Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner, and have to leave in shame. FML
Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my cock over my jeans and said, "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she wants to have sex with my ass. I'm not sure she's taking "no" for an answer, seeing as how she's keeping a dildo on her nightstand and is clearly waiting for me to fall asleep. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked for a picture of my penis, so I sent her one. Then later on, she asked for one when I was hard, the first one I sent I was hard. FML
Today, after being apart for a few weeks, my girlfriend made love to me so hard I got bruises on my penis and it hurts to pee out of it. FML
Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML
Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, she tells me that the flab on my stomach does not turn her on, and stops in the middle of it. Therefore, until my diet is over, guess who doesn't get any. FML
Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML
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Top comments
GrooveTurtle 0
... -face palm-
zombicidal 11
flaccid sex? the ****?
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Comments (483)
MigraineurOfLife 15
What? Oh Oka___ Wait... What? O_o
joncole 6
Either she doesn't understand how sex works or OR you don't get what she trying to tell you SHE DON'T WANNA SCREW YOU
Pinky1407 4
What the ****?
legresley85 1
Its going to hurt her anyway, whether your hard or not it's tissue ripping. she doesn't sound mature enough or smart enough to have sex. Don't forget condoms though.
AgaveLoco 5
Drink tequila until get unconscious and then have sex
fritterboy 0
What are you supposed to do? Thumb it in? Just lie and by the time she realises it'll be too late and she will be lovin it
Taurus_ChicKa 37
...Your girlfriend sounds like she's way too young and immature to even have a boyfriend let alone have sex. Her first time is inevitably going to hurt; some girls tear their hymen doing gymnastics and other things and I think it even hurts them (though I don't know for sure). Plus, last time I checked, it won't exactly work if you're not hard, and if you're fighting to get it in while it's soft, it'll get hard in no time. And if you get hard just looking at her covered butt, well, you better have a long talk with her. How old are you guys anyway? Thirteen? If that's the case, you're definitely too young to be having sex. She sounds like she's still in her early teens if she doesn't realize these basic facts, but regardless of her age, like I said, she sounds way too immature to be having sex.
travs 0
don't worry bro I get hard looking at my chicks ass to it's natural I mean if it's a nice ass what can't you think about doing to it and put a blindfold on and then when your in her yell surprise and get hard and get to work on that tight vag! do it!!!!!
likexaxbaus 1
Bullshit. Spit and shove mofo!
sluggums 3
OMG what a ****** idiot. make sure you dont get this dumb bitch preggo mate, we dont need more stupid people. sounds like a real catch though, good luck shooting pool with that piece of string dude.