Today, I recently started seeing a girl and I slept over at her house for the first time. Apparently, I still talk in my sleep. This morning she told me I whispered, "I love you so much." FML
Today, I’ve realized the whole “men are more sexual than women” isn’t true. I have ended up in two long-term relationships with two different men who had zero sex drive, stopped any sort of romantic connection/flirting, and then it felt like I just had a roommate. FML
Today, my date told me that he, his parents, and grandparents, believe that all doctors, but especially dentists, are nothing but drug-pushing crooks, and therefore completely unnecessary. Oh and the fact that they’ve all lost their teeth is “genetic” and has nothing to do with their hygiene. FML
Today, after a nasty argument about the "necessity" of cars, I accepted a challenge to move a washing machine with a bicycle trailer. I got it loaded on, then started off down the street. The first time I tried to stop, I ran into a ditch with the washing machine falling on top of me. Ouch. FML
Today, it was Thanksgiving and the first time my boyfriend would be meeting my whole family. He was nervous so he started drinking. By the end of the night, he was belligerently drunk and kissed my aunt twice thinking it was me. FML
Today, I just had an argument with my father. He claimed that if a woman is covered in tattoos, it's quite clear that she's a whore. He said so in front of my girlfriend, who has tattoos all over her arms. FML
Today, I was feeling confident, so I rented a cabana at the beach and put on my best swimsuit. I was at the bar when suddenly the stool gave way under me. I was drenched in Mojito and a bunch of spring breakers laughed at me, making fat jokes. I spent the rest of the day crying in the cabana. FML
Today, I was sick and had a migraine. Being sick turns me into a big baby, and I told my boyfriend I didn't want to be alone. Two hours into my shift, he texted me saying he "needs to let off some steam because he hadn't in a long time." Guess who ended up staying home alone until his drunk ass needed to be taken care of. FML
Today, I woke up to realize I got my period a week early. The day of the after-wedding brunch. In a sort of remote area. Without pads or tampons. I need to be at the breakfast in a half-hour. FML
Today, we had to do a scene from Romeo and Juliet. I was Romeo, and this really pretty girl was Juliet. When she found out she was with me, I heard her say "FML." FML
Today, after two frustrating days of being stuck, I finally switched my old door knob that had a broken latch. Now I can’t find the set of keys to the replacement I just installed. FML
Today, I parked at the airport and rushed inside. TSA pulled me into a back room for screening, including a rectal exam, then let me go, but I missed my flight. Back at my car, there was a note on the windshield: “I know what you did, John. Lock your doors next time.” (My name isn't John) and I found a pile of shit on my seat. FML
Today, after telling my bosses how much I dislike the Christmas holiday, they assigned ME to organize and host a holiday party for our whole company, with a “Mariah Carey Christmas Karaoke.” I hate Christmas. FML
Today, I had my half-year performance review. My boss arrived 15 minutes late, paid basically no attention to my presentation, and left 30 minutes early. I guess I’ll go fuck myself then. FML
Today, the couch I ordered finally arrived. It was a long search and a little expensive but worth it for the extra comfort. It is perfect, except for the fact that it doesn't fit thought the staircase of my building. Now it's standing in the hallway because they won't take it back. FML
Today, I showed up at my mom’s with homemade soup, since she said she wasn’t hosting Christmas Eve because she had the flu. My entire family was there without me. FML
Today, I'm an insomniac. My husband knows this but still woke me up throwing a fit because he lost a round on his stupid fucking cellphone game. He has to watch a 15 second ad for another life; meanwhile, I’ll be lucky if I fall back asleep before the sun comes up. FML
Today, I realized my fiance would rather sit in the garage and get high than spend any time with me. I can't remember the last time we had sex and I don't know what to do at this point. FML
Today, after already living with two wasps' nests, as well as gnats that plague our flower pots, we've also discovered moths in our pantry, who've ruined all of the food. FML
Today, my wife has gotten into the habit of commenting on how much more attractive men in Latin soap operas are than me. When I suggested that an older character on the show looked like her mom, she started crying, and yelling about how hard the actress's life has been. FML
Today, I had to explain to my family why using a registered sex offender as a babysitter is a bad idea. They didn't understand and now my grandmother can't see her grandkids, and my dad is facing a lengthy prison sentence. FML
Today, we were driving home from NYC to Knoxville after our flight got cancelled, and we had to drive with 3 strangers for 13 hours. We are now stuck in Who-Knows-Where, Virginia, with two blown tires, because a metal plate fell off an 18-wheeler in front of us. FML
Today, my mother-in-law pulled into our driveway like a bat out of hell, knocking down the mailbox, and nearly running over our dog who was outside. What was the rush? Hannity was gonna come on TV. My husband refuses to find this woman a home. FML
Today, my friend told me she managed to have sex with the guy who told me he didn’t wanna date me, or even become friends with benefits, because it would “ruin our friendship.” They’ve been friends for about two years. Apparently, her friendship with him is worth “ruining.” FML
Today, I’ve been divorced for six years. Dating is in the toilet, and so far my options are short, emotionally unavailable, or married. At this point, I’d like a refund. FML
Today, it was confirmed that I have ADHD and moderate OCD. My mom thinks I do it on purpose to seek attention. I'm shy, and I don't even like people. FML
Today, I just woke up to my boyfriend's Instagram account coming up as 'Instagram User', then found out I don’t have him on Snapchat anymore either. I don’t know what’s happening. You think he ghosted me? FML
Today, after nine years, I got back together with my first love, the man who taught me about sensuality and touch, and who no one could measure up to since. I guess this time I’ll have to do the teaching, because he has somehow forgotten even the basics of how to touch a woman. FML
Today, I got a nosebleed. For 7 hours. I ended up in the ER. FML
Today, my boyfriend is sulking because he actually thought two weeks paternity leave was going to be our new baby sleeping 18 hours a day while he played his Xbox, and get paid not to go to work every day. He was wrong, it’s been three days, and he’s exhausted already and whining. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
