Today, my new room-mate moved in. She spent over an hour obsessively searching the place for god knows what kind of secret recording devices, and now aggressively demands that I taste-test all of her pre-prepared meals to make sure they're not poisoned. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I moved in with my new roommate. She's a vegetarian, and won't let me put my meat in the fridge because it will "contaminate her food". FML
Today, I came back to my apartment to see that my roommate had left out bread, deli meat, and cheese on the counter, so I made myself a sandwich. When she came back, she informed me that she found bugs in the fridge and took out all the food she thought would be contaminated. FML
Today, I found out that my new roommate likes to put candy on the floor, let ants crawl all over it, and eats it. Ants and all. FML
Today, surprisingly, my roommate made a nice meal. Within an hour, I started throwing up. When I confronted her, she confessed that she'd used long expired ingredients, including meat, because she didn't want the garbage men to think she's "the type that wastes food." FML
Today, I kindly asked my crazy roommate to move out. She answered by stuffing raw hamburger meat down all the drains in the apartment. FML
Today, my roommate is rampaging in the house at 1:00 a.m. because her stuff was moved out of the pantry for the new person, after being asked several times to move it herself. Apparently, she didn't see the text message heads-up, because she refuses to use her phone as a source of connection. FML
Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently crazy and thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her husband. She watches me and is super paranoid. I have a two year lease. FML
Today, to keep me from "getting fatter", my roommate raided the kitchen. She ate everything from cookies and ice cream to deli meat. The only thing left in the house are vegetables. FML
Today, as usual, I got home to find that my roommate had eaten all my groceries and left a mess behind for me to clean. To be fair, this time she did some cleaning - she "energy cleansed" my room with a sage wand, burning a huge hole in my mattress in the process. FML
Today, I moved into college and met my new roommate. Not fifteen minutes later, she had told me about the fungus on her feet, and what happens when she forgets to take her anti-psychotic medication, all while picking at her nose and eating the spoils. FML
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Top comments
littlemonster94 15
Your roommate has presented you the perfect opportunity to pull some master pranks. Use her paranoia to your advantage.
0RedPenguin0 8
Put iocaine in her drink after building up an immunity to it. Problem solved.
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Comments (102)
madisonnnnn13 11
Good luck. That's all I have to say.
slowlybreakingme 14
And this is why I do not have roommates.
FarFromSocial 9
i think she should probably consider living by herself if she's that paranoid
iilovecokee 6
Duuuudee, why are you complaining. You could have SO much fun with this. If you live near me can we swap places? I'll learn your mannerisms, mimic your speech, cut hair, I'll do anything to make her think you've been morphing into multiple individuals and got mixed up in the transformation. Ahhh I'm dying to do this!
Fsvb 32
I think that's a horrible thing to do. This person obviously has some sort of mental issue, schizophrenia, paranoia or what ever it may be, so that's just like saying 'you're fat' to someone with anorexia. You're making their view on things, which is not real, real. On another note, I like your profile picture :3
The_Honey_Badger 17
Poison part of the food. Eat unpoisoned part.
Evgeny2222 11
What are you complaining about? You have so many opportunities for trolling.
BobbieH 19
Did you have this roommate fill out an application? Did you do a background check including talking to previous roommates? I mean they are living with you, you may have wanted to do the due diligence to minimize the crazy. Maybe the men in white coats with nets will take the problem away! If not, I'd invest on a good lock for your bedroom door!
Ibeatmyself 3
Sounds like she's trying to get you to move out already
GRgoldfish 19
if your not in a legal bind or have money problems then tell her (calmly) that your not her survent and your not going to risk your life just because she's too paranoid to eat her own *beep* food, and if she has a problem with that then tell her tough luck. she can just move out all over again. best of luck op.
thewife5 19
She either is putting on a act to get a room to herself, or she does have something seriously wrong with her and you should keep a journal of her behavior and get her carted off to a mental hospital at your earliest connivence.