Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner, and have to leave in shame. FML
Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my cock over my jeans and said, "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she wants to have sex with my ass. I'm not sure she's taking "no" for an answer, seeing as how she's keeping a dildo on her nightstand and is clearly waiting for me to fall asleep. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked for a picture of my penis, so I sent her one. Then later on, she asked for one when I was hard, the first one I sent I was hard. FML
Today, after being apart for a few weeks, my girlfriend made love to me so hard I got bruises on my penis and it hurts to pee out of it. FML
Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML
Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, she tells me that the flab on my stomach does not turn her on, and stops in the middle of it. Therefore, until my diet is over, guess who doesn't get any. FML
Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML
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Top comments
GrooveTurtle 0
... -face palm-
zombicidal 11
flaccid sex? the ****?
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Comments (483)
contedefees 11
You both better spend a couple months playing with each other before any penetration. Both sound completely unprepared for sex. And as a woman whose first time hurt like all hell, I would highly advise spending weeks fingering her when you help her ****** because i helps loosen her up so it won't hurt as much.
AhmandahAnarchy 5
Has literally NO ONE thought that she said that because she DOESN'T want to have sex with him? I've used that line before, even when I wasn't a virgin. Don't want to hurt their feelings, so play dumb about the situation. TA-DA!
JROlivo 0
you, my friend, are one of the few guys who has it damn lucky with a girlfriend that has a great ass. welcome to the club. cue the thumbing down.
sulhaq 4
Physically impossible to take someone's virginity with a flaccid penis. Speaking from experience here.
Zita_fml 4
They should watch some sex education videos.she sure needs it
Whogivesadamn13 3
Thank goodness she's pretty enough to make up for being Pants-on-head retarded.
wellthatsukx 0
Does she even understand how sex works?
OgreBS 0
Put a paper bag over............ Yourself.... maybe that'll help you finally get some
DoubletheDuck 7
She needs to stop being a pussy and just take it..
bluesparrow127 7
If I told that to a guy I'd really just be saying "You can't take my virginity." Maybe she's not stupid, just doesn't want him!