
Today, my boyfriend found out I have OCD. When I touch something with one hand I have to touch it with the other or I freak. After I brushed his face with the back of my hand he tackled me to the floor, held me down, and laughed at me while I panicked and tried to touch him with my other hand. FML
Today, my girlfriend chose the most expensive restaurant in town, then spent the entire time facebooking, texting, and playing games on her phone while I dined in silence. This is the second time we've been out this week. She didn't even eat her food. I didn't even get a thank you. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I got just three calls all day. The first one was my fiancé, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancé for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office, to sing me a happy birthday. FML
Today, while babysitting a five year-old, I found a cartoon called Metalocalypse for him to watch while I made dinner. I didn't realize it was an "adult" cartoon until afterwards. He watched a whole episode about a clown with a cocaine problem. FML
Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. Now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML
Today, I had to dig up my twin boys birth certificates for baseball registration. Turns out I had been calling both of them by the other twin's name for eight and a half years. FML
Today, I realized I've been sinking into a deep depression, ignoring all my friends, and don't know what to do with my life anymore. This is all because I gave up Facebook for lent. FML
Today, I hooked up with the guy I've been seeing. Apparently he doesn't believe in condoms and took it off without my knowing; I didn't realize until after. When I asked him in horror why he would do such a thing, he said "I love you. I want you to have my child." It had been our second date. FML
SoniaLovesYou tells us more.
Wish I could say this WAS fake, but sadly it happened. Although it shouldn't matter, I will go ahead and mention that the guy is Mexican and most likely grew up in a culture that generally looks down on contraception; but it doesn't excuse what he did. Thanks to those of you expressing concern; I plan on taking the morning after pill and everything should be fine, but I am still intensely freaked over this. To those of you thinking I deserved it, I'll mention that I DID know the guy previous to this and quite liked him; this was a part of himself that he kept hidden until now. To those calling me a ****: I agree that sex has taken over our culture, especially with regard to young people, but having what I thought was safe sex with someone I knew and liked (and didn't realize was a psychopath!) does not mean that I have no self control. And Ichigoner, you're absolutely right - this guy and the "Be my baby's daddy!" girl would make a perfect couple, and probably end up making that octuplet mom look bad....
Today, my mother walked in on my boyfriend licking whipped cream off my nipples. FML
Today, my friend and I wanted to get some alcohol (we're under 21). We went to a liquor store and asked a random guy to go in and buy us some vodka. After giving him $20, he said he had to go turn off his car, then he'd get us the drinks. He got in his car and drove off, with my $20. FML
Today, I went to the hospital in premature labor. Alone, I texted my best friend/crush and asked him to come and sit with me for an hour while I waited on my mom to arrive. Eating cornflakes and watching TV, he replied "I can't". Apparently TV is more important than a best friend in labor. FML
way2gosam tells us more.
Okay, I'm finally writing back to all 401 of your comments. Yes, I am a pregnant teenager- although, I can not see how that has any revelance to my post, pregnancy in teenagers happens quite often and I do not appreciate the judgemental/negative comments being thrown at me. It's pure slander. Yes, the father and I did have a fallout and I will be raising the baby on my own, with the help and support of my family and friends- not to mention he lives in the northern part of the state that I live in, which happens to be 4-5 hours away, even if he wanted to be here for the arrival of our child(which we are expecting to be a girl), he could not make it here on time. Therefore, my mother is my "go'to man", for lack of better words. I also notice you all are saying that he wouldn't want to hold my hand or watch the baby being born, I never said he would be in the delievery room- I simply asked him to keep my company during the scary hours of contractions that were yet to come, until my mother could arrive and take over. Yes, we had previously discussed it, and he had said that if need-be, he would be there. Unfortunately for me, he was speaking pure lies. As for the premature labor I did go into, they did stop it, and I am now on bed rest while taking a medicine called "terbutaline" every 4 hours in order to hold her until full term. (Which is also why I could write my FML, I didn't come home taking care of a baby, I came home on bed rest so I could have my baby at the correct time. I had nothing else to do but write my FML.) I do understand how confusing and misleading my post was, but keep in mind you only get a certain amount of letters to work with when writing your original FML, and by reading this I'm sure you've noticed that I could not elaborate thouroughly with 300 letters as a maximum. I do appreciate your opinions, even though I do not agree with all the statements that were made. Just wanted to explain since there were so many confused people.
Today, since I'm too ashamed to go buy a proper sex toy, I used an old Star Wars toy sword instead. FML
Today, as a joke, I hid under my parents' bed, hoping to scare them when they came home. When they finally arrived, they burst through their bedroom door, tearing each other's clothes off. I had to keep my breath in time with my mom's panting and moaning as my dad brutally dominated her. FML
Today, someone started an event on Facebook for tomorrow called Kick A Ginger Day. Over 300 people are attending. There are only two redheads in my school, and I'm one of them. FML
Today, while shopping at American Eagle, I found the same "$1,500" wedding ring my fiancé proposed to me with, marked on sale for $10.95. FML
Today, my girlfriend smelt my penis after I got back from the gym. She was making sure it didn't smell like latex. I can't even go to the gym without her thinking I'm cheating on her. FML
Today, I found out my blood type is B. My parents are type A and type O. It's not genetically possible to be blood type B if your parents are A and O. This means I am either an adoptee, a mutant, or an illegitimate child. FML
Today, I kissed my iced over window to know what kissing Edward Cullen would be like. My neighbor saw. My first reaction was to come up with a cover story. I licked the window and wiped my sleeve over it to look like I was cleaning it. My neighbor came over later and gave me an early Christmas gift. Windex. FML
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