Today, my new room-mate moved in. She spent over an hour obsessively searching the place for god knows what kind of secret recording devices, and now aggressively demands that I taste-test all of her pre-prepared meals to make sure they're not poisoned. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I moved in with my new roommate. She's a vegetarian, and won't let me put my meat in the fridge because it will "contaminate her food". FML
Today, I came back to my apartment to see that my roommate had left out bread, deli meat, and cheese on the counter, so I made myself a sandwich. When she came back, she informed me that she found bugs in the fridge and took out all the food she thought would be contaminated. FML
Today, I found out that my new roommate likes to put candy on the floor, let ants crawl all over it, and eats it. Ants and all. FML
Today, surprisingly, my roommate made a nice meal. Within an hour, I started throwing up. When I confronted her, she confessed that she'd used long expired ingredients, including meat, because she didn't want the garbage men to think she's "the type that wastes food." FML
Today, I kindly asked my crazy roommate to move out. She answered by stuffing raw hamburger meat down all the drains in the apartment. FML
Today, my roommate is rampaging in the house at 1:00 a.m. because her stuff was moved out of the pantry for the new person, after being asked several times to move it herself. Apparently, she didn't see the text message heads-up, because she refuses to use her phone as a source of connection. FML
Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently crazy and thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her husband. She watches me and is super paranoid. I have a two year lease. FML
Today, to keep me from "getting fatter", my roommate raided the kitchen. She ate everything from cookies and ice cream to deli meat. The only thing left in the house are vegetables. FML
Today, as usual, I got home to find that my roommate had eaten all my groceries and left a mess behind for me to clean. To be fair, this time she did some cleaning - she "energy cleansed" my room with a sage wand, burning a huge hole in my mattress in the process. FML
Today, I moved into college and met my new roommate. Not fifteen minutes later, she had told me about the fungus on her feet, and what happens when she forgets to take her anti-psychotic medication, all while picking at her nose and eating the spoils. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
littlemonster94 15
Your roommate has presented you the perfect opportunity to pull some master pranks. Use her paranoia to your advantage.
0RedPenguin0 8
Put iocaine in her drink after building up an immunity to it. Problem solved.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (102)
grumpybr 13
You got yourself a perfect looney. Good luck with that.
perdix 31
Why are you the expendable one? Didn't you write it into the Roommate Agreement that the least senior resident has to lay down their life for the senior? Bazinga!
tararochelle 18
Paranoid much?? Hopefully your roommate is on the proper meds or has had help! If she is delusional, things could get scary for you!
perdix 31
#19, yes, she's much paranoid. OK, I don't really know how to deal with the "____ much?" construct.
chucknorris76 3
chuck poisons poison.
Happyhighs1 3
Better get a new roommate befor she decides your plotting to kill her and tries to beat you to it....... Or sleep with your door locked
HeartOfLead 24
Wait, why would OP want to keep her door locked if her roommate will try to kill herself before OP gets the chance?
drewflav 17
21 - It's "you're", not "your". 48 - I think you misread the comment. The implication isn't that the paranoid roommate is suicidal, rather murderous. "Kill or be killed".
HeartOfLead 24
Nope. I was just being literal about it.
Eivana 37
You only deserve it if you give in to her demands. But yeah... **** your life. Pull a prank on her!
ijade 4
Lol,this is a wacky year,darlin'
alwayswinning123 7
Sounds like your going to have a fun time
ElizaZee 9
I feel like she has a reason for this... Ever thought of the fact that she's secretly a spy and thinks that you're the enemy?
jeeepfan436 3
You can't reason with stupid