Today, my girlfriend and I went to the bank to get her new ATM card. As the bank teller gave her the card, he said that the PIN remained the same. Indignant, she cried out, "How do you possibly know my PIN code?" She's 27. FML
Today, after dumping my ex for being married, I realized he'd been my best friend too, and I have no one to tell the funny, mundane bits about my day. I never realized until now how much I needed that. FML
Today, I attempted to conquer my fear of eating out. The very first thing I saw as soon as I got to the restaurant? An unconscious guy getting taken away by paramedics. I turned around and went straight home. FML
Today, my husband pathetically tried to convince me that his “friend” has his Facebook password, and “hacks” into his account to message another woman using his profile. The dick picture he sent her by text message? His “friend” has his iCloud password and “hacked” it, and sent it himself. Right. FML
Today, my dad is a drill sergeant, which is bad enough, but my boyfriend wants to meet him and my mom. This cannot go well, all the jokes and comedy movies say this cannot go well at all. FML
Today, my friend brought four full grown hemp plants home. They cost $100 a pop; meanwhile he still owes $25 from a Lyft ride he claims he can’t pay back. FML
Today, during a job interview, I was asked the classic, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" My brain froze, and I blurted out, "Hopefully not here." FML
Today, it's my birthday and I had to work. My boss wished me a happy birthday, and then told me I was fired. FML
Today, my rowing coach asked my teammates and me a question that I couldn’t quite hear. The answer should’ve been, “We rowed in pairs today” and I responded, “Only in Central Park.” The question was, “How did you row today?” not, “Have you rowed?” There was a long moment of silence. FML
Today, I discovered that it doesn’t matter where I move, I will always wake up at 5 a.m. to the sound of construction directly above my ceiling. FML
Today, I finally got pulled into a threesome with the girl I've loved for years and another friend. She led the interaction with, "You only get to touch her" then, "I just wish [her ex] was here" and finished with, "OK, it's weird with you here, you can just go." FML
Today, I put my travel cup of coffee on the shelf behind me while getting a haircut. When I left, I picked up my coffee and cell phone. A block later, the barber had chased me down to get his cell phone back. Yep, I had two phones in my pocket. FML
Today, my husband told me that he could not love me without sex. My love for him is utterly unconditional. My heart is just broken now. FML
Today, I suddenly gained a massive burst of anxiety out of nowhere when thinking about my upcoming assessment appointments for my back and hip surgeries. I need these so I don't end up permanently crippled due to spinal stenosis and a labral tear. The worst part is that I know I'm fretting over nothing. FML
Today, at a very important company function where lots of the big bosses were, including the CEO of the company, I absentmindedly introduced the executive director whose name is Whitney as “Whitney Houston.” On stage. In front of ALL of them. I’ll never live this down. FML
Today, my roommate placed something on a shelf I put up, and the whole thing came crashing down. It's been fine for 2 years and now the shelf decides to break? Yeah right, dude. FML
Today, I once again had to explain to yet another student up for expulsion that hate speech, slurs, threats, and sexual harassment are NOT “protected by their first amendment rights.” How these idiots even got into college is beyond me. FML
Today, I was WFH on a video call with my team when my toddler barged into the room. As I tried to calmly guide her out, she managed to turn my Bluetooth speaker on, which started blasting "Baby Shark" to my entire team. They now have a new nickname for me. FML
Today, my older sister forced me to tell my nephews, 8 and 6, that Santa Claus does not exist, because she was recently fired from her job and is too much of a coward to tell them she will no longer give them any Christmas gifts for the foreseeable future. FML
Today, during a driving lesson, I accidentally rear-ended a BMW at a traffic light. The number plate was "Law Man." FML
Today, I work at the DMV. My ex-husband’s sister came in for a last name change. When I looked at the marriage license and her other documents, it was revealed that she was never his sister. My ex-husband is now her husband. Now I understand why they always spent time alone together. FML
Today, I went to the supermarket for three things and repeated them to myself the whole way there. I came home with everything except those three things. I did remember to buy a cake I hadn't planned on getting. FML
Today, I had a job interview at a Holiday Inn. I got there ten minutes early and sat until 1:00 p.m., then told the person at the front desk I was there for my interview. She called the manager, who said that no interviews were scheduled today. I'd gone to the wrong Holiday Inn. FML
Today, on a whim, I bought my wife some flowers on my way home. She put them in a vase then asked me what stupid thing I did that I’m pre-apologising for. She refuses to believe I bought her flowers for any other reason. Man, I must be a really shitty husband. FML
Today, thanks to my wife, our 11 year-old daughter is completely obsessed with serial killers, cults, and true crime. My wife thinks it’s funny and harmless; meanwhile I’m legitimately worried about our child’s mental health. FML
Today, I was at a coffee shop with my boyfriend when we got into a little argument. I was trying to keep it calm and quiet, but my boyfriend yelled, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE DOING THIS TO ME!" The entire coffee shop went silent. Then, an old lady yelled, “Finally, someone said it!” FML
Today, I had to leave my boyfriend because he was unfaithful. This is the third time in as many years. I'm starting to think I have "Cheat on me" written on my face. FML
Today, I got a phone call from my daughter’s school. Apparently she stood on top of a table and screamed, “I HAVE SYPHILIS” at the top of her lungs. She’s in kindergarten. Where in the world did she even hear that? FML
Today, my ex casually mentioned that, during our relationship, she started stupid fights over nothing, hoping I would lose my temper and angry-fuck her. She added, "Most guys figure that out pretty quick, I guess you're just slow." FML
Today, I went down to my congresscritter's office to deliver some paperwork. Somehow, I'd forgotten the pocketknife I kept on me for hiking, from four years ago, back when I could walk consistently. The security guards were kind enough not to laugh at me, at least. FML
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