Today, the 86 year old guy next door told me I needed three things in life to succeed: a cook book, a boyfriend, and a boob job. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my perfectly sane and healthy 90 year old grandmother had a heart to heart with me. She told me she'd pay for a boob job. When I asked why, she said, "Sweetie, you'll never attract someone with those tiny suckers." FML
Today, I was talking to my husband about a work colleague, whose boyfriend is always sending her flowers and fawning over her. I mentioned how I've never been treated like that. He glanced up from his video game and said, "Shit, Mel. Get a boob job then." FML
Today, I got out of the shower and my 3 year old sister comes into the bathroom and says "I want big boobies like yours when I grow up." And from the other room I hear my dad go "Sweetie, you've already got bigger boobs than your sister." FML
Today, I mentioned to my family that I was sad about the fact that I was thirty-five years-old, single, and had no children. My father piped up from the next room, "What man in his right would want your lopsided tits, fat thighs, and fucked-up nose in their gene pool?" FML
Today, my neighbor, who is an elderly woman that I barely know, decided to tell me about how she feels she's lost too much weight and now when she looks at herself naked she thinks her boobs hang and look like bull testicles. FML
Today, I found out that my extremely-flat chested cousin recently got a boob job. When my mom found out, she said "Oh that's great! They look so good!". Then she looks at me and tells me that I should get one. Everyone including my own mother thinks I should get a boob job. FML
Today, I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool a little girl ran up to me pointed and yelled, "Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up." I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML
Today, I bought a book by a #1 bestselling author, hoping it would distract me from having my manuscript rejected, as well as learn what made their book so successful. Now I realize I need to say stuff like, "I wish I had great boobs (hehe... boobs)" to get my works published. FML
Today, despite my objections, a 50-year-old guy at a bar tried to convince me that my "biological clock is ticking" and that it was time to have kids, "before it's too late". He then offered his help in this noble endeavor. FML
Today, the guy I have a crush on told me that "if only he could find a girl with my personality." I asked him what I was missing to be his girl, since I apparently have the personality he wants. He told me, “Sorry to hurt your feelings, but perhaps a liposuction and a nose job.” FML
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Top comments
Malika_fml 0
wise man
Luckster 0
He's old enough to where his sexist remarks make sense. 70 years younger and I woulda bitch slapped him with my metal-decorated bike gloves on.
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Comments (189)
DameGreyWulf 1
You definitely need a cook book. This is not a sexist statement, it is FACT. You want to eat don't you? THEN GET SOME DAMN COOK BOOKS. Or you can eat ramen and canned soup all your life... If nothing else, get a unique cook book and dazzle company with how totally awesome you are with the Czech cookies or something.
DameGreyWulf 1
It's hot when a guy can cook, too. You're right, it shows independence, and that's rad.
RubixMonkey 0
Bet he caused the Great Depression. Or at least in most women who know him. For all you know this is wisdom from the old country.
xkat356 0
Thank you for the novel. |: Nicely put, #97.
waterynuggets 0
Pimpin88 baby! Trollin' down the street, smokin...
mrose57 0
Rudeness has no age limit.
flinkpamingo 0
You know, some people pay a LOT of money for that advice! See? There ya go!
blondeychck7 0
do guys go for pure girls?
amc4204 0
For the record my boobs are a C cup!
neverinmyfavor 0
That's really sexist. :(
Gefangene 0
I'm not even a lesbian, but for you baby, I would be. Can we make little sperm-donor babies and live happily ever-after? :)