Today, the 86 year old guy next door told me I needed three things in life to succeed: a cook book, a boyfriend, and a boob job. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my perfectly sane and healthy 90 year old grandmother had a heart to heart with me. She told me she'd pay for a boob job. When I asked why, she said, "Sweetie, you'll never attract someone with those tiny suckers." FML
Today, I was talking to my husband about a work colleague, whose boyfriend is always sending her flowers and fawning over her. I mentioned how I've never been treated like that. He glanced up from his video game and said, "Shit, Mel. Get a boob job then." FML
Today, I got out of the shower and my 3 year old sister comes into the bathroom and says "I want big boobies like yours when I grow up." And from the other room I hear my dad go "Sweetie, you've already got bigger boobs than your sister." FML
Today, I mentioned to my family that I was sad about the fact that I was thirty-five years-old, single, and had no children. My father piped up from the next room, "What man in his right would want your lopsided tits, fat thighs, and fucked-up nose in their gene pool?" FML
Today, my neighbor, who is an elderly woman that I barely know, decided to tell me about how she feels she's lost too much weight and now when she looks at herself naked she thinks her boobs hang and look like bull testicles. FML
Today, I found out that my extremely-flat chested cousin recently got a boob job. When my mom found out, she said "Oh that's great! They look so good!". Then she looks at me and tells me that I should get one. Everyone including my own mother thinks I should get a boob job. FML
Today, I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool a little girl ran up to me pointed and yelled, "Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up." I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML
Today, I bought a book by a #1 bestselling author, hoping it would distract me from having my manuscript rejected, as well as learn what made their book so successful. Now I realize I need to say stuff like, "I wish I had great boobs (hehe... boobs)" to get my works published. FML
Today, despite my objections, a 50-year-old guy at a bar tried to convince me that my "biological clock is ticking" and that it was time to have kids, "before it's too late". He then offered his help in this noble endeavor. FML
Today, the guy I have a crush on told me that "if only he could find a girl with my personality." I asked him what I was missing to be his girl, since I apparently have the personality he wants. He told me, “Sorry to hurt your feelings, but perhaps a liposuction and a nose job.” FML
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Top comments
Malika_fml 0
wise man
Luckster 0
He's old enough to where his sexist remarks make sense. 70 years younger and I woulda bitch slapped him with my metal-decorated bike gloves on.
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Comments (189)
noshitsherlock 0
So your neighbor is a sexist, pervy creep. Your life is not ****** though.
brendalovee_ 0
he's the one that should get a boob job lol
dspadres 0
The cookbook and the boyfriend were just him being polite. He saved the truth for last.
melissa_10 7
it actually sounds like pretty good advice to me... lol
Clitastrophe 0
Then make him a ******' sammich!
Starchild21 3
Yeah you would love to be told that wouldn't you?
lets_be_ian 5
perhaps one of the knuckle variety?
Ohnothingreally 0
Um, I don't know any woman who makes their perverted 86 year old neighbor sandwiches...
DrAwesome 6
Well, I don't know about the boob job and the cookbook, assuming you didn't already know how to cook and apparently have not-so-big breasts, but the boyfriend part, uhh... I bet that old man get's PRET-ty lonely sometimes, if you catch mah drift. ;)
plexico 4
The crazy old coot has the order mixed up! If you have a boyfriend, you don't need the boob job. If you don't have a boyfriend, then get the boob job. The cookbook is a must have. If you have a boob job and a boyfriend, you will lose him to a girl with a boob job and a cookbook. Or just tell the old fart you're a lesbian, give his **** a few strokes and he'll drop dead right there.
GR3453m0nk3y 4
wow a comment by plexico was moderated
Ohnothingreally 0
Well, buried. But I never thought that would happen. I mean, plexico is like the FML God! And Intoxicunt is his Goddess.
Intoxicunt 6
It was unmoderated. And thank you! I want to be Hera. She's an awesome evil bitch. :D
Inverted 0
Exactly, and at least the old guy was honest, right?
null_fml 11
plexico HAS amassed a few humourless enemies in his time. But I'm pretty sure his allies can provide a few more thumbs up (and faster) than the collective thumbs down of his enemies. :)
Intoxicunt 6
Oh, btw, I meant "unburied" not "unmoderated". FML.
redbluegreen 41
Hahahaha. Ohh... The FML rulers have returned! I miss our long talks. Even if it's only been a few days.
GR3453m0nk3y 4
sorry it was Buried not moderated i was confragled
DeathShad0 1
He is made of win and lulz.
ScaryyMary 14
Sounds like sage advice to me.
myballs 0
Well - that is true to an extent. Knowing how to cook is a marvelous skill. Especially if you live by yourself. . . fast food is detrimental to the whole 'successful life' thing.