Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner, and have to leave in shame. FML
Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my cock over my jeans and said, "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she wants to have sex with my ass. I'm not sure she's taking "no" for an answer, seeing as how she's keeping a dildo on her nightstand and is clearly waiting for me to fall asleep. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked for a picture of my penis, so I sent her one. Then later on, she asked for one when I was hard, the first one I sent I was hard. FML
Today, after being apart for a few weeks, my girlfriend made love to me so hard I got bruises on my penis and it hurts to pee out of it. FML
Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML
Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, she tells me that the flab on my stomach does not turn her on, and stops in the middle of it. Therefore, until my diet is over, guess who doesn't get any. FML
Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML
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Top comments
GrooveTurtle 0
... -face palm-
zombicidal 11
flaccid sex? the ****?
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Comments (483)
KitKatMuffin22 2
Your girlfriend is either stupid.... Or cleverly told you it's never gonna happen
Shiloh0000 8
That's actually sweet though. She should feel lucky that you find her that attractive.
lulumck 6
How do you have sex with a flaccid penis? Are you going to poke it in there with your fingers or something?
slimashli 7
she sounds like she's 11.... or she just wants to keep her virginity and if that's the case honor her wishes bro
slimashli 7
thats impossible..
kpohil 13
sex ed class needed for both of you I think
syed121417 22
What? If your girlfriend doesn't realize that a penis must be hard for sex to work out, I think you guys are too young to be having sex. And if she wants to have sex at all, she must dealt with the pain. It's just the first time that really hurts and the pain goes away once you find the right position.
Zarazha 13
your gf is stupid. the first time hurts just suck it up like the rest of us.
mockingfails 15
In what way is that suppose to work?
HelenErutherford 18
that's not possible, you need to be hard in order to take virginity, otherwise it's not actually sex