Today, the 86 year old guy next door told me I needed three things in life to succeed: a cook book, a boyfriend, and a boob job. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my perfectly sane and healthy 90 year old grandmother had a heart to heart with me. She told me she'd pay for a boob job. When I asked why, she said, "Sweetie, you'll never attract someone with those tiny suckers." FML
Today, I was talking to my husband about a work colleague, whose boyfriend is always sending her flowers and fawning over her. I mentioned how I've never been treated like that. He glanced up from his video game and said, "Shit, Mel. Get a boob job then." FML
Today, I got out of the shower and my 3 year old sister comes into the bathroom and says "I want big boobies like yours when I grow up." And from the other room I hear my dad go "Sweetie, you've already got bigger boobs than your sister." FML
Today, I mentioned to my family that I was sad about the fact that I was thirty-five years-old, single, and had no children. My father piped up from the next room, "What man in his right would want your lopsided tits, fat thighs, and fucked-up nose in their gene pool?" FML
Today, my neighbor, who is an elderly woman that I barely know, decided to tell me about how she feels she's lost too much weight and now when she looks at herself naked she thinks her boobs hang and look like bull testicles. FML
Today, I found out that my extremely-flat chested cousin recently got a boob job. When my mom found out, she said "Oh that's great! They look so good!". Then she looks at me and tells me that I should get one. Everyone including my own mother thinks I should get a boob job. FML
Today, I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool a little girl ran up to me pointed and yelled, "Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up." I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML
Today, I bought a book by a #1 bestselling author, hoping it would distract me from having my manuscript rejected, as well as learn what made their book so successful. Now I realize I need to say stuff like, "I wish I had great boobs (hehe... boobs)" to get my works published. FML
Today, despite my objections, a 50-year-old guy at a bar tried to convince me that my "biological clock is ticking" and that it was time to have kids, "before it's too late". He then offered his help in this noble endeavor. FML
Today, the guy I have a crush on told me that "if only he could find a girl with my personality." I asked him what I was missing to be his girl, since I apparently have the personality he wants. He told me, “Sorry to hurt your feelings, but perhaps a liposuction and a nose job.” FML
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Top comments
Malika_fml 0
wise man
Luckster 0
He's old enough to where his sexist remarks make sense. 70 years younger and I woulda bitch slapped him with my metal-decorated bike gloves on.
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Comments (189)
Malika_fml 0
wise man
Duckasaurus 0
HELL YEAH, GET YOURSELF A GOOD GUY WHO KEEPS YOU IN THE KITCHEN. MAKE SOME SAMMICHES.
JohnnyAppleseed 0
I want mine with mustard.
White667 0
Get the boob job and a cook book and the boyfriend will come fairly easy. Yet another example of money buying happiness.
maipinkbear 0
lol @ #32
Zhejan 0
Make mine with mayo. Lots of white, creamy mayo.
violentturtle 0
Maybe it wasn't even directed towards her. Maybe he was just another old man wandering around giving advice on life to all the whippersnappers.
Veritas143 0
Thats what i was thinking...but as most self conscious girls they have to take everything personally..again self-conscious girls not all girls
FarSide 23
Dang good advice. Unless you are a fat chick.
Intellectualist 0
fat chicks need love too!
popoman 0
Always listen to those with experience.
andydawg8891 0
Well, if you listen to him chances are you can get hooked up with some old rich guy. He kicks the buckets and leaves you with all his stuff..... haven't I heard this somewhere before? Wise Man Indeed
StoryOfTheYear 15
lauralatch, they can get love from their mom, everyone else thinks they could do with a cut in cookie intake
snagglepaste 0
AMEN! Bitches get back in the kitchen!
laurabev 9
Actually that sounds like just what I need :P
n_epic_fail 14
a cookbook so you don't starve a boyfriend to keep you happy and a boob job to keep the boyfriend happy... the man knows what he's talking about.
crudeandrudeguy 29
Even women love boobs, the world benefits by adding in another set of great boobs
Starchild21 3
That was pretty disrespectful of him, but that's assuming you don't confide in him on a normal basis. If you do then he may have a point, after all he's going with the stereotypical aspect of what a guy wants.
fakkumairaifu 14
A guy wants a girl with a boyfriend?
sephirothyeti 0
Exactly. We want most that which we cannot have. Nothing is more desirable than the unobtainable.
FarSide 23
How nice. A ****** in the Navy.
moonlight_daze 8
Abso-*******-lutely, #87! ;-)
moonlight_daze 8
..Although the desire for what you can't have tends to be even stronger for the female gender
trapiadora 0
hahahaha i guess you have to take it with a grain of salt
YDImate 0
buy the cook book to impess a guy to be your boyfriend then get the boyfriend to get the bppb job
Luckster 0
He's old enough to where his sexist remarks make sense. 70 years younger and I woulda bitch slapped him with my metal-decorated bike gloves on.
Luckster 0
Eh...my math sucks....60 years younger, excuse me.
Starchild21 3
How the **** could you mess that up?
Luckster 0
I'm tired, so my brain isn't working too well today.
Malika_fml 0
haha I'd smack a 16 year old for that comment as well :P
Starchild21 3
She's not 16, according to her comment she's 26, but her profile says 20??
pdavila 0
She's saying the old man would need to be 60 years younger for her to slap him. This means he'd be 26 and she'd be 20. Makes sense.
Luckster 0
There you go! You can be my brain for the day cause mine ain't working. XD
brendalovee_ 0
what the hell, that guy is such a douche. lol that was beyond disrespectful in so many ways.
jackkerouc9 0
OP you must live on the seacoast. This sounds like the crackerjack old folks that infest the area.
Daaniellee1234 8
Interesting.
Sun_Kissed18 25
Well isn't he an ass... I would have punched him and yelled "COOK THIS!" lol :) Oh and don't worry about the boob comment, lot's of guys like small boobs :) you don't need surgery just to please some guys!
ChronicFAIL 0
Pffft that's what I'm sayin !! What good are boobs anyway? All you need is a mouthful... ;D
Ughsucks 0
#56 is all kinds of fail.
andydawg8891 0
If by fail you mean win.
golfpro908 0
I heart small boobs over big ins
enders98 0
thats all i want in a girl
DarknessAngel292 0
You want a girl that already has a boyfriend? Nice.
RataBlanca 0
Meh, the cook book isn't that necessary...