Today, the 86 year old guy next door told me I needed three things in life to succeed: a cook book, a boyfriend, and a boob job. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my perfectly sane and healthy 90 year old grandmother had a heart to heart with me. She told me she'd pay for a boob job. When I asked why, she said, "Sweetie, you'll never attract someone with those tiny suckers." FML
Today, I was talking to my husband about a work colleague, whose boyfriend is always sending her flowers and fawning over her. I mentioned how I've never been treated like that. He glanced up from his video game and said, "Shit, Mel. Get a boob job then." FML
Today, I got out of the shower and my 3 year old sister comes into the bathroom and says "I want big boobies like yours when I grow up." And from the other room I hear my dad go "Sweetie, you've already got bigger boobs than your sister." FML
Today, I mentioned to my family that I was sad about the fact that I was thirty-five years-old, single, and had no children. My father piped up from the next room, "What man in his right would want your lopsided tits, fat thighs, and fucked-up nose in their gene pool?" FML
Today, my neighbor, who is an elderly woman that I barely know, decided to tell me about how she feels she's lost too much weight and now when she looks at herself naked she thinks her boobs hang and look like bull testicles. FML
Today, I found out that my extremely-flat chested cousin recently got a boob job. When my mom found out, she said "Oh that's great! They look so good!". Then she looks at me and tells me that I should get one. Everyone including my own mother thinks I should get a boob job. FML
Today, I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool a little girl ran up to me pointed and yelled, "Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up." I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML
Today, I bought a book by a #1 bestselling author, hoping it would distract me from having my manuscript rejected, as well as learn what made their book so successful. Now I realize I need to say stuff like, "I wish I had great boobs (hehe... boobs)" to get my works published. FML
Today, despite my objections, a 50-year-old guy at a bar tried to convince me that my "biological clock is ticking" and that it was time to have kids, "before it's too late". He then offered his help in this noble endeavor. FML
Today, the guy I have a crush on told me that "if only he could find a girl with my personality." I asked him what I was missing to be his girl, since I apparently have the personality he wants. He told me, “Sorry to hurt your feelings, but perhaps a liposuction and a nose job.” FML
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Top comments
Malika_fml 0
wise man
Luckster 0
He's old enough to where his sexist remarks make sense. 70 years younger and I woulda bitch slapped him with my metal-decorated bike gloves on.
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Comments (189)
skatergirl21 2
Dam u got burn
Six_and_the_Moon 3
Meh. He's 86, he'll be dead soon.
CFR 0
Ahh how raunchy the pearls of wisdom have gotten... But you need a cook book for sure. Guys might want sex all the time, but food is the next best, if not the best, thing to give them =P
ChronicFAIL 0
Marry me?
Dcvictorious 0
He speaks sense.
scateice 0
Tell him he needs 10 things to succeed in life 1-common sense 2-a penis 3-purple socks 4-hair 5-old shoe 6-a lamp 7-pants 8-a brain 9-balls 10-another penis He should succeed now! :D
haweb 0
Well what're you doing on here? Boob jobs don't just pay for themselves.
Vaetrus 0
Amen.
ChronicFAIL 0
There should be a character limit on replies too. Just looking at this makes my face hurt.
blland 0
HE'S WRONG! a ******* will do actually.
velcroshoes 0
the essentials for a woman, but he forgot a job
ChronicFAIL 0
Marry me?