Today, my husband tried to haggle a blowjob out of me in exchange for taking his first shower in nearly two weeks. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I had to negotiate with my husband so he would bring me toilet paper while I was on the john. His terms? A blowjob. FML
Today, I realized that my new boyfriend only showers about once every ten days, and to get him to shower more often I have to bribe him with oral sex. FML
Today, having regularly given my husband blowjobs, I suggested, mid-session, that he could maybe reciprocate. He complained that I was wet, begrudgingly licked for about a minute and then gave up. FML
Today, at the end of another long workday, my husband announced that he was going to take a shower. Attempting to rekindle some much needed romance in our lives, I seductively asked him, "Want me to join you?" He replied, "Sure. But first I have to poop." FML
Today, my husband begged me to go down on him while he sat on the toilet, taking a crap. He tried to convince me that we'd both somehow experience mind-blowing orgasms. FML
Today, my boyfriend looked at me and suggestively told me to take a shower. He's leaving for two days so I humored him, thinking he wanted to do it in the shower. I waited for 20 minutes before he knocked on the door, telling me he needed to shower as well. He just wanted me to take a shower. FML
Today, after not showering with my boyfriend in 3 months, he called me in to the bathroom and asked me to shower with him. After getting excited and ripping my clothes off, I get in and he asks me to wash his hair. FML
Today, I was talking to my husband about how I wanted our marriage to improve and not just be sex all the time. In the middle of my sentence, he asked for a blow job. FML
Today, I just found my husband on Craigslist. He's working away from home, and he's looking to give a blowjob. FML
Today, I had to beg my boyfriend to get him to take a shower and brush his teeth. This is a basic weekly argument. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
ElementaryEdGuy 18
How about, "Take a shower or you'll never get that thing touched again?"
lakerfan8224 17
Don't go near that dirty body of his
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (87)
xgetxbentx 13
Ummm gross, his penis shouldn't be anywhere near you if his personal hygiene is that bad. Time to cut him off until he starts showering regularly.
AlexiAwesome 10
Maybe bribe him with a ******* for a shower
thehonestone10 5
Ok all jokes aside, there are two serious problems in the relationship: You, and him. Neither of you are willing to do what it takes to make the relationship work and make the other one happy. He's not wanting to shower so you aren't grossed out, and you aren't wanting to give him ******** or sexually satisfy him. Now nobody has any way of knowing whether the chicken or the egg came first- meaning, whether it was your prudeness that made him not bother showering (he may have thought "well f*ck it if im not getting laid from my wife of all people, then f*ck showering") ................. and on the other hand, you may have thought "if my husband is too lazy to even hop in the shower, then f*ck giving him a bj or any kind of sex cuz he stinks and that's dirty". Instead of playing the blame game, you both need to sit down and have a talk. It should go like this: You- "honey, you want sex and bj's right? You probably feel like we haven't done enough of that lately?" Him- "Yes, exactly" You- (always phrase it as good news, don't come across bitter or nagging.) Be like "Ok well I have good news, I still feel the same way about you obviously, I'm still turned on by you, the only reason I haven't wanted to do as much lately is cuz, well..... your natural body odor smells good, like your skin, but when you don't shower you stink- because everybody stinks when they don't shower. I'll make you a deal. If you start showering DAILY, we can start having sex DAILY or at least every couple days. Is that fair?" Chances are, he will happily agree and you both will be a step closer to that happiness you had back in the honeymoon phase :) trust me he'll agree I'm a guy
iwadasn 33
I don't think there's anything wrong with refusing to have sex with someone who hasn't showered in WEEKS.
Raum 19
OP is the problem because she "isn't willing to give ********"? Go to hell. For one thing, there's nothing unusual about not wanting to be intimate with someone who hasn't bathed in two weeks. Secondly, a lot of women don't like giving ********, but that's not the only way to meet sexual needs (not that a woman is obligated to give her husband sex). Where in the FML does it imply that OP isn't willing to engage in other forms of intimacy (when her husband is clean)?
86ed 4
So, did he get that...shower?
stanjohnson 11
Just curious, for no particular reason, did it work?
northernlass 7
"A ******** for a shower, honey? How about, if you don't shower I'll lock you out of the house and spray your nasty ass with a hose - AFTER I call the cops and tell them there's a dripping wet man on my front lawn." See - negotiations can go both ways.
tlvv 12
Shower first right?...
cmoney408 6
i hope you negotiated shower before BJ!!!!!
_maiiizzzz 2
Eeek!!
josiem 11
That's when you tell him that he won't get a BJ if he •doesn't• shower.