Today, my new room-mate moved in. She spent over an hour obsessively searching the place for god knows what kind of secret recording devices, and now aggressively demands that I taste-test all of her pre-prepared meals to make sure they're not poisoned. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I moved in with my new roommate. She's a vegetarian, and won't let me put my meat in the fridge because it will "contaminate her food". FML
Today, I came back to my apartment to see that my roommate had left out bread, deli meat, and cheese on the counter, so I made myself a sandwich. When she came back, she informed me that she found bugs in the fridge and took out all the food she thought would be contaminated. FML
Today, I found out that my new roommate likes to put candy on the floor, let ants crawl all over it, and eats it. Ants and all. FML
Today, surprisingly, my roommate made a nice meal. Within an hour, I started throwing up. When I confronted her, she confessed that she'd used long expired ingredients, including meat, because she didn't want the garbage men to think she's "the type that wastes food." FML
Today, I kindly asked my crazy roommate to move out. She answered by stuffing raw hamburger meat down all the drains in the apartment. FML
Today, my roommate is rampaging in the house at 1:00 a.m. because her stuff was moved out of the pantry for the new person, after being asked several times to move it herself. Apparently, she didn't see the text message heads-up, because she refuses to use her phone as a source of connection. FML
Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently crazy and thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her husband. She watches me and is super paranoid. I have a two year lease. FML
Today, to keep me from "getting fatter", my roommate raided the kitchen. She ate everything from cookies and ice cream to deli meat. The only thing left in the house are vegetables. FML
Today, as usual, I got home to find that my roommate had eaten all my groceries and left a mess behind for me to clean. To be fair, this time she did some cleaning - she "energy cleansed" my room with a sage wand, burning a huge hole in my mattress in the process. FML
Today, I moved into college and met my new roommate. Not fifteen minutes later, she had told me about the fungus on her feet, and what happens when she forgets to take her anti-psychotic medication, all while picking at her nose and eating the spoils. FML
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Top comments
littlemonster94 15
Your roommate has presented you the perfect opportunity to pull some master pranks. Use her paranoia to your advantage.
0RedPenguin0 8
Put iocaine in her drink after building up an immunity to it. Problem solved.
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Comments (102)
Likian5 26
Looks like we have a premadonna on our hands. Be extra careful around her, OP.
WPQ14 15
More likely paranoid schizophrenic, I think.
Nicholi124 10
What does op means?
interesting33 37
original poster - so basically the person whose fml it is.
miSsFlien 15
If I were you, I would kick her ass out of the apartment.
Metallica36176 16
I have acute paranoia....so I know what she feels. I always feel like someone is watching me through cameras and recording everything on my phone....but I've learned to deal with it MYSELF and not bring other people in it out of fear they may feel how I do...which I don't wish on anyone. But that bitch wouldn't try and make me do shit. She can taste her own food. If I can help myself (been with it since I was 10 and still have it) so can she.
saffy66 34
Ask her how does she know you're not slipping poison in AFTER you taste it? With luck she'll move out.
Gongi80 5
This is why I don't use Craig's List, lol!
chosha_fml 27
Refuse to taste her food. Every time, no matter how she demands it. Don't let this person's paranoia and bullying personality take over your life, OP.
lenluigi 6
try pretending you got poisoned and make her feel guilty
ajh557 22
I'd be more worried about why she's so paranoid then worrying about how much it annoys you
decidedlyvague 11
On the plus side, you get to try all of her food.