Today, working as a nurse, I asked a 61-year-old patient if he did any physical activity. His reply was, "Well, I do masturbate a lot". He then went on to describe the various techniques he uses. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my husband and I were fooling around in the shower. For some reason, I thought it'd be a good idea to grab his man meat and show him how to wash someone at a nursing home. He said he'd never be turned on by a nurse again. I'm a nurse. FML
Today, I visited my sick grandpa for a few hours in the hospital. His roommate, also an elderly man, wouldn't stop masturbating. FML
Today, I went to the Doctors and the nurse asked if I was married, in which I responded "yes". Then she asked if I was sexually active... "no". FML
Today, I went to the doctor for my yearly checkup. After getting my blood-pressure taken, my finger pricked, etc, the doctor began to ask me some questions. When asked if I was sexually active, I responded "Yes". The doctor started laughing. FML
Today, I had to feed an elderly man in the care home in which I work while he was whacking off. Our work policy states that I have to pretend not to notice. FML
Today, my parents sent me to the hospital because they thought I had diabetes. One of the symptoms is that you a pee a lot. The only reason I go to the bathroom so often is so I can masturbate. FML
Today, I volunteered at a nursing home. I approached a lonely, old man who had a type of nervous tick. I went over to speak to him, and not even four sentences into our conversation he says, "I'd really like to make love to you." What I thought was a tick was actually him stroking himself. FML
Today, I asked my husband, of only a year, why we don't have sex anymore. He said it's because he masturbates. When I asked how often he did it, he replied "Every day that we don't have sex..." FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML
Today, I walked in on my wife masturbating. Naturally, I asked her if she needed some help. She replied, "Nah, I've got this." FML
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Top comments
RouletteRed 6
He's builing up those arms! =D
iAmScrubs 19
Wait for him to demonstrate the interpretive dance masturbation.
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Comments (89)
RouletteRed 6
He's builing up those arms! =D
auriane_fml 19
Did You make notes?
Mean_Mr_Mustard 9
Haha sounds like the type of old man my husband will be. I an going to be the old lady who ***** on new nurses arms during my diaper change(reference to previous FML). ...Can't wait...
bullrider92 19
I bet he can benchpress 265 5 times
LiveLaughFML 10
if grandma isnt going to help grandpa and his needs, grandpa's gonna do it himself! xD
StoryOfTheYear 15
1- Gotta strengthen that wack-off muscle like a champ. You lose power when you start getting old.
RouletteRed 6
Exactly! Lol
LostSaiyan 3
Carpel tunnel FTL
xoconnie 8
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
McDougal2013 0
I didn't think medical workers were allowed to share patient information...
enonymous 9
Anyone else have MJ's "beat it" while sharpening the pork sword or is it me?
ashhxoxo 14
If they don't say names, you're all good. Names are strictly forbidden. :)
Ruler3000 17
I think the real question is, is did she show him any new ones?
kelsey_katie 17
like a boss.
AnonymousTroll 2
It seems OP *sunglasses* asked for it.
everyday_normal_ 0
Well op you live in Canada
Jrefinne 7
That actually burns calories.
Doortje 30
Of course it does. Even sleeping burns calories.
doodlingdavid 0
It doesn't burn that many calories though.
tanneriscool 2
28 - Thanks for the extra information no one needed.. And I would like to know this general of jacking's styles of self pleasure.
muffins650 1
Then I have burn tons of calories
Beebow_fml 5
28- By the looks of your picture, you just need to do it more.
iAmScrubs 19
Wait for him to demonstrate the interpretive dance masturbation.
Fruit_Dealer 9
A mix of feet & hands can never be bad.
LiveLaughLaugh 9
You did ask.. :P
bullrider92 19
did you learn anything?maybe something new for your bf?
MyEpicDemise 7
Well what were those techniques? We all could learn a couple of new tricks from a veteran like him.
Bettinaaaa 0
Well, get a pen and paper these techniques could be useful.
Calyx_fml 22
50 ways to love your lever.
lliki 0
Do his forearms impress you?
hockey199813 5
He must have used Viagra
Enslaved 38
I doubt it. It's one of those /use it or lose it/ muscles. Men can have sex well above their prime if they keep a steady sexual appetite. Just think of Pablo Picasso (what a horn dog without Viagra)(:
ShroomsOnAcid 17
Hey, that's Ernest Borgnine's self confessed secret to a long, healthy life! Let the man be!
Doortje 30
Always the tone of surprise, eh Alan?
hailphire130 0
*imagines mermaid man masturbating*
AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml 12
Hey, that can be a good exercise for someone his age. And it's enjoyable too :D