Today, I made heart-shaped cookies for my girlfriend. My mom's reaction? "They look like dicks." FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I made my mom cookies for Mother's Day. My brother took all the cookies to work as a snack, because I didn't specifically tell him that the homemade "MOM" hearts weren't meant for him. FML
Today, while at the office, a surprise Valentine's gift arrived for me, the first I've ever received. It was a box of heart-shaped cookies. From my mother. I'm 39. FML
Today, my boyfriend, who is a great cook, decided to try his hand at baking. The cookies he made looked weird but tasted good. I jokingly said, "They taste great, but they look awful!" He responded by saying, "I could say the same thing about you." FML
Today, as I watched my boyfriend bake cookies, I said he was "domesticated." He looked at me like I'd just pissed on his mother's grave and has been cold and distant all evening. What the fuck? It's a compliment, you dick. FML
Today, I went to make cookies, the box said mix by hand so I literally used my hands. Not a fork or anything. My step-mom walked in and laughed at me. FML
Today, my mom took me to dinner. She told me about an argument that she and her boyfriend had, and she showed me the texts. While reading, I learned that she smells his dick before sucking it. FML
Today, it was my boyfriend's parents' anniversary so I thought I'd do something to impress them. I made them chocolate-covered strawberries. But for some reason they gave me really dirty looks when they saw it. Turns out his mother is allergic to strawberries and his father is allergic to chocolate. FML
Today, I surprised my boyfriend by baking him some cookies for the first time. He took a bite and said, "Wow, these taste exactly like the ones my mom used to make!" I couldn't bring myself to admit that I'd used a store-bought mix, because I can’t bake to save my life. FML
Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML
Today, I baked my boyfriend his favorite cookies for his birthday. Well, I tried. I followed the recipe, but they somehow turned out diamond hard. When he tried to bite into one, he chipped a tooth. Instead of being mad, he laughed and said, “At least you tried.” Now I’m stuck with inedible cookies and a dentist's bill. FML
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Top comments
Laurendorcus 0
Okay, so you are not a professional cookie shaper, but its the thought that counts and thats really sweet of you. maybe it'll help remind your gf that although hearts are great, you're hoping she'll concentrate on your d*ck tonight. :-)
null_fml 11
Tell your girlfriend "I made them shaped like something you'd recognize," with a noticeable wink, and see which shape she thinks it is!
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Comments (149)
UziTopete 0
aww yeah furst ;)
sam411411 0
well your girlfriend would be happy to see one bigger than yours
MaRs3 0
Haha, my mom would probably call me gay for baking heart shaped cookies that look like dicks. :)
icall_BS 0
Dick shaped cookies
null_fml 11
#11: My mom would probably call me gay for... baking.
majones 0
^this
ISLIM_SHADYI 0
#11 and #8 rofl
whataloadofbull 0
Is your mom a milf? Like Stifler's mom?
JoshTheMaggot 8
WTF what kind of dicks has you're mom been munching on. our brains in our dick not our heart ure mom needs to get her facts straight.
shadow33456 1
how dose a heart shaped cookie look like a dick well depends if a special kid is making them
xJaypex 0
My mom would call me gay for being on the kitchen
NIRVANAfan123 0
Penis Cookies!!!!
Motocross363 0
HA HA NICE
ImRawrtastic 0
that thought is what counts :)
ouchthatsux 0
spray em all over with whipped cream
sykes831 0
LOLOLOL AHWWWWWWW
JackStone96 4
@op don't worry my mom would say the same thing!
brianred5 0
she'd ask where you got the dick shaped cookie cutter
jollykilla704 0
coolest mom ever!
Frank155 5
ROFL
xlostwithoutu 0
Why do ppl on fml say "this"
ImaginaryFoe 1
Drizzling the points with cream was probably not a good idea.
buckeye91011 0
to his mom, everything looks like dicks
bceltics2199 0
hahahahahaaaa I love yur mother
Gourmet_Taco 0
Ask her what tastes better.
Spoozie 0
dicks.HAHA I would of said "umm duhh, I have a heart fer dicks!" hahaha. then see her reaction(;
Gondile 4
Loool, you were thinking where those cookies were gonna get you, weren't ya?
6969awesome 0
first!!!!
XxBlackamusPrime 5
Fail
thor89 0
you should work in a erotic bakery
UziTopete 0
that's what I was thinking
heeheehoo 0
Like Marge Simpson!
BenLarge1 0
dammit, I was going to say that
Zephyric 0
You have a very nice mother.
BigLostBear 0
exactly what I was thinking, my mom would just call me gay :(
KishiSenmatsu 0
that's is an amazing mother o.o
leero 0
This is the truest FML I've read in a while.
Crncj 0
did you give her the cookies anyway? bet she loved them
Laurendorcus 0
Okay, so you are not a professional cookie shaper, but its the thought that counts and thats really sweet of you. maybe it'll help remind your gf that although hearts are great, you're hoping she'll concentrate on your d*ck tonight. :-)
null_fml 11
Tell your girlfriend "I made them shaped like something you'd recognize," with a noticeable wink, and see which shape she thinks it is!
armadilloz 0
hahaha. tell her u wana stick one in her vage
allisha 7
Cookie Cutter FTW :D
Eddie_Paints 0
Where's your Mom's mind at?
lonewolfxxx 0
lol nice. well maybe your girlfriend will get some sort of hint if you're lucky. besides, a cookie's a cookie, it's still good to eat. in my pants.