Today, my girlfriend looked me straight in the eye and said, "I know about the sea turtles." I asked her what she was talking about and she said, "Next time, shut up or I'll show you pain." I have no idea what she's talking about. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, while at the beach, as a joke, I told my girlfriend that I was a shark. She then poked my eyes and punched me in the nose. When I started to get mad, she just shrugged and asked, "What? You're the one that wanted to be a shark. Don't you watch Shark Week?" FML
Today, I told my girlfriend of two years that I love her. She replied, "Um, I don't mean to be rude, but can you just shut up?" FML
Today, I was talking to this girl who I thought was really nice. We were having an amazing conversation, and as we stared deeply in one another's eyes, she asked me, "Has anyone ever seen you take a shit?" She then began telling me the story of when someone watched her. FML
Today, while I was sleeping, apparently I rolled over towards my fiancé and told him "We gotta save the turtles!" and had a five seconds long fart. Now he won't stop making fun of me. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend out to a vegetarian-friendly restaurant. She ordered shrimp fettuccine, and I asked why. She slowly explained to me that vegetarians can eat shrimp, then muttered that she now knows who has the brains in our relationship. FML
Today, my girlfriend felt bad about a rude comment she made to me, and asked me to insult her in return. I told her she was getting fat. Wrong move; now she's not speaking to me. FML
Today, I yelled at my girlfriend for something trivial. Instead of yelling back, she was scarily calm and said, "Remember, I’ve got 50 lbs on you. Yell at me again and I’ll lay a pillow on your face and sit on it until you’re dead." I think she might mean it. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she was worried about being eaten by a whale while out kayaking on our holiday tour. I told her that she was way larger than whale food, and that it wouldn’t be interested in her. Now she is accusing me of trying to tell her "nicely" that she's fat. FML
Today, while I was cuddling with my girlfriend, she looked at me and leaned in. Thinking she was going to kiss me, I leaned too. Just as we were about to kiss, she screamed "COW KISSES" and somehow managed to lick my eyeball. FML
Today, I spotted my girlfriend in a store. She didn't notice me, so I went behind her, put my hands over her eyes, and said "Guess who." I got an elbow to the groin and mace to the face. While I was rolling on the ground in pain, she simply said, "Serves you right" and walked away. FML
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Top comments
Cavebone 5
I'd shut up next time.
MR_RODSQUAD 11
Tell her that you know about the crabs.
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Comments (107)
ocramavaf 15
sea turtles allegedly saved jack sparrow from a god forsaken island in the middle of the sea so if op wanted to cheat sea turtles seem like a surefire way to do it, and op's girlfriend is even smarter to figure it out!
charvisioku 22
She sounds like one of those annoying "OMG GUYZ I IZ RANDOM!!!?!?!?!? LULZ :D" people. Buy some ear plugs or a gag.
JJJJJakkkkeee 6
Did anyone else notice he said "My girlfriend looked me straight in the eye" , I think we have a cyclops on our hands. Or Plankton.
djgoreo 12
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
annihil8or 15
Stop trying to drown sea turtles!
Leftoverjello 6
Sounds hot. Stick with her.
DrebinO1 3
Bro i think shes on crack
BobbieH 19
Smile, nod in agreement, tell her "OK honey I understand. I will shut up next time" as you slowly back away and out the door. Sudden movements can be seen as a sign of aggression and might bring about an attack.
ElleYW 10
And you're dating this psycho....
RedPillSucks 33
I'm surprised no one has posted the urban dictionary reference.
ellytoad 13
I went and read the definition, and it makes no sense in the girlfriend's context. I say she spouted a nonsensical statement out of nowhere, and is so embarrassed at the thought of admitting it that she threatened to harm him if he asks her for an explanation.