Today, my girlfriend looked me straight in the eye and said, "I know about the sea turtles." I asked her what she was talking about and she said, "Next time, shut up or I'll show you pain." I have no idea what she's talking about. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while at the beach, as a joke, I told my girlfriend that I was a shark. She then poked my eyes and punched me in the nose. When I started to get mad, she just shrugged and asked, "What? You're the one that wanted to be a shark. Don't you watch Shark Week?" FML
Today, I told my girlfriend of two years that I love her. She replied, "Um, I don't mean to be rude, but can you just shut up?" FML
Today, I was talking to this girl who I thought was really nice. We were having an amazing conversation, and as we stared deeply in one another's eyes, she asked me, "Has anyone ever seen you take a shit?" She then began telling me the story of when someone watched her. FML
Today, while I was sleeping, apparently I rolled over towards my fiancé and told him "We gotta save the turtles!" and had a five seconds long fart. Now he won't stop making fun of me. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend out to a vegetarian-friendly restaurant. She ordered shrimp fettuccine, and I asked why. She slowly explained to me that vegetarians can eat shrimp, then muttered that she now knows who has the brains in our relationship. FML
Today, my girlfriend felt bad about a rude comment she made to me, and asked me to insult her in return. I told her she was getting fat. Wrong move; now she's not speaking to me. FML
Today, I yelled at my girlfriend for something trivial. Instead of yelling back, she was scarily calm and said, "Remember, I’ve got 50 lbs on you. Yell at me again and I’ll lay a pillow on your face and sit on it until you’re dead." I think she might mean it. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she was worried about being eaten by a whale while out kayaking on our holiday tour. I told her that she was way larger than whale food, and that it wouldn’t be interested in her. Now she is accusing me of trying to tell her "nicely" that she's fat. FML
Today, while I was cuddling with my girlfriend, she looked at me and leaned in. Thinking she was going to kiss me, I leaned too. Just as we were about to kiss, she screamed "COW KISSES" and somehow managed to lick my eyeball. FML
Today, I spotted my girlfriend in a store. She didn't notice me, so I went behind her, put my hands over her eyes, and said "Guess who." I got an elbow to the groin and mace to the face. While I was rolling on the ground in pain, she simply said, "Serves you right" and walked away. FML
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Top comments
Cavebone 5
I'd shut up next time.
MR_RODSQUAD 11
Tell her that you know about the crabs.
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Comments (107)
RZB 11
She knows...
Kyle225 3
Da fuq did i just read?
iseyixes 18
Hopefully around the same time they stop saying YOLO.
littlemsweirdo 12
When we stop creating stupid reality shows.
klovemachine 24
14 = funny :D that phrase shall live on forever! YOLO
annie_nk 23
49 - Please be joking.
mario2012 18
That won't happen until December 21st 2012.
sens3sfailing 25
It should have happened yesterday, YOLO is getting an education to do what you love in life while being successful, not, "I only have one life to completely waste!"
unknown_user5566 27
Alan- When you start modding every person who says it. Or better yet, when you or Sirin start messing with their comments (wee-woo)!
klovemachine 24
Ah yeah 14 :) YOLO (stop deleting my comments :P #48 is missing)
klovemachine 24
Da fuq :( stop deleting my comments :P YSOLO
klovemachine 24
14 = winner
FlyingPie 17
She can sea the truth. Water you going to do?
SApprentice 34
I think she was just krilling time, shorely she's not really such a beach. I doubt she was mean on porpoise, shell sea the error of her ways.
LaLince 40
It's a joke.
TADspace 30
Maybe you have an alternate personality that has a Sea Turtle Circus?
Tzofi 11
The first rule of the Turtle Club is: You do not talk about the Turtle Club. ...but she knows...
afropuffjake 9
Maybe you jokingly gave her false information about sea turtles and she found out by being embarrassed in front of her friends?
sirlime 1
Sea turtles mate. Isn't that how you you were planning to escape a horrible relationship? Tie together the biggest ones you can find an get off the deserted island?
Senseless_487 29
He's got to use his back hair to make a rope, though. That's gotta be rough.
annie_nk 23
"Human hair... from my back."
titibug823 11
That just made my day!
bigalspal 4
Captain Jack Sparrow? Is that you?
annie_nk 23
Give her chocolate. She sounds hormonal.
Enslaved 38
What do ****** and turtles have in common? When they're both on their backs, they're screwed. Maybe that's what she know? ***Gotta try and be PC :P
jollyton 10
o_O?! I think it's time for you to be sleeping with ONE EYE opened!