Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner, and have to leave in shame. FML
Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my cock over my jeans and said, "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she wants to have sex with my ass. I'm not sure she's taking "no" for an answer, seeing as how she's keeping a dildo on her nightstand and is clearly waiting for me to fall asleep. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked for a picture of my penis, so I sent her one. Then later on, she asked for one when I was hard, the first one I sent I was hard. FML
Today, after being apart for a few weeks, my girlfriend made love to me so hard I got bruises on my penis and it hurts to pee out of it. FML
Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML
Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, she tells me that the flab on my stomach does not turn her on, and stops in the middle of it. Therefore, until my diet is over, guess who doesn't get any. FML
Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML
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Top comments
GrooveTurtle 0
... -face palm-
zombicidal 11
flaccid sex? the ****?
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Comments (483)
looloo95 1
Is your girlfriend mentally retarded?... someone needs to tell her how the whole sex thing works
leave_it_be_love 0
Ok so my boyfriend isn't the only one that does that?
phoenixlibra 3
You're both idiots.
abroms211 7
are you KIDDING me?? the fact that you keep getting hard should be the least of your worries! first of all, you can't have sex without a hard-on. If she isn't aware of that then someone needs to enlighten her. secondly, your girlfriend is in for a rude awakening because no matter what (unless your dick is a tic tac) the first time will hurt. obviously I 100% think that you should only do it when you're both ready, and she seems to be willing. BUT if you guys aren't aware that you need a hard dick to have sex, then you have quite a bit of learning to do....it's called K-Y jelly and common knowledge, I think you need both. (P.S. even if she is really wet the first time, it will hurt without lube).
Heinousness 0
She'll never lose virginity *facepalm*
fudgeimout 2
I think you're girlfriend knew that and was using it to her advantage. Genius..
theoceansblue 0
That is one if the dumbest things I've ever heard come out of a virgin's mouth.
Geckosrock99 33
Tell her that it's not possible. Explain to her how sex is possible. Then when you two decide you're actually going to do it, make sure she's wet enough and go slow at first. It shouldn't hurt her too badly then.
imaghostbusteryo 1
You're dating a retard.
travisrparker 0
You Clearly have no idea how this works eh?