Today, my wife came home drunk, telling me all about this amazing man she met at the club with her friends, and how she wanted to have sex with him but couldn't because she was on her period. What a present. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I tried to get my wife to have sex with me, she told me she couldn't because she had her period. She's two months pregnant. FML
Today, my husband came home drunk off his ass at 2am. He started crying on my shoulder because he couldn't go home with some beautiful woman who hit on him, because sadly for him, he's married to me. FML
Today, I went home with a guy I met at the bar. I warned him that I was on my period, but he said it was fine. Not only was the sex awful, I woke up to find that he'd smeared period blood on my face in the dark. FML
Today, I received a text message from my wife, who had gone out for the evening with some girlfriends, saying, "I have to take a friend home, she's drunk! I'll be staying at his place. Call you in the morning." Umm… His? FML
Today, my wife got so drunk she kissed another guy when the ball dropped. FML
Today, I came home from a night out with the lads. My girlfriend refused to make love to me, saying my sperm were drunk and would raise hell in her uterus. FML
Today, I rushed home because my wife called to let me know she was feeling horny for the first time after getting over a bad flu. I walked in the door and surprise surprise, her sister had called round, wanting sympathy after her latest fuckbuddy dumped her. Romantic mood ruined. FML
Today, I got drunk at a party at our house. At the end, my husband passed out, so his best friend and I carried him to bed. His best friend is stupidly hot and I get horny when I'm drunk, so on a whim I made a pass at him. He shut me down and later told my husband. FML
Today, after weeks of every excuse not to, my wife wanted sex. It was amazing, and she had at least 3 orgasms. Instead of cuddling afterwards, she got up like someone kicked her and started bitching about all the things she could have been doing, as she got dressed and stormed out. FML
Today, my wife of twelve years got drunk and told me the best sex she’s ever had was with her first ex after they broke up. FML
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Top comments
seanseansean321 0
time to ditch her and find you a new lady :/
Laurendorcus 0
You should get her saying that on tape and play it back to the judge during your divorce hearing. :-)
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Comments (105)
Haislipa 0
lol nice
PsychoMerk 0
******* ewwww!!!!!!!! >_<
PsychoMerk 0
nvm... I thought it said your mom went out O_O but yeah... falcon punch the ***** ;0
nickperry21 4
drop that bitch
thecbake4 0
Sounds like you have a great wife...
Neotoxx 5
yeah I say drop that bitch !!
MrVictor_fml 0
amen sir.
puedominican 0
i wonder how/where you meet this very well respected lady at....
aDropOfSunshine 2
I just don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
blankettt 0
@ #28: It's seven days, and you stole that quote :)
aDropOfSunshine 2
yeah well, it was an old South Park I haven't seen in a while :)
DeTard 0
No, she had it right. The quote is five days.
aDropOfSunshine 2
My guess is you probably already know you're right, but I got it from SP. :)
rawr_ily96 24
5 days? Wow, I must be lucky. 3 for me.
justmeagirl 0
um, divorce.