Today, my parents sent me to the hospital because they thought I had diabetes. One of the symptoms is that you a pee a lot. The only reason I go to the bathroom so often is so I can masturbate. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my parents wouldn't stop making fun of my shy bladder by camping out in front of the bathroom door while I’m trying to pee. As a result, I haven’t peed in 10 hours and my bladder is going to explode. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML
Today, I finally went to the doctor for a condition I've had all my life. Turns out it was easily cured with a simple pill. I peed in my pants everyday for 27 years for nothing. FML
Today, while in my room on the computer, I had a sudden urge to pee. I got up to use the loo and started hearing some disturbing noises from inside. Apparently I was so quiet my parents thought I was gone and decided to have sex in the shower. It's been an hour and my bladder is about to burst. FML
Today, while playing cards, with my dad, mom and sister, I excused myself to go to the bathroom several times just to secretly chat with my crush. I laughed so hard at a joke that I wet my pants. My family thinks I need to see a doctor because I was going to the bathroom so often between card games. FML
Today, I had to explain to my doctor and parents that I dislocated my shoulder while masturbating. FML
Today, after running a couple of miles, I went upstairs into my air-conditioned room to cool off. Apparently, my mom walked past my room and heard me breathing heavily. Later, she had my dad give me a talk about masturbation. FML
Today, working as a nurse, I asked a 61-year-old patient if he did any physical activity. His reply was, "Well, I do masturbate a lot". He then went on to describe the various techniques he uses. FML
Today, my mother made me see the doctor to see if I had irritable bowel syndrome, on the account of how often I go to the restroom. I then had to admit I only go in there to get away from my family. My doctor thought it was hilarious. My mom didn't. FML
Today, my dog, who has been specially trained to go for help when I'm having a seizure, went to alert my parents downstairs that I was having an emergency. The "emergency" was me masturbating. FML
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Top comments
sarah5745 41
Couldn't you have just confessed instead of wasting everybody's time?
cameron6731 13
On the toilet? Get a new place to jack off.
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Comments (131)
JpTheGreat23 19
Whenever you feel like doing it get just get something to distract you from it.
ThePez828 18
I would assume the mom would catch on if the dad could. Moms do have knowledge of these things...
bhopejohnston 16
Jacking off one time before bed isn't enough for you?
happypenguins 24
Ew
ZaHo_fml 12
Get a girlfriend
be82tw 17
OP, no judgments on your masturbatory activity: I don't know your particular behavior enough to claim it healthy or unhealthy, nor do I want to know. But this is a massive YDI: medical tests are expensive, and your family is sincerely concerned for your health. Unless your family is made up of lunatics who would disown you over this, which i sincerely hope is not the case, a little embarrassment is a small price to pay to spare your family the stress and expense that they are experiencing for you.
katertott 44
It only takes that long? I suppose that's better than the alternative...
fabcade 14
All those bathroom trips must be draining. you did this to yourself.
vesquivel62 12
There's something called your room. At night. try that sometime.
ApricotQueen 17
they sent you to the hospital for diabetes? I might have diabetes (bad diet induced by my parents, and a lot of people in my family have it) and when my mom realized that I was showing symptoms, she just made me an appointment with my doctor. Your parents over-reacted... and you need to get a date